Page 137 of The Reboot
‘Oh yeah. I quit.’
‘What?’ she gasped. ‘You quit? Why?’
He shrugged. ‘Been there, done that. I decided it’s not what I want anymore.’
‘Oh.’
‘I think the memories are better than the reality. I’d rather remember the good stuff and leave it in the past, where it belongs.’
Ella nodded. ‘I know what you mean. I went back to work in Trinity.’
‘You did? You left Citizens?’
‘For all of five minutes. I’m back there now. I missed it too much.’ She could hardly concentrate on the conversation, too aware of Roly’s hand wrapped around hers. ‘Was Vince mad when you quit?’
‘Vince was apoplectic. I wish you’d been there. If spontaneous combustion was a real thing, he’d have done it.’
Ella laughed. She was glad they were back to their old ways, talking nonsense to each other. But at the same time, she felt they were skirting around what they really needed to talk about. Too soon, they got to Roly’s house.
‘Come in?’ he asked, jerking his head towards the gate.
‘Okay,’ she nodded. She felt a pang as she followed him inside. She’d loved living here with him. She’d loved coming home with him after a night out, when his house was her home too.
‘Do you want tea, coffee? I don’t have any wine since you moved out.’
‘No thanks. I’m fine.’
She yawned as they sat down together on the couch.
‘Sorry, are you tired? Do you want to leave this to another night?’
‘No.’ She shook her head vehemently. She’d never get to sleep now anyway, wondering what ‘this’ was.
Roly ran a hand through his hair, and she suddenly noticed how weary he looked. ‘It’s been kind of a long day.’
‘Yeah, and stressful. If you’d rather I go—’
‘No.’ His eyes were wide, almost panicked as he raised them to her. ‘Stay. Please.’
‘Okay.’
‘So, I just wanted to say sorry for being such a shit to you when I found out, you know… about what you did.’
‘It’s fine. I deserved it.’
‘No. You didn’t. I was so angry—’
‘Understandably.’
‘But I think maybe part of me was glad to have someone else to blame. It was a relief.’
‘How so?’ She frowned.
‘Because the worst thing about what happened was knowing I’d done it to myself. It’s like, what ruined your life wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done differently that would have changed it. But me – I threw it all away. It was all my own choices.’
‘You don’t choose to be an addict. It’s an illness too.’
‘But you only get it by making stupid choices in the first place. So it was a relief to have someone else to blame. I was angry at myself, and I took it out on you.’
