Page 12 of Sean
He swallowed hard.
Maybe Benjamin and Kinsley weren’t the only couple he was jealous of.The thought turned his stomach.What kind of man was jealous of his parents’ marriage?He pushed the rest of his pie away.Even the desire to spare his mother’s feelings couldn’t force another bite past his constricted throat.
“Alex, you outdid yourself.Thank you for an amazing meal.”Dad directed his attention toward Sean.“Are you finished?”
“I couldn’t eat another bite if someone had a gun to my head.”
“Good.I have something I want to talk to you about, but I didn’t want to interrupt the pleasure of our meal with business.”
“OK...”Sean couldn’t help a spike of worry.It’d been a year of bad news.He couldn’t handle any more.
“I know it’s your first day home, and it might be a few days before you’re ready to consider getting back to work, but I have an opportunity for you to think and pray about.”
Sean didn’t know where Dad was going with this, but he had a sinking feeling he wasn’t going to like it.
“I have a pastor friend in Oklahoma City, Paul McKey.We had lunch last week and he mentioned that they’re looking for a new youth pastor.Of course, I thought about you.”
Sean closed his eyes and bowed his head.He’d known that the subject of his ministry would come up, but he hadn’t expected it on his first full day home.He certainly hadn’t planned to have the discussion in front of his whole family.“Dad, I—”
“Now don’t be upset.I know you’re a grown man, perfectly capable of handling your own affairs.But this seemed like a God-orchestrated conversation, and I couldn’t let it pass by without planting a seed.I told him about your successful ministry in Ohio and that you were on your way home.He was very enthusiastic about meeting with you.He even said he’d hold off on advertising the opening until you two could get together.”
This time Sean didn’t have to search for a word to describe what he was feeling.This time it was anger, pure and simple.
Anger at feeling pushed into a corner.
Anger at the inability to broach this delicate subject in his own way.
Anger that there was no hope of retrieving what he’d lost, both personally and professionally.
The heat of it blossomed in his chest and spread to his extremities.“No.”The single syllable was almost harsh enough to rattle the plates remaining on the table.
“Whoa, bro,” Benjamin muttered from beside him.
Sean didn’t even spare his brother a look.His whole attention was focused on his father as he fought for calm.When he finally spoke, his words were less harsh but just as decisive.“You need to call your friend and tell him thanks, but no thanks.I’m not interested.”
His dad’s expression shifted from excited to puzzled.“How can you say that before you even talk to him?”
“How?”Sean’s chuckled question lacked any humor.He focused on the wall behind his father’s head.“Let me tell you how.”He took a deep breath.What he was about to say was going to sink their pleasant Sunday dinner like the Titanic.“Except for this morning, I haven’t been inside a church in more than six months.”
Dad sat back, stunned.“Son, I don’t...What about your hopes and dreams?What about your calling?”
“Are you talking about the hopes and dreams that took me away from my wife when she needed me most?Or maybe the hopes and dreams that left me to raise my son alone.”He worked to get his temper under control, but when the anger seeped away, all that was left was unspeakable sadness.His eyes were so blurred by tears that he could hardly see his father’s face.“What do you think happened to them?”
He’d never known Hunter Conklin to be at a loss for words, but Dad just stared at him.
“My dreams died from terminal guilt and regret.”
“Sean.”Mom’s voice was kind.
He braced himself, knowing what was coming, and looked at her.
“Brittany’s death was a tragedy that none of us will ever get over, but you’re not responsible.Blaming yourself isn’t what God wants for you.”
“WhatGodwants?”The sympathy on his mother’s face irritated him almost as much as the disappointment written across his dad’s.“I don’t care about what God wants.I’m too busy living the reality created by my choices.”
He waited for someone to argue with him, but nobody spoke.The tension in the room was palpable.
When Jace cried, Sean rounded the table and lifted him from the highchair, thankful to have an excuse to leave.He patted the baby’s back.“It’s all right, buddy.I’ve got you.”He faced his family.“Right now, my reality needs a bath and a nap, so if you’ll excuse us.”He walked out, leaving nothing but silence in his wake.
