Page 112 of The Reboot
The party was winding down, but still she stayed, even though her nerves were frayed and she had a pounding headache. She watched Vince leave, and Marty had disappeared, probably gone to bed, but Robert Casey was still there. She saw him go out onto the terrace for a cigarette. When he came back in on his own, she seized her opportunity. Almost without thinking about it, she made a beeline for him across the room, as if her body was on autopilot. Feeling reckless and desperate, she approached him from the side and bumped into him, spilling her drink down his shirt.
‘Oops, sorry!’
He turned to her with a smile. ‘It’s okay.’
She insisted on taking him to the bathroom, showing him where he could dry off. No one was watching as she led him quickly out of the living room and down the corridor to the guest bedroom. She swung the door open wide.
‘Oh, Roly!’
He glanced up, but barely seemed to see her, his eyes glancing off her before he bent to his task again, cutting up lines of white powder.
‘Sorry, wrong room,’ she said to Robert, quickly pulling the door closed behind her. ‘You donotwant to go in there.’ She put a finger to her nose, miming snorting, and rolled her eyes. ‘The bathroom is over here.’ She opened the door on the other side of the corridor and ushered him inside. ‘I’ll leave you to it. Sorry again.’
Afterwards, she told herself anything could have happened. It wasn’t entirely down to her. It was his decision too, and he might have done nothing. She wasn’t solely responsible for what happened next after she’d led him to the room where Roly was, once she’d closed the bathroom door behind her. She’d given him the opportunity, and it was up to him what he did with it. She’d just set it up and let the chips fall where they may. But, realistically, she knew they were only ever going to fall one way.
The next day, the whole world knew the story. The fallout was swift and brutal. Sponsors dropped the band from lucrative advertising deals. Promoters threatened to pull out of the tour. Newspapers were damning and censorious. So they threw Roly under the bus. He went to rehab and Oh Boy! went to America without him.
29
She was surprisedto hear Roly come in less than an hour after her. He tossed his keys on the table by the door with a metallic clank, and came upstairs.
‘What are you doing?’ He stood in the doorway, frowning as he took in her bags on the bed.
‘I’m leaving.’ She looked away, unable to face the hurt in his eyes. ‘Obviously I can’t stay here any longer.’ She sank onto the bed. ‘You’re home early.’
‘Yeah. I wasn’t really in the party mood anymore, strangely enough.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘So, you were planning to be gone before I got back?’
‘No. I was waiting until you came home. I wanted to talk to you first – try to explain.’
He sighed, peeling away from the doorframe. ‘Ella, I’m not kicking you out. You don’t have to go.’
‘I know you’re not, but I can’t stay here, not when you—’ She choked on a sob. ‘Not when you hate me,’ she finished.
‘I don’t hate you. I hate what you did, and I hate that you lied to me about it … or at least didn’t tell me the truth. But I know you probably thought you were doing the right thing.’ His voice sounded hollow, devoid of emotion. She almost wished he were shouting at her again.
‘You think I did it for money.’
‘No.’ He dropped his eyes. ‘I was … upset and I lashed out at you. I don’t really think that.’
‘But you don’t forgive me, do you?’
He looked her in the eye then, and she could already see the answer. ‘No. I mean … it’s a lot.’
She nodded. ‘Yeah. I know.’
He moved into the room and sat down on the bed beside her. ‘I’m trying to get my head around it. I was talking to Charlie. He said you tried to talk to me that night, both of you.’
Ella nodded. ‘But Charlie didn’t know – about what I did. That was just me.’ She didn’t want him to think he’d been betrayed by all his friends, that there was no one he could trust. ‘I was so scared for you. I was trying to make sure you’d get help.’
‘I get that – I do. But how could you not have told me? All this time … when we were—’ He broke off helplessly.
‘I wanted to. I just couldn’t find a way to tell you. And then we were so happy, and it was all so long ago, sometimes I thought … I don’t know. I wondered did it even matter anymore.’
‘Did itmatter? It wasmy life. Itismy life, still. Every day. And you think it’s just water under the bridge? I don’t believe you!’ He took a shaky breath. ‘And you’re right – we were so happy. And now that’s fucked up too.’ His voice was thick with tears and he swiped at his eyes. ‘You know what really kills me? Maybe I could have got past it if you’d been honest and told me from the start. But keeping it from me…’ He shook his head.
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry. I wish… IwishI could go back, do things differently.’ Tears streamed from her eyes. How had it come to this? Just yesterday they’d been so happy.
Roly was properly sobbing now, and she tentatively reached out and put an arm around his shoulders, expecting him to shrug her off. But instead he turned into her and allowed her to hold him. His breath was hot and damp on her neck, his tears soaking her top as she breathed in his scent, knowing it would be the last time. She held him tighter, as if she could absorb his pain, not wanting to let him go. For one crazy, desperate minute, she felt a grotesque spark of hope that they could get past this – that he’d forgive her and move on, that he could still love her.
