Page 39 of The Holidays with Mr. Mitchell
Ash laughed. “That’s where you’ve got your husband by the balls. He’s Mr. Mitchell first, and Mr. Claus never.”
“Exactly. He’s juggling the wrong arena. But the girls? They’ve been dangling the wordcheaterover my head like mistletoe, waiting for me to crack. So, I’m not entirely in the clear. Jim’s got eyes on me, even if it’s just through our daughters.”
“Well, Jim’s no fool. He had plenty of time to think during that twelve-hour flight. What did he say about Cat’s Phase Two and the costs?”
“Nothing. I asked if he had looked at it, and he said yes and left it there. Didn’t bring up costs, Paramount, nothing.”
“Not even the Aspen snow machines or fresh-cut trees?”
“Not a word,” I smirked. “Which means he’s got something up his sleeve.”
“Is that Av?” I heard Jake in the background.
“Of course,” Ash said.
“Put her on speaker,” Jake said as Ash switched over. “Hey, Av, you’re gonna love this…”
“Go on,” I said.
“Collin and I found an exact replica of Eddie’s RV from Christmas Vacation. A guy in Arizona had one. I bought it and it’ll be here the week before Christmas.”
I burst out laughing. “Oh my God, this is the cake topper! You are absolutely insane.”
“That’s not even the best part,” Jake teased.
“What, did you hire Randy Quaid to show up as Eddie?” Ash laughed.
“No. But Collin and I need you to act like your event is cancelled at the last minute—like, day-of type chaos. You’ll figure it out. Jim’s Scrooge suit will be waiting for him after Collin and I pull off his grand entrance in the RV.”
“Okay…” I said, trying to follow.
“The plan is this: you tell Jim you need to take a drive because you’re upset and depressed after losing to him, of course. He’ll believe that while sitting smugly on his couch, drinking his bourbon in what he assumes is his victory. However, amid all this shit, you must insist he’s in Christmas Eve pajamas?—”
“Oh, fuck.” I covered my mouth. “And a robe. Frank Shirley’s outfit from the kidnapping scene!”
“Nailed it,” Jake crowed. “You guys still do the pajama exchange on Christmas Eve, right?”
“Yes. That’s exactly why this will work!”
“And I’m guessing you and Collin will barge in, kidnap him, and haul him to the Christmas Carol lot?” Ash asked.
“Don’t forget Shirley was tied up in a rope,” Jake laughed.
“You two are lucky I need you for shit like this,” I said.
“No. You’re lucky you have us, kid,” Jake shot back. “We’re talking full-scale comedy here. We’ve already got the‘Merry Christmas, shitter was full’sign ready to hang on the side.”
I nearly spit out my wine. “Jake! You’re seriously doing this?”
“Hell yes. Jim’s going to step outside, expecting peace on earth, and instead find Cousin Eddie parked on his lawn. It’s poetic.”
“Honestly,” Ash cut in, laughing so hard I could hear her wheezing, “the second he sees that RV, Jim’s blood pressure is going to spike higher than a mother fucker.”
“Exactly,” Jake said. “And then—bam—Scrooge pajamas, rope, and the grand reveal. He’ll never live this down.”
“You two are ridiculous,” I said, laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. “And I love it.”
“Jim will never see this coming,” Ash said.
