Page 67 of Dangerous Silence
“Not good enough,” he said.
“I want to live. Fuck!” I raked my fingers across my thighs. My breathing was close to hyperventilation. Another shovel full. “Please, Axe,” I cried. But still. More dirt hit my face. “I want to live,” I screamed. He glanced over the edge, but never stopped his task. “I would rather live,” I cried, my voice hoarse, “I would rather live. I would rather live. I would rather—”
Axe jumped into the pit, his boots hitting the earth in a loud thud. I closed my eyes, readying myself for his blow, but he pulled me out of the dirt, scooping me up by the ass, holding me against him.
“I would rather live,” I cried, shaking in his arms. “I would rather live. I would rather live. I want to live, Axe. I do. I want to—”
And he kissed me so hard that I thought I might pass out. His lips were angry and passionate and completely locked on mine, shutting me up in that embrace, hungry and possessive, as if he wanted to show me that this, all of this, was because of me. It didn’t matter that I was covered in dirt, that he was as filthy as I was, because Axe needed me, and that was enough. It wasn’t about a promise;hewanted to keep me alive.
When I opened my eyes, his gaze was locked on mine, as if he was fascinated, watching me as we kissed. Hastily, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, pressing me against the wall of dirt, some clumps crumbling between us, and he looked me in the eyes, watching my face as he stopped holding himself back from me. He thrust his cock inside of me. I grimaced, biting my lip. But I was glad for the pain. It was real. It was real, and it was mine, and it was what this world gave me. A chance at life. A chance at pain. A chance at something real.
Axe held me there, pinned with his body against the dirt wall, and he moved his hips, throwing himself against me.
“Never forget this,” he grunted. “Never forget what a gift this life is.”
And how could I? Everything had changed so rapidly that I couldn’t tell what my old life was anymore, and I knew, even if I had to leave Axe behind, that I wanted more of this world. The one we were living in, inside of that moment. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. Because dying would mean that there would never be this again: his touch against my skin, his breath on my neck as he panted, his body rapt with just as much desire as mine, our bodies caked with mud and grime as he fucked me like he needed me, like it gave him life, because maybe it did. Maybe he needed to understand too. He was showing me what it meant to live, to have a chance at life, but he wanted to feel it all, to know the gift for himself.
The shadow from the sides of the hole swallowed us up, but his black eyes shined with the light beginning to filter in through the trees. I pressed my lips to his, and he didn’t pull away. He stared into me and I savored him: his velvet tongue, the groove in his bottom lip, his slick teeth, his tongue sliding against mine, wrestling with those scars he had given me. His cock pulsed inside of me, so big and unforgiving that tears welled in my eyes, and I couldn’t tell if it was from the physical pain or the emotional release. But I wanted it all. I wanted him in all of the ways. Biting me. Hurting me. Caressing me. Fucking me. Hating me. Teaching me. I wanted his passion, his love, and I knew in my heart that it was mine. That Axe needed me too.
“I love you,” I cried, staring into him. His hips kept moving, but his eyes blinked, still locked on mine. “I love you. I do. I love you so fucking much.”
He closed his lips, his rhythm hurried. But his eyes studied me, searching for the truth. He was a monster who had done unspeakable things, but he wasn’tlost. He was here. Here with me. Inside of a hole in the ground where together, we could climb out. He had shown me the darkness and given me light, given me hope, given mechoice, when I thought I had nothing left.
“I love you, Axe,” I repeated, knowing he wouldn’t say it back. With those words, he twitched, his cock pulsing as he hammered into me. Then he gushed inside of me and I held him tight, squeezing my muscles, clamping my arms and legs around him. And his eyes never left me. He wanted to see me. To understand.
And I saw him too. I saw all of him, and I didn’t run away.
CHAPTER 22
Axe
After we both took a long shower, we drove to Pebble Garden University. The only thing I could do right then, was to get Demi to Pebble Garden. Deep breaths in, then out, a steady pattern, so that she would never know what this did to me. Demi stared out the passenger window, her pale blue and purple hair faded almost to white, her dark roots growing in.
We pulled into the parking lot next to the tennis courts. I rolled down my window and the sound of the ball and the racquets filled the van. Bicycle bells. Students talking. A few young adults leaned against one of the buildings, a few of them smoking, the others gesturing around. And down the way, a slackline was spread between two trees, while a group of fit and thin men took turns balancing on it, each time checking to see if the women reading at the park bench were watching. An acoustic guitar strummed in the distance.
This was where she was meant to be. Where things were simple. Where the biggest problem she would face was whether or not she could fit some slackline in before her next class. Demi tossed her hair behind her back, her PGU sweatshirt in her lap. She unzipped her backpack, stuffing in the sweatshirt, then puttingCrime and Evidenceon top, then closed it back up. She held the bags in her hands but then froze in place. Didn’t open the door. I made sure it was unlocked, and once I confirmed that, her shoulders slumped, leaning back against the seat.
“You don’t want me, do you?” she asked. I refused to answer. She sighed deeply, then turned to me. “I already missed most of this semester.” She looked down at her bags. “I’ve failed those classes by now. And because of that, I’m probably not enrolled anymore. So I—”
“Wil talked to the dean,” I said. I kept a stoic face, watching as her expression shifted from disappointed to confused. “They worked it out.” And I had paid for the rest of her tuition and board for the next four years. Made it so that her future bills would come to me. “You can stay on campus, audit the rest of the term. Start next semester.”
Her eyes lowered and my gut twisted into knots. This would have been easier if she fought me. If she tried to stop me. I would have been able to dismiss her.
But this wasn’t like that. Even if she didn’t like it, she knew, as well as I did, that this was for her own good.
“What about the promise?” she asked.
I thought about marriage. The idea seemed like a fantasy now, a woman as young as Demi, with so much life in front of her, who believed in justice, marrying me. A criminal. I killed for a living, and no matter how hard she tried to change me, I still felt no remorse.
And at the same time, I clenched my fists, as if I could grab that fantasy out of thin air and make it mine. Demi had unlocked a part of me that I didn’t understand. The part that may not have cared for others, but cared for her. Only her.
But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t let myself. Keeping her here was her best option for survival. She couldn’t be with me.
“I will make sure you’re safe,” I said. I couldn’t decide whether to put one of my best men on her security or to leave her well-being completely to myself. If I did it myself, I knew I would be too tempted to see her again. And this? Whatever this was? It made me weak. Made me forget about my purpose. Made me care about things that didn’t matter.
And yet I knew I would never trust another soul to watch her like I could. As soon as the war was over, I would take full control of her care.
“If you see me or my men,” I turned for a second, watching the tennis game through the fence, then turned back to her, “Stay away. Don’t speak to us. We’ll watch over you. But it’s not safe for you to get close to us again.”
