Page 34 of Deadly Aloha
That torn expression was back on her face as I stood, and it gutted me like a dull knife dipped in salt. Despite that I had fucked her twice so far today, she was tight as I fitted my cock inside her. Her hands touched me as they always had and her legs still wrapped themselves around my hips, like she wanted to secure my body to hers. But I absolutelyhatedthat she wouldn’t look at me.
Even when she’d broken up with me, she’d looked me in the eyes.
Once I was fully seated inside her, I demanded, “Talk. What the fuck is going on? I don’t want to fuck Emi. You don’t want me to fuck Emi. Yet you put a condom on me and push me towards her? What the fuck, Lu?”
She closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the door. I was entirely holding her up. Her breaths were staggered, and a single tear escaped the corner of her right eye. I leaned forward to lick it away, but froze at her words. “I can’t do this.”
Lifting my head without wiping away her fallen tear, I asked, “Do what?”
Her chin trembled. “You’re…too much. You’re so intense. I haven’t even had a chance to think about letting you back in my life, and you just bulldoze your way back into it. I can’t… I feel like I can’tbreathe.”
Slowly, I straightened, leaning back slightly but no more. She wanted space, but that was the one thing I couldn’t give her. Not again. “You’re mine, Lu. You love me. What more do you need to know?”
Her laugh was cynical. I didn’t particularly like it. She opened her eyes. “You know, you keep saying that. Rubbing my love for you back in my face without ever giving me anything in return.” She angrily wiped at her wet cheeks as more tears fell. “Same ol’ Aloiki. Has to be so tough and strong that he can’t even say three simple words to let me know he still cares.”
Three simple words? What the fuck was she talking about? “What? ‘I love you’?Lesu Kristo, Lu, I tell you that I love you all the time.” Or I had, before she left me.
But Lu shook her head. She held up four fingers. “The entire time we were together, you told me you loved me four times, Aloiki.Four. And not one of those times has been since wereunited last night. Yet you’re practically forcing me to get back together with you!”
Four? That can’t be right. I had to have said it more than that. Right? I shook my head. “I said it—” But I stopped my argument as she shook her head again, slower and more deliberate this time. Lu wasn’t one to exaggerate or make shit up. I mean, it waspossible, but damn. Four times? That seemed so… We were together nearly six years. That was less than once a year.
I took her chin in my hand. I made sure she was looking directly at me as I said without stumbling. “I love you. Maybe I didn’t say it enough. Maybe I said it in my head more than I said it out loud.” My grip tightened. “But don’t youeverdoubt it, Lu. It’s you. It’s always been you. And when you left me, I broke.Nothingmattered anymore. I fucked and I drank and I surfed…but there was no life left in me until I saw you again last night.” I lowered my head to kiss her lips. “If you need me to say it more then I’ll set a reminder on my phone. I guess I’m more of a show-and-tell kind of guy than I am a shout-from-the-rooftops guy.”
Lu stared up at me, her eyes less sad. “I don’t want you to change, Aloiki, but maybe try for four times a year instead of four times a decade? Please?”
Fuck. I couldn’t remember the last time Lu had ever asked me for something like this. She was usually so independent, and maybe I took advantage of that. Bringing my other hand up, I cupped her cheeks between my palms. “I love you. I love you. I love you. There, now I’m covered for the next year.”
Her chuckle was low. “Not what I meant.”
Yeah, but at least I got her to smile. “Now, will you tell me what that was out there?”
She crinkled her nose adorably. “It’s so stupid. Back at my apartment, you kept saying how I was yours and how I love you and making decisions for me without asking. I just… I panicked.” Her expression turned more morose than sad. “I can’t do thisagain, Aloiki. Not if we’re just going to end up with me walking out again. I can’t do it. You say me walking out on you killedyou? You didn’t see me for the first year after I left. If Nishi hadn’t come with me to California, I’m not sure I would have survived. My new job fired me within weeks because I kept crying at work and having panic attacks. I had to dip into my savings just to pay rent. It was awful. I couldn’t…function.” She let out a self-deprecating laugh. “In a weird, twisted way, watching your porn channel actually helped me.” I raised an eyebrow, but she just shrugged. “I never claimed to be sane.”
I laughed at that. “Baby, it’ll be different this time. I swear.”
“You made a promise to me once before,” she reminded me sadly.
I nodded, guilt making my stomach churn uncomfortably. “I did. And I hate myself for going back on my word. That’s how Iknowthis time will be different. I’m not joining back up with my old activist group, Lu.I’mbuilding something.Iam in charge this time. And I’ll have people at my back. We won’t just be a band of renegades, as we were recently dubbed. We’ll be closer, brothers, a family. You’ll have more than just me, Lu. And I swear to you.” I ducked my head down to kiss the top of her head. “Iswearthat I will tell you everything. No more secrets, not between us.”
Her arms reached around me. “Don’t break my heart again, Aloiki.”
“I swear it. And if I do, you’ll have an entire club at your back who won’t hesitate to make me suffer for it. Believe me, they’ll side with you over me every time.”
Lu laughed. “That’s because you’re a bit of an asshole to them. Maybe treat them nicer and they’ll be nicer to you.”
I shook my head, my lips still against her hair. “Nah. I’d rather you have the backing than me. Besides, I’ll never break your heart again, so the point is moot.”
“I almost came back so many times,” she said softly. “Nishi kept encouraging me to call you, to go see you, but I knew what would happen if I did, and I couldn’t risk it.”
Shit. Now I felt bad for thinking so negatively about Nishi. The girl was a ditz, but she’d still tried to get Lu and I to reconnect. “You’re like my drug, Lu. I can’t say no to you, and going cold turkey was fucking awful. That’s why I didn’t come after you, whyIdidn’t call you. The only way to get over you was to not think about you. And it fucking sucked.”
“Then it sounds like we’re in this to the end. But we need to communicate more, Aloiki. We need to make sure that we take time for us, outside of work and now your new club. Go riding more or surfing, but just us.”
I nodded against her. “I promise. And,” I made a face, “I’ll try to remember totellyou that I love you rather than just doing things that I think show it.”
“That sounded painful,” Lu laughed, “but I’ll take it.”
Shifting back so I could see her, I looked down into her dark, almond eyes. “Tell me who you are, Luana. Tell me who you belong to.”
