Page 65 of The Holidays with Mr. Mitchell
“I just saw my husband trending again on Instagram…” I paused.
“It’s worse on TikTok,” Addy said, still in her pajamas and curled up with Nat on the lounge sofa.
I ran my hand down my face. “Addy, can you get Mom a cup of coffee?”
“I got you,” she said, jumping up to rescue me with the only thing (aside from tequila)that could fix this day.
“Look at this picture of Jim holding up his bourbon,” Laney said. “It says,He went from ‘Yes Dear’ to ‘Who Needs a Wife When You Have Whiskey’ pretty quick.#BachelorJim #FumbledTheQueen.”
“You gotta love this shit,” Nat chuckled, reading another post. “Mr. Billionaire CEO, in his ‘I messed up, and she took the kids’era. #MitchellMeltdown #PrayForJim.”
“I can’t read any of this,” I said, chucking my phone to the side. “How the hell did the men get all over social media after playing poker at the house all night?”
“You know how,” Ash said. “Jake and Spencer were posting cryptic bro quotes like,Sometimes a man has to lose it all in order to find himself.#BoyMath #TeamAvery.”
“Jake and Spencer posted that?” I questioned.
“Not what I just read you—they just posted guys’ night pics on Instagram,” Laney said. “Nothing intentional, but since Jim blew up the internet with the damn dead trees, people are still hunting for more dirt on him.”
“Oh, my God,” Addy said, reading off her phone. “Mom, someone commented,He rescued brown trees but couldn’t save his own marriage.”
“Stop,” Nat wheezed, clutching her stomach. “This one says,Guess she finally composted him.#TreeHuggerDivorce #ReplantingSeason.”
“There’s a meme,” Ash added, scrolling. “Jim is standing at poker night, holding up his drink, and the caption says,When you save the trees but lose the forest.”
“And this,” Laney managed between laughter. “Someone wrote,He should’ve rescued his wife instead of the damn tree.#BachelorJim #MitchellMeltdown.”
I groaned and covered my face. “He’s going to murder us all by this point.”
“Oh no,” Ash said, showing me her phone. “Too late! Someone has already edited their tree video with the Titanic theme and slow zoomed in on them looking sad next to a pine. The comments are calling it‘The Fall of Mitchell.’”
Addy gasped. “Mom! Look! TikTok just made a whole mashup—it’s the brown Christmas-tree video and poker-night clips together.”
“Oh, God.”
“It’s calledFrom Sapling to Single,” Nat snorted. “The captions say,When you nurture the wrong branch.”
“And this one,” Ash added, trying not to choke on her coffee. “It says,She took the tree, the mansion, and the man’s sanity.#JimAndTheDeadTreeSaga.”
I buried my face in my hands. “How do people come up with this shit?”
I couldn’t help bursting into laughter at how insane this had all become. Poor Jim was at the ass-end of every viral meme and social-media joke the internet could invent.
“Hey,” Ash said cheerfully, “if Jim’s right and all press is good press, then I suppose there’s nothing to worry about.”
“The fact that Jim and I aren’t speaking, and my dumb ass wanted to prove a point by staying here overnight, is just making this all so much worse. I’d prefer he and I talk about this.”
“I think he’s probably busting everyone’s asses who were playing poker with him last night,” Nat chuckled. “Jim’s mood has got to be shot to shit right now, especially since you two haven’t been on speaking terms.”
“And he hasn’t been laid in almost a week,” I muttered.
“That’s enough to piss me off,” Nat said. She looked at Addy. “Sorry, darling, but you’re in high school, so don’t pretend to be shocked by my anecdotes.”
“Izzy’s the one,” Addy said, trying to act unbothered. “It doesn’t bother me at all,” she said, sipping coffee instead of the hot cocoa I thought she had.
I stood up, took the cup, and eyed her. “Let’s not get you trending on social media, too, young lady. You’re suddenly okay with sex talk and drinking coffee?”
“Dad lets me drink coffee all the time,” she rolled her eyes.
