Page 104 of The Reboot
‘It wasn’t a big thing,’ Hazel said, seeming anxious that she’d made Ella sad. ‘I just preferred the Ella you were when it was just us. You seemed … freer, more yourself.’
‘I think that’s how I am with Roly.’ She could just be herself with him – her truest, most authentic self.
‘Can I get you ladies the dessert menu?’ the waitress asked as she cleared away the plates.
‘What do you think?’ Hazel asked Ella. ‘Are you too full, or do you have room for birthday churros?’
Ella grinned. ‘There’s always room for birthday churros.’
26
The daybefore the Walking Wounded concert, Ella arranged to meet Andrew for coffee at a cafe close to Trinity. She got into town early, so she decided to go for a stroll around the college to pass the time. It was a warm, sunny evening, but she gave a little shiver as she passed under the front arch and through the darkened passageway into the sunlit cobbled courtyard.
Students milled about in front of the buildings or stretched out on the grass, sunning themselves. The college was at its romantic best on days like this, and she strolled around taking it all in, trying to imagine herself back here. In the distance she heard the soft whack of cricket balls, growing louder as she made her way to the cricket ground. Students sprawled on the steps of the Pavilion Bar, drinking, chatting and watching the match. The atmosphere was pleasantly familiar, yet she felt remote from it, as if she was looking at an old photograph or reading a page from her teenage diary.
She’d sat on those same steps, drinking cold white wine and flirting with Andrew to the soundtrack of the whack of cricket bats and the occasional light ripple of applause. She could almost see their shapes locked together on the grass, or walking hand in hand around the cobbled paths. She could see her and Hazel running to class together, late and out of breath; she could hear their giggles carrying in the air. But all she felt was nostalgia. She had no sense of what it would be like to be back here now.
She didn’t feel any great pull to the place. It still had power to charm her, but there was none of the love and yearning it used to stir in her. She could admire it with the detached eye of a tourist, and like a tourist she could walk away without a qualm and move on to the next place. It wasn’t a part of her anymore.
For old times’ sake, she wished she could meet Andrew for a drink here instead, and they could bask in the evening sun sipping cold white wine, the sounds of the cricket match in the background mingling with the hum of laughter and chatter. But Andrew didn’t drink now – just one more reminder that those days were gone.
She’d just sat down at the cafe across the road when Andrew came bustling in. She waved to him and pointed to the coffee in front of her to indicate that she’d already got one. He nodded and chatted to the pretty young woman behind the counter as she served him. They seemed to know each other. Or perhaps not. It was one of the things she’d always admired about Andrew, his ability to chat easily to strangers.
He crossed the cafe and put his mug down on the table, then leaned in to kiss her hello.
‘So, I thought we should talk,’ she said as soon as he sat down. She wasn’t sure how to do this, so she decided to just launch straight in and get the awkwardness out of the way as quickly as possible.
‘That sounds ominous,’ Andrew said, smiling.
‘Hmm.’ Ella took a sip of her coffee. How did you break it off with someone when you hadn’t really started anything in the first place? It seemed presumptuous. ‘I just – I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings, so I thought I should tell you—’
‘You’re dumping me?’ At least it didn’t seem to have come as a shock. Andrew didn’t look very put out about it, which was a relief.
‘Um … yeah. I mean, I know we haven’t got back together, really.’
‘But we were possibly heading that way.’
‘Yeah. To be honest, I thought that was what I wanted. But it’s not. It just doesn’t work anymore, does it – you and me?’
Andrew nodded and took a sip of his coffee. It was impossible to tell what he was thinking. ‘I guess the cracks were always there,’ he said eventually.
That annoyed her because it wasn’t true. She hated when people felt they had to rewrite the past to match the present. ‘No they weren’t. At leastInever saw them. I thought we had a great relationship.’
He looked confused. ‘If you think we’re so great together—’
‘I saidwere– past tense.’ She sighed. ‘I don’t need to create some revisionist version of the past. I was happy. I was in love with you, and I didn’t see any end to that. Maybe you did, but I was all in.’
‘So … what happened?’
‘Time.’ She shrugged. ‘That was then. This is now.’
He nodded. ‘You can’t go back.’
‘And I wouldn’t want to, even if I could. Things change. People change. That’s just life. We’re not who we used to be.’
‘I get it. You’re not the same person who fell in love with me.’
She shook her head. ‘I’m not the person you fell in love with either. Maybe I would be if I’d never been ill. But my life went in a different direction, and I like where I am now. I’m someone who works in business and sings karaoke, and watchesCelebrity Masterchef. And I enjoy it.’ She took a sip of coffee. ‘It’s not what I planned, but I’m happy where I’ve ended up.’
