Page 20 of Crushed
CHAPTER 6
Cormac
After hitting the button, I waited silently. The pressurized water came down, beating into my body. Each time I went through this, I had the same exact thought: if the pressure increased even the smallest amount, this water would be capable of breaking skin.
A stranger would consider the process painful, but I found it therapeutic. It was a ritual that rid my body of the filth and horrors of the outside world, making sure that I was completely clean. There was no way that I would contaminate my daughter’s world after going through the process. I would never expose her to anything, be it physical or emotional, that would harm her.
I soaped my body, lathered from head to toe, then started the rinsing process, the water as deeply penetrating as the initial blasts. This was the process that all individuals—doctors, teachers, maintenance crew, chefs, and myself alike—went through before entering the nursery.
In the next room, I changed into one of the pairs of clothes I kept specifically for the nursery and knocked on the door. It was early evening. Rose looked up from her place at the ladybug table.
“Daddy!” Rose said. She almost knocked over her chair getting up to see me, wrapping her arms around me. I held her close.
“What are you drawing?” I asked.
“Practicing the alphabet,” she said. “R-O-S-E.”
“Your name.”
“Yeah. It’s my name.”
I walked over to the table, sitting beside her as she spelled her name again and again with careful practice, the letters smooth at times and wavy at others. Time never went by as quickly as it did when you had a child. It seemed like yesterday, I had been changing her diapers, and now, she was writing. She had been a tiny infant at birth, yet now, she was in the ninetieth percentile for her height.
The thought of Rose growing up wasn’t a reality that I was willing to face. There were too many unknown variables, and a life with uncertainty wasn’t something I could stomach. Not until I could promise her protection from the world.
“You missed Circle Time yesterday,” she said. Her squeaky voice was precious, and I found myself sitting on the floor, softening my own voice whenever I spoke to her.
“I know, sweetie,” I said quietly. “I had work.”
If our lives had been different, if her mother had lived, if I hadn’t been so obsessed with my daughter’s safety, would work have consumed me like it did now? Work was something I could manipulate, a force to control, where I always had the upper hand.
It wasn’t like that with human life. Sometimes, you didn’t understand what you did wrong, or if it was pure chance that someone died. I couldn’t live with chance anymore. I had to think about what was possible. I could control Rose’s environment, make sure she had the best possible upbringing so that I was positive that I knew everything about her medical history, so that she would never have to make a decision that put her life in danger.
“Dr. Davis got me some new books,” she said. She pointed to her reading corner. “Do you want to read?”
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
We walked over to an area with a forest painted on the wall and fairies dancing through the trees. A giant stuffed animal bear, about half my size and several times bigger than Rose, worked as our makeshift seat. We settled against it and she picked out a book.
I read aloud:Silly Cub Jane woke up one day, wondering what love was. Her mother and father had said they loved her right before she went to sleep, and it had been on her mind all night. What was this love stuff? What did it mean, really?
“This is kind of young for you,” I interrupted. “I thought we were reading chapter books together now.”
“Yeah, but I like this book,” she nudged it towards me, “Keep reading.”
So she went and asked her mother, Smart Lioness Mama, “Mama, what’s love?”
My chest tightened, but I continued reading. As long as Rose didn’t notice, it didn’t matter.
“Love is hard to explain, Silly Cub Jane,” she said. “Let’s go ask your father.”
Silly Cub Jane went to her Loyal Lion Daddy next. He was watching the grasslands proudly.
“Loyal Lion Daddy, what is love?”
“Love is difficult and love is easy, Silly Cub Jane. Why don’t we ask your mother?”
“She said to ask you!” said Silly Cub Jane.
