Page 67 of Dangerous Command
My chest seized up and my breath caught in my throat. All at once, I was hot and it was humid and I couldn’t breathe. Derek’s face was red from fighting and the heat and the fact that he would never be able to trust me. Just like I couldn’t trust him. I was better off alone like I was before all of this. When it was only Mack and me. We could survive without the Adlers. We had done it before. We could do it again.
What was I doing here, in the Last Isle, chasing a phantom, when I should have been with my son?
Derek’s eyes widened and he held my face, forcing me to look into his eyes.
“Breathe,” he said, calmly and loudly over the rain. “Just breathe. You’re alright. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”
Buthewas there. My stepdad. Evil lurked out there. And I was next.
Derek searched me, trying to see beyond my walls, but I kept building them higher. I couldn’t admit the truth. Not until I knew that I could prove myself to Derek. That I could keep Mack safe.
And what if I wasn’t able to do that?
“Can I trust you, Mads?”
The tears were hot against my cheeks. Derek kissed my forehead, and the tears came faster, racing down my skin. He helped me to stand, then he wrapped an arm around me, holding me tight. I fought with myself internally; I didn’t deserve this love or protection but damn it, I needed it too. We walked around the bodies, then he led me to the tourist hub. At the first hotel, he paid cash, then led me to the room.
We were on the fourth floor, with a view of the square. It was essentially an outdoor mall, with vendors in tents instead of shops. A place where tourists could happily spend their money and never venture into the local parts of the island. Where people like my stepdad waited and watched. People like Miles Muro.
Derek appeared at my side, handing me a damp washcloth, a dry one clutched in his other hand.
“You need to tell me what’s going on,” he said, his voice low and demanding. “I want to keep you safe, but I can’t do that unless you tell me everything.”
His words broke me in two. I was only doing what I had to do, to survive, to make money, to protect my son. Muro wanted me to deliver Derek’s head, and I needed to keep Mack safe.
How had I ended up here, keeping secrets too great to tell?
“Just promise me,” I whispered, staring at our soaked shoes. “Promise me you’ll protect Mack.”
“I’ll protect both of you,” he growled. “I love you, Mads. Don’t you understand that? I hate that I do, so fucking much, but I do. I love you. So why won’t you let me help you? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”
I hate that I do, so fucking much. But I do.
Did he actually love me?
My whole body started shaking again. My mind raced. What was love, anyway? The unconditional loyalty and protection I gave my son? Could I feel that for anyone else? Could Derek feel that for me?
No. He couldn’t. Not when I couldn’t tell him the truth.
“You don’t love me,” I whispered. “You don’t even know me.”
“I do,” he said, “I do, Mads. But I want you to tell me the truth. I want you to admit it yourself.”
He grabbed my face and kissed me so deeply, I couldn’t breathe. My face was streaked with snot and tears and rain and yet he still kissed me in a suffocating embrace. But I couldn’t take it. Wouldn’t let myself feel the joy of his touch. So I pushed him as hard as I could. I needed him to get away. It was for his own good.
Shock covered his face, but he tilted his head. He came toward me again.
“Don’t fool yourself,” I snapped, suddenly angry. “If you know me, then why haven’t you killed me already?”
“I don’t need to,” he said, putting a hand behind my back.
He was always so sure of himself. So confident that it made my knees weak. Made me lightheaded.
“There are things I can’t tell you,” I whispered. “You would hate me for it.”
“There’s nothing you could say that would shock me,” he said.
All of that sadness and frustration and fear deflated from me, and I was grateful for that. But those words were supposed to make me feel better; instead, they emptied me. Because shocking him with my truths wasn’t the same as him hating me.
