Page 55 of Sean
“You must have been so excited.”
“Not nearly as excited as Brittany.She jumped around the room like we’d just won the lottery.All she could talk about was how good this was going to be for my ministry.How God was opening doors for us that we never imagined.All I could think about was the lousy timing.I wasn’t leaving Brittany for four months with the baby on the way.
“I sat Brittany down and told her all the reasons I couldn’t go.She was having none of it.She was healthy, the pregnancy was healthy, and the baby was fine.She pointed to the part of the note that saidexperimental.If it wasn’t as successful as Matthew wanted, I might not get another chance.As far as she was concerned, that was worth four months of our lives.”Sean lifted his eyes to the ceiling, shook his head, and shrugged.“I never learned to out-talk that psychology degree.I was packed and on a plane almost before I knew what was happening.”
“She wanted the best for you.”
“She did.”I only wish she’d wanted the best for herself.The thought was maudlin, and he didn’t repeat it aloud.“I learned more in those four months about boots-on-the-ground ministry than I had in two years of college and all my time in youth ministry.There were nights I went to bed thinking my head might explode, but every night I thanked God for the opportunity and Brittany for pushing me into it.
“Missing Brittany almost killed me, but we had daily FaceTime conversations.I shared what I’d learned and she talked about the baby and how excited she was.Together, we counted the days until I could go home.”He closed his eyes, not wanting to acknowledge what he’d known.But in for a penny...“She looked a little drawn and tired some days, but I figured that was normal.When I asked how she was doing, she said she was fine.”
He paused and closed his eyes.It wasn’t a raspy throat he was fighting, it wasn’t words from his Heavenly Father he was ignoring.It was a fight to keep the tears from spilling onto his cheeks.The betrayal, the lies still had the power to rip out his heart.The weight of them had him slumping back onto his barstool.“Of course I believed her.Why wouldn’t I have?”
Monica threaded her fingers through his.“I wanted to know your story but you don’t have to tell me.I can see how much it’s hurting you.”
Sean exhaled through pursed lips.“I need to finish it.”He drained the remainder of the water in the bottle.“When I got home in October, I found out that Brittany had been less than honest with me.She wasn’t OK.She’d been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer.something that had probably been growing since before she got pregnant.If she hadn’t been pregnant, it could have been treated.But she chose to forgo treatment to protect the baby.”
“Oh, Sean.”
He couldn’t take the sympathy right now.“By the time I got home, it was too late to do anything about it.She died the night Jace was born.She never got to hold him.She was fading so quickly by the time the C-section was done that I don’t even know if she saw him.”His voice cracked.
Monica gripped his hand, but he couldn’t look at her.
“She was just gone, my hand in hers, our newborn son lying on her chest, our future...rewritten.”
He didn’t fight Monica when she pulled him into her arms.
“I’m so sorry.”
He leaned on her, finding comfort in her embrace.“If she’d just told me, I’d have come home.I’d have...I’d have...”
He didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
Would he have sacrificed Brittany for Jace, or Jace for Brittany?He’d lived with that question for more than a year now.
Brittany’s doctors had assured him that, even if she had risked the pregnancy with treatment, it would’ve only bought a year, maybe two.A few extra months with Brittany as she fought a battle she couldn’t win versus years with their thriving, healthy son.
It was an equation with no answer.But there was one question he had the answer to.
Sean sniffed and pulled away from Monica’s embrace.“That’s why I can’t stand to talk about Matthew Wright.If it hadn’t been for my stupid hero worship, I’d have been home when she needed me.”
Monica placed her hands on his arms and looked into his eyes.“I hear you.But Sean, Matthew didn’t know any more than you did.You can’t blame him for mentoring you.Have you talked to him at all?”
Sean swiped at the tears he’d failed to keep from falling.“He sent a few emails.I didn’t respond to any of them.At first, I just couldn’t talk to him.Then I had an infant to take care of, then I figured there wasn’t much point.Everything you say is true.He didn’t know and he was trying to help me.My head knows that, but my heart can’t let go of the blame.If I spoke to him, it’d probably make matters worse.”
Whimpers sounded from the playpen, and Sean looked at his watch.“I guess I have to get Jace home for the party.”
Monica stepped back but before she could retreat too far Sean captured her hands in his.“Thank you.”
“All I did was listen.”
“You did exactly what I needed.”She’d listened, but she’d also heard him, and the two were not the same.The weight he carried felt lighter than it had in twelve months, and he wasn’t ready to let that go.“Come to the party?”
“I’d like that very much.”
***
“...Happy birthday to you.”
