Page 60 of Reckless
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Gage
My legs were numb. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been standing next to Mom’s flower-draped coffin, long after the funeral service had ended and everyone had drifted away. I didn’t care.
Babs had been bigger than life, taking on both a mom and dad role, practically adopting any kid I brought home. What was I going to do without her now?
I couldn’t stop thinking about those last moments with her.
“Mom, I’m going to stretch a bit,” I murmured quietly, “just to get my blood flowing again. You need anything?” My legs had gone numb, like they were right now. Only then, I could feel the rest of my body.
She’d been drifting in and out of sleep over the last couple of hours but turned to me and gave a little smile. “People have their hurts and hurt others, sometimes without meaning to. You’re going to be okay, despite that hurt. I love you, son.”
She was talking about my father and maybe Kelly too, and I didn’t want to be negative, not then. So I told her I loved her too and left the room.
When I came back, I thought she’d just gone back to sleep again. But that wasn’t it. She was gone, and grief hadn’t stopped tearing through me like a tornado since.
While the world tilted and shifted beneath me, I’d prepared everything for her sendoff. Actually, I’d just gone along with everything she’d already planned. She’d taken care of it all as usual. I didn’t even have the responsibility of writing a check.
Crickets buzzed in my ears. Was it evening already?
I blinked rapidly, trying to grasp the time of day, but I went lightheaded and staggered backward. But I didn’t fall. Instead, hands appeared. Small, soft, familiar hands that grasped my arm and guided me into a chair.
“I’m sorry, Gage.” Kelly’s voice came to me through the fog, sounding like she’d been crying. She was lucky. If I could cry, maybe this pressure wouldn’t be building under my skin.
It didn’t matter how much time I’d had to prepare, it hadn’t made a scrap of difference. All day, between the slideshow and visitors’ comments, Mom’s life flashed before my eyes. I wanted to grab on to each memory, dive into it, live in that moment there instead of here so I could keep her. But I couldn’t hold on to even one of them.
“What…what do I do now?”
“You just sit here for a few more minutes. Then we’ll need to go.”
Go.
Yes, I needed to go. Mom’d had a beautiful funeral, but I knew what happened next, and I didn’t want to be around for it, couldn’t.
Kelly squeezed my arm then stiffened as even more photographers appeared. “The vultures,” she whispered. “Can’t they leave you alone for even a second?”
I watched the throng grow, almost emotionless now. “No. This is my life.”
She looked so very sad as she turned her face away, and that’s when I knew. This was my life, but it could never be hers.
As much as I knew I’d wanted a future with her just short weeks ago, now I was numb to almost any emotion. I hadn’t had many people in my life I could count on or who didn’t want something from me. Mom was the only one. And now that she was gone, I was truly on my own.
Kelly was a risk, and I knew she was already growing weary of my celebrity status and seeing her name be smeared in the tabloids every damn day. If I asked her to come to New York with me now, asked her to give up everything and tour with me, have a life with me, I wasn’t sure if she would go. And I wasn’t sure I could bear to have her tell me no.
“I’m here for you, Gage,” Kelly whispered over and over. “I’m here, you aren’t alone.”
But I was.
I now understood why Kelly once pushed me away. Even having her arms around me was hard. I just wanted to be alone, but at the same time, I never wanted to be by myself again. It didn’t feel like it would ever be okay again.
Before I abandoned my mother to her forever sleep, I went to her side and made one last promise.
“I’ll…I’ll be better.” I gulped, swallowing back what I swore would be the last of my tears. “I’ll live better, I will do all the things you wanted of me. I’ll stop the partying, the drinking, the sleeping around. I’ll be the man you wanted me to be.”
Then I kissed Kelly one more time.
A kiss of goodbye.
