Page 11 of Longing for the Minotaur
And yet. Even if she doesn’t share my feelings, which I doubt she does after all she’s been through, maybe I can explain to her why I have to push her away, why I have to distance myself from her to keep everyone safe.
Val squints. “You’ve known my name for years. You’re just now noticing?”
“I’ve loved it ever since I first learned it.”
“Then why did you make fun of it?”
Here it goes.
“Because I had to throw them off the scent,” I say, bracing myself. “I didn’t want everyone else to know that I liked you.”
I’m still holding onto her hand, but she pulls it away.
“What? You mean, liked me as a friend, right?”
“No.” I stare right into her brown eyes as I speak the words into existence. “I have never seen you as my sister. I’ve never seen you as just a friend, either. Though there’s that, too.”
“Yeah, we covered this last night,” Val says, bringing her coat in tighter around herself as she pulls away from me.
I gnash my teeth together, trying to muster what it takes to do this.
“You don’t get it!” I need her to really listen to me. “Do you remember when we all went to Cancún for Christmas break?”
She arches an eyebrow. “Yeah.”
“I couldn’t stop staring at you. Couldn’t fucking stop it. In that cute little bikini? I think about it every night, Valentina. I remember how you looked in it better than I know the back of my own hand. And how much I just wanted to tear it off you? Painful.”
I can see the moment that understanding dawns on her, but I barrel forward anyway.
“This is why you will never be my sister. Because I…” I breathe through it, even though Val sits in shocked silence. “Because I love your voice, your brain, your tits, everything. Ilove how you put people in their place. I love how you know your own worth. And I?—”
I finally choke, because now I’m at the extra fucked-up part. The part I’m terrified of. Val is stricken, and I’m even more terrified of what she’s going to say once I squeeze out this last vial of bloody truth.
“Iwantyou,” I manage, my voice rough and low and raspy. “I want you so, so bad. I’ve wanted you for years. It’s why I tried to escape you. Why I didn’t come home.”
All I see when I look at her is shock and confusion.
“Damn it,” she says, her breath speeding up, her expression turning furious.
I’ve ruined everything. I have literally dropped a bomb on our lives. And for what?
“Are you serious?” she asks, peering up at me with eyes like knives. “Are you pulling my fucking leg, Banon? I don’t know why you would, but…”
It breaks my heart that she thinks I would make this up just to screw with her.
“I’m telling you the truth, the real truth. This is the monster that’s been locked up inside me all this time.” My heart is racing in my chest, ready to burst out of me like a goddamned alien. “I know I’m disgusting. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every stupid thing I did trying to prove that it wasn’t true. Trying to prove tomyselfthat I wasn’t fucking obsessed with you.”
Val doesn’t speak at all as her eyes fall to the ground. She’s horrified, as I expected.
“Fuck!” I run my fingers through my hair. “Fuck, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of this, I?—”
“Shut up.” She grabs my hand in hers and squeezes it hard. “Just stop.”
So I do. I listen and I stop moving, stop talking, stop breathing.
“Thank you,” she says. “Thank you for finally telling me.”
My heart spasms. Is she going to forgive me? I know that’s too much to ask, but I can hope.
