Page 42 of Up All Night
She slides over, on the wheeled stool, opens up a drawer that’s full of little urine sample bottles, and hands me one.“You know where the washroom is.I’ll just be in here."
I go do my thing in the ladies' room, and when I return, she’s already got a small piece of litmus paper waiting at the corner of the small sink.With her gloved hand, she opens the lid of the urine sample bottle, and slips the litmus paper in, while I wait.
While I draw in a deep breath, I see her pull the paper out, and dump the remaining urine into the sink, and then she removes the gloves.She says with a sigh.“Let this go down in history that it wasn’t you."
“Come again?“
“Your ex was the one with the fertility problems.We’ve got proof of that now."
“Is this your idea of a joke?"
She smiles.In my head, she’s saying that yes, it’s a joke.But in the time that I’ve known Dr.Allen, she’s never so much as cracked a joke."You are very pregnant, my dear.That is no joke."
A lump immediately forms in my throat.I blink rapidly, not sure if tears will come or not.I say nothing.
“Are you happy about this, Lark?"
“I don’t know.All this time, I thought I couldn’t have children.It’s all the wrong time, of course, but isn’t that always the way."I say to her or to myself, I’m not sure which.
"Do you have any guesses as to when your last period came?That’s the only way to determine how far along you are."
“A month, a month and a half ago, maybe?I don’t know.I wasn’t really keeping track.I haven’t been keeping track since Steve and I broke up.There was really no need, once I stopped trying to get pregnant."
“Well, sometimes they say that when you stop trying, that’s when you actually get pregnant.It happened to me."
“Did you want the baby?"
“It doesn’t matter now, because I lost her."
My expression falls.“I’m so sorry."
“It’s okay, Lark.Just know that you are not the only person that has experienced fertility problems.I’ve been trying for over ten years to have a baby, and that’s the closest that I ever got.I can refer you to a doctor that does abortions, though, because I don’t want any woman to ever feel pressured to have a baby that they don’t want.Unfortunately, Dr.Grant does not perform abortions."
“Oh?“
“Not all doctors do.There are a number of factors involved.For now, why don't you think about it.I’ll send you for an ultrasound and I’ll give you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins, so that first we know how far along you are, and how much time you have before you need to make a decision."
I take a deep breath.
“Do you need a moment alone?I don’t want you getting back into your car upset."
“No, I’m fine.I just need some time.A lot of time."
“Give me a minute.Sometimes the ultrasound lab has a cancellation, especially first thing in the morning."
I feel numb as she leaves.A few moments later, she returns.“It's you’re lucky day.You’ll have to drink a couple of bottles of water, but they do have an opening in an hour, if you want it.It’ll at least put your mind at ease, knowing exactly how much time you have before you have to make a choice.”
“I really appreciate it, doctor.Thank you so much.”
“Good luck.”She says with a tentative smile.
I sit on a bench just outside the lab, drinking water, feeling completely numb, and yet a small part of me wants to go back in time and punch Steve in the face.Another small part of me wants to puff my chest out with pride.It's stupid, I know, because how many women out there get pregnant by accident, right?But the pride part comes from the fact that I was once dumped because of the assumption that I was the fertility problem.Yet again, the fear, it's also in there.Fear for losing my job, not only because Lucy is going to know that I had an affair with her client, but also because I'm going to have a baby, and that means that her and my boss are going to look at me differently.They're going to look at me and think that I'll need special treatment.And finally, the fear that Stone doesn't want to have children, and worse, that he doesn't want to see me anymore, because I'm pregnant with his unwanted child.
That's when I start to think do I even want this child?My mind rewinds back to Dr.Allen.So many women can't have babies.There was a time when I also thought that I couldn't.And now that I know that I can, I'm not sure if I want to squander that gift, even if it means losing everything else that means something to me.It's such a difficult choice to make.And as I'm called into the office, to have cold gel squeezed on my belly, it all stops.The racing mind, the constant worry, the unending thoughts, when the baby's heartbeat fills the room.It's surreal.It's foreign, and it takes me a moment to realize that that sound is coming from inside me.It's my living, breathing, developing baby, that I made with Stone."You're about seven weeks, almost eight weeks along, by the size of the fetus."
I give the technician a look, wanting badly to correct her.That's not a fetus, that's my baby.But I stop myself.Because inside my head I realize that I just defended my child.It might have been all inside my head, but I defended it.The thought confuses me.Part of me wants to want this baby, but I'm not ready to admit it yet.I'm not ready to believe that I could be a mother and still have all the things that I want in life.All the things that I already have that I love.The lump in my throat is almost too much to bear, and she has the grace to turn her back, while I try to compose myself.She hands me a sheaf of paper with the image of my child in my belly, and I leave.
The air conditioning has blasted on and off a dozen times as I sit in my car, staring at the photograph.My thoughts are interrupted as my phone pings with a text message.It's one of my clients, telling me that they want to see a property, and while I did call in sick to the office, there is no such thing as taking a day off when you're a realtor.Deciding that my best course of action for today is to divert my thoughts to something else, I drive myself home, shower again, and choose a blouse with a comfortable shelf bra, instead of my all too tight undergarment."At least now I know why."I tell myself, trying to reconcile the fact that at least I'm healthy, and there is now an explanation for the strange physical changes that I was trying to dismiss.
