Page 37 of Fall
Me: Ur too sweet. Glad you and Tams were here for me.
Cassandra: Of course. We can do our own soiree to mark your 18th soon. Maybe from my dorm after next week? Or from Tams’. Speaking of… She was acting all kinds of weird last night.Right?
Me: Maybe. Didn’t notice. Had a lot going on, kinda.
Cassandra: True… been trying to talk to her all fucking morning. Did she say anything to u at all today?
Me: No. Probably sleeping. U know how she gets.
Cassandra: Yes I know, but this is different.
Me: Different how?
Cassandra: Well I just dropped by her house, and she pretty muchchased me off. Said she couldn't talk to me. I wanna know wtf that's about.
Me: Who knows. It’s only eight am. Just saying.
Cassandra: True. Didn’t even think of the time.
Me: Hey, will ttyl ok? I gotta take care of some shit.
Cassandra: OK chica. Guess I’ll have to wait for frosh week to have some fun with my bitches, if u kwim ;)
Dammit.A new wave of disappointment overcomes me at Cassandra’s reminders about the start of college. We were all accepted into different schools, but our campuses aren’t too far apart, so we planned to stay close, to study together, and hang out on weekends. Tammy Lou was accepted at Trenton State, Cassandra’s following in her parents’ footsteps and attending Rutgers, and I’m going Princeton.
Wasgoing.
I swallow hard to push down the dry lump in my throat, struggling with this new fucked up reality. College was supposed to be my way out. Even Father agreed that it would be best. He wants a different life for me, but even a man as powerful and influential as him has to answer up the chain. This was the reason he didn’t go against the family when the whole arranged marriageto Giorgio thing was decided.
But Father just broke ranks. Everything’s up in the air now. Who knows, maybe I’ll be free of this Giorgio sham too.
I hope it fucking is, if I have to give up Princeton because of all this.
I can’t believe I’m not going.
Not this year, anyway. All that focus on my studies. All those nights of sacrifice for my fucking SATs. All that timewith tutors, and chasing around my teachers for all the possible extra credits I could earn.
Wasted.
All because I’m a member of this family.
Because we live by rules that were set in stone long before I was born. And now that Father’s broken one of them, we all have to pay.
It wasn’t enough that I was raised practically a prisoner in this house.Italian prison, Nonnawould joke whenever I complained about not being able to have the kind of normal social life that every other teenager around me was used to. Now I have to say goodbye to college? To my friends and everything I know? And worst of all, I can’t talk about it with anyone. Because I’m not supposed to know yet.
But when the time comes, how exactly am I supposed to walk away without telling mybest friends that our college plans are fucking shelved?
I stare at the phone screen with my thumb hovering over the keypad for a long minute, not sure how to reply to her. If I agree, it’s an outright lie. And I can’t breathe a word of this to anyone.
As I wrack my brain for some response to keep our conversation going, my eyes lift up just as Antonio hurries down the hallway pastmy bedroom door with not even a glance.
It hits me again. We had one unforgettable night.
Just one.
And I’m going to lose him too. Who knows for how long.
The repeated sting of that realization is terrible, but what I can't stand right now is the way parts of my body have started to add to the reminder. Like my nipples. They're sore and sensitive from his touch, andwon't stop tingling under these supposedly soft cotton bra cups. And my lips, still raw and swollen from his urgent, demanding, mind-blowing kisses. And fuck, it's as though every square inch from my waist down to my knees are still on fire.
