Page 65 of Reckless
20
Kelly
“Up next is Gagedwith their new release ‘You Were For Me—’”
“Fucking hell.” I smacked the knob of the car radio to the off position, but the words of the DJ burned my ears in the silence.
You were for me.
“There must be other songs to play,” I shouted at the radio display, pounding my fist on the steering wheel. “Why are they playing that song every fifteen fucking minutes?”
It had been a very long three months since Gage left, and I didn’t need that damn song coming on to remind me that he’d left. I thought at first that he just needed time. But he wouldn’t take my calls. It was almost the exact same scenario as in high school when my dad and brother died, only in reverse. It made me ill. After I realized he was blazing across the US on tour, I knew exactly what I meant to him.
The backs of my eyes burned, and I shook my head, trying to shake off the emotion. I just wanted to move past it, needed to forget about him, but the world wouldn’t let me. He was everywhere, on every newspaper, magazine, on television, on the fucking radio. They covered the concerts, interviews, and wild parties. Gaged had exploded even bigger than ever before when Gage returned, and they were everywhere. Tormenting me. Every. Single. Day.
The only good thing was that I hadn’t yet seen a photo of him with another woman. But that would come. I’d tried to prepare myself for it, but I knew it’d still destroy me when it happened.
I pulled into the hospital parking lot and found a parking space but didn’t kill the engine right away. Remaining in place with my hands on the steering wheel, I wondered what would happen if I did something crazy like drive off into the sunset. I had to admit the temptation was real. But I’d never act on it.
The inner voice that I’d heard too much from over the past month chimed in.If you want him, you’re going to have to go and get him.
“Mom needs me,” I said out loud, then looked around to make sure no one was watching. All I needed was for someone to see me talking to myself.
But deep down, the realization was sinking in that really, she didn’t need me. Not the way I thought she did. After Gage left, I took a little step back and examined everything from a slightly different angle, the angle that Babs had pointed out. I could see that maybe Mom didn’t quite rely on me as much as I’d assumed. That maybe she’d been going along with a script I’d written and made more elaborate over the years. That maybe it wasmewho relied onherto need me.
The bottom line was, I now knew where I stood. Taking a step out of the box I’d made for myself terrified me, and I wasn’t sure I had it in me.
One by one, I pried my fingers from the steering wheel. Every step I took toward the hospital was heavy, like my limbs were encased in metal. If I didn’t have patients who needed me, I wasn’t sure I’d have the inner strength to go inside.
I gave a half wave to the receptionist at the information desk and didn’t stop until I got to the break room. I needed coffee before I could even think about my next move.
“Hey there, Kelly.” Millie looked up from stirring her coffee. “How you feeling today?”
I made a noncommittal grunt that had her right eyebrow shooting up.
“I don’t know. I need some caffeine though.”
“You look tired, dear.”
“Thanks.” I dragged myself to the coffeepot and chose a cup nearly as big as my head.
Millie laughed at my bowl-sized mug. “Why don’t you just go?”
I kept my eyes on the cup, but my nerves jangled like I’d jammed my finger in the socket with the coffeemaker plug. “Go?”
“To wherever Gage is, or Gaged. They’re on tour. I could look up their schedule.”
My hands shaking, I poured, trying not to splash hot coffee on myself. “And do what? Fight my way to the front row and scream his name? Cry on his feet? No thanks.”
“I’m sure you could come up with a plan better than that.”
Giving Millie the stink-eye, I picked up my mug and headed out the door of the break room. Taking a sip, I gagged. I’d been in such a rush to get away from Millie that I’d forgotten to add cream and sugar.
I didn’t even enjoy coffee before. I only drank it to give me something to do, a moment of distraction, and now it seemed I couldn’t function without it.
Fortunately, my work provided plenty of distractions. But it was like Millie had opened a can of worms that burrowed into my brain—like the scene in the movieStar Trek II: The Wrath of Khanwhere the eels eat their way into the brains of Kirk’s crew. All day, I ricocheted from avoiding anything to do with Gaged to the opposite side of the fence—googling the band, the tour, the man himself.
On her deathbed, I promised Babs I’d look after him, so it was necessary that I check on Gage occasionally. Right? I hadn’t exactly fulfilled my obligation as of yet, but it was kind of hard to when the focus of said obligation was a total-ass rock star.
