Page 30 of For Love or Money
‘Thanks.’
‘I’m so happy for you, Dan.’ She was, but it was tinged with sadness, and she resented that even the most joyful event was shot through with some melancholy.
His fingers curled around hers. ‘You’re going to be an aunt,’ he said, and her smile faltered. Because she wasn’t going to be an aunt, was she? Not really. Not in any way that counted. She would never see Dan’s baby, never get to hold her tiny niece or nephew. She wouldn’t take them to the park, or sing at their birthday parties, or buy them extravagant, impractical presents. She’d be a stranger to them. If they passed her in the street, they wouldn’t know who she was.
She blinked hard, shaking off the unwelcome surge of self-pity. ‘How far along is she?’ she asked.
‘Only ten weeks.’
He picked up his jacket from the seat beside him and pulled his phone from the pocket. After thumbing through the screen for a few moments, he held it out to Stella.
It was a picture of Annie, his beautiful wife. She was tall and athletic, with olive skin and long, poker-straight dark hair. Her wide smile was dazzling, her whole face lit up. She was dressed in grey jogging bottoms and a white tank top, one hand holding the camera out at arm’s length, while the other rested significantly on her stomach. Stella had to look hard to make out the barely discernible bump.
‘She looks so happy.’ It felt odd to talk about his wife in such a familiar way, as if she knew her. But Stella felt strangely close to her, even though they’d never met.
‘She’s over the moon,’ Dan said, glancing lovingly at the screen as she handed him back the phone. ‘We both are.’
He was practically glowing, and Stella felt a surge of love for the woman who had made her brother so happy, together with a pang of longing to share in their joy and excitement. She yearned to wish Annie well, to be part of their family. But Annie didn’t even know she existed.
‘I wish you’d meet her, Stella,’ he said, closing the phone and putting it away. ‘You’d like her.’
‘I know I would. But would she like me?’
Dan frowned. ‘Yes, she would,’ he said, defensive. ‘She’s a good person.’
‘Sorry.’ She rubbed his shoulder. ‘I know she is.’ She sank back against the sofa. ‘I can’t believe you’re going to be a dad.’
‘Me neither.’ He gave a nervous laugh. ‘I just hope I’m better at it than our old man.’
‘Of course you will be.’ She rested her head on his shoulder.
‘Wouldn’t be hard, I suppose.’
‘Have you seen Mam and Dad lately?’ she asked, her voice hardening.
‘I saw them at Christmas. We exchanged crappy jumpers and socks.’
‘How are they?’
‘Still gobshites.’
‘Are they excited about being grandparents?’
‘We haven’t told anyone yet – just you. God, I just wish you could—’
‘I know.’ She lifted her head. ‘Me too. I’d love for you to be at my wedding. I’d love to meet your baby and get to know Annie.’
He clasped her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. ‘If it’s just about Mam and Dad … you know that if it’s a choice between you and them, I’d pick you, right? Every time.’
She blinked away tears. ‘I know.’ She nodded. ‘But it’s not just them. It’s what happened with Steve, and—’
‘That fucker!’ Dan snarled, his hand tightening almost painfully on hers.
‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘your baby should know its grandparents, however crap they are. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for depriving your child of its family.’
‘What about you? You’re family too. I fucking hate that you’re not going to be part of my kid’s life.’
‘It’s just better this way. For everyone.’ It was how she had chosen to live, cutting herself off completely from her past and everyone in it. Twice now she had shed her old self like a snake shedding its skin. It was easy moving on and starting over; finding new friends and new jobs, inventing new identities. She had developed quite a talent for it. There was nothing she missed, nothing pulling her back – except Dan. He was the only link to her past that she couldn’t bear to break. She loved him too much, and she knew no one could ever love her more or know her as completely as he did, even if she told them everything. Because she was more than the sum of her secrets. Dan knew her from the start and he loved her as he always had. That was the one constant in her life, and she couldn’t let it go.
