Page 5 of Falling for Him
“Okay fine, you didn’t want them with me.”
Another kick to the nuts, or so it feels.
“Lexi, had you and I hooked up that night, it would have ruined us.” Her brows furrow. “I wasn’t in the right headspace. I was chasing some fucked up fantasy I’d created in my head. I screwed up so many times but out of all those mistakes, the thing that bothers me the most is what took place between you and I.”
Quickly she looks away.
“I miss you Lex, I miss you most.”
CHAPTER SIX
Lexi
“I miss you too,”I confess.
“So why in the hell are we dancing around one another like we barely know the other person?”
“Truth?”
“Always,” he says without pause.
“I’m still working on finding that girl I lost months ago. Do you know how hard it is for me to be a social worker, helping kids with problems, when I feel so out of sorts with my own? I’m struggling, okay, and I know you and everyone else already knows this. I see the way you all look at me. I’m unsteady on my feet, I’m embarrassed, and most of all I’m angry. I’m so mad at myself, and,” I look away from him because I know he sees right through me. Bennett has always had the ability to read me so clearly.
“And you’re mad at me,” he finishes even though I didn’t get that far. I wasn’t going to say it. I know it’s a contradiction of what I was saying only moments ago. I don’t blame him for what took place with me and my ex. But I am angry at him for making me feel as though I was nothing more than second-best.
It wasn’t his intention, I know this, but it doesn’t change it.
“Lex, are you out here?” Jillian steps out onto the balcony and immediately her eyes shift back and forth between Bennett and me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s okay.” I clear my throat and use this as the perfect opportunity to get some distance from Bennett. Things were getting heavier than I have it in me to handle. “You aren’t interrupting, we were just chatting.” I shrug without looking over at Bennett. I can practically feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my head. “I was just about to head back inside.”
Hooking my arm through Jillian’s I start to drag her along and notice her glance back over my shoulder. A flash of sympathy passes over her face. A frown, her eyes soften, like she wanted to grab hold of Bennett and bring him along.
I don’t let her.
As we step inside and are finally alone I release my hold on her and finally feel like I can breathe without a hundred pounds pressing down hard on the center of my chest.
“That was awkward.” Jill sighs and I notice her eyeing me with that tell me what’s going on look of hers. Eyebrows furrowed, lips pressed in a tight line. “Why do I feel like I need to go back outside and give that man a hug?”
“It was nothing,” I assure her and she actually laughs.
“Girl, you seriously lie worse than anyone else I know.” Before I can say anything more she shakes her head and grabs my hand. “Let’s get a drink and you can try again. Only this time, tell me the truth.” Leading me to the bar I am already running through all the possible ways to get out of this, knowing none of them will work. Jillian can be kind of relentless. Out of all the girls, she is the one I hate debating anything with. It’s exhausting!
We step up to the bar and she orders two glasses of wine. I worry my lip dreading the moment we are alone. I’m silently praying someone, anyone, interrupts up.
When the two glasses are sitting before us and the bartender is off to help someone further down, Jillian turns her body to face mine.
I look away, refocusing on the balcony doors just as Bennett steps back inside. Our gazes connect, he holds my stare, and suddenly he becomes blurry from my unshed tears.
“I want to hate him, I wish I could wash away all these feelings I have, pretend they don’t exist.”
“That’s why you went back to Derrick, isn’t it?” Jillian asks but I don’t answer, because I don’t need to. “Hoping that things could be different and that he’d help take away the sting of what happened with Bennett.”
“What a joke, right?” I force a smile and take a sip of wine. “It’s awful, loving someone that doesn’t love you back.”
“He does love you, Lexi.” Jillian reaches out and places her hand on my forearm. This is a wedding, my best friend in the world married the man of her dreams and I’ve been an emotional mess all day. Hiding it the best I can, I force myself to smile and laugh.
“Loving me and being in love with me, we both know are two completely different things. I need to get over this. I need to stop dragging this out and holding on to something that isn’t there and never will be.”
