Page 43 of Property of Baffle
“I don’t know what to think anymore.I’ve driven myself crazy over it and now I have this one day where we can go face the man who I haven’t seen since the day he killed my mom.I need to get this done, close that chapter, and move the fuck on.For my sake, yours, and any future I may or may not have with my wife.”
Angel didn’t bother to argue anymore.She needed this trip as much as I did.She was only two-years-old the last time she saw our dad, and there was no way she remembered that.All she had of the man were the shitty stories her mother told her.Angel never knew what a great dad he could be.She never knew how amazing a husband he was until he stopped being that.And a part of me needed to find out if I was imagining those moments or if none of what I remembered was ever true.
Our trip was mostly quiet with some rock music playing in the background.The Penitentiary of New Mexico was located a few miles south of Santa Fe.Depending on how long we were able to visit, and what the fallout was afterward, we might stay the night or head back.
“Do you know if your mom ever visited Sticky once he was locked up?”
Angel shook her head.“I don’t think so.There was nothing else he could do for her once he was behind bars.What would she visit for?My mom wasn’t in love with him.She was in love with whatever he could give her.The minute he stopped being useful, she stopped giving a shit.”
“Sounds like you won the parent lottery there.”
“I’m guessing your mom was a better woman than mine, so at least you had a good one for a while.Believe me there were a lot of days when I was growing up, after I learned what happened, that I wished it had been my mom he killed that day.It would have been better for everyone.”
“Considering where you may have ended up, I’m not so sure it would have been better?”
“Honestly?”My sister asked.“I like my odds.”
“If there’s anything you need to tell me about your time living with your mom, anything that needs to be remedied, just spill it and I’ll see that justice gets served on whoever needs it.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, if I could handle knowing if my little sister had been left in a situation where she was abused.It was evident she had at least been neglected, and certainly wasn’t loved.I wasn’t dumb enough to think those were the worst things that could happen to a little girl, though.
“Don’t worry, big brother, I turned out just fine.What’s in my past is going to stay there where it belongs.Long forgotten.”
I didn’t believe for a single second that anything in her past was long forgotten, but I’d drop it for now.One family tragedy at a time.Today, we were confronting our father with the truth, or at least what we thought was as close to the truth as we could get.Then, we’d work on anything else.
My sister may have been an adult, but I did not like the way the guards were looking at her as we were separated and searched before they allowed us to enter the prison.We had sent in all our paperwork as well as the requests to visit our father ahead of time and everything had been approved.That was what had prompted our visit to happen now rather than after I made up with my wife.
As soon as Angel was by my side again, I refused to let her out of sight or reach.“Not sure what the old man’s going to look like,” I admitted as we walked back to the visitation area.“It’s been twenty fucking years since I’ve seen him.”
“Well, same, only I don’t remember anything from twenty years ago,” she teased with a little bump of her hip into my leg.The guard escorting us twitched like he wanted to reprimand her for it.The motherfucker really wanted to loose his teeth.
“You asked for it,and I’ll give you the truth, but remember these aren’t excuses and sure as fuck not laying blame at anyone else’s feet.It’s just how shit went down.”
“I hear you,” I said to the old man as I studied the myriad of scars that ran along the left side of his face, his arms, and across the misshapen knuckles of his right hand.My father was the same age as Crutch and you wouldn’t know it.Maybe it was his foray into drugs, the weight of killing my mother, or simply his time in prison, but he had aged in a different way.It was like he had been wasting away behind bars.The once strong, muscular man I remembered was now reed-thin and stooped.His eyes seemed slightly hollowed, and his once dark, full head of hair was buzzed downed to mostly-gray stubble.He was only in his early fifties but looked more like he was knocking on the door of his seventies at the very least.
“When you were around nine or ten, your mom was pregnant with another baby.We tried for a long time to add to our family, so we were both spun out over it.She was buying all kinds of shit and hoping for a girl.I was also secretly hoping for a little girl to dote on, but I would tease Stace and tell her it was going to be another son so we could keep the numbers up in the club.It was one of the best times of my life,” he recounted as tears glimmered in his eyes and a small smile over the fond remembrance lifted the corners of his mouth before it dimmed back down to pervading sorrow once again when he tacked on, “until it wasn’t.”
I already knew this bit of their story wasn’t going anywhere good because I didn’t have a sibling.“I don’t remember any of that,” I said to him.“The baby stuff around the house or Mom being pregnant,” I clarified after he sat there studying me.
“No, you wouldn’t remember.That was the last time your pops took you across country on his motorcycle.”
That part, I did remember.We hopped from club to club all over the country.In between stops, he would take me to see some of the craziest things, like the world’s biggest cowboy boots or the largest ball of yarn, historic landmarks, and national parks.Pops was always mean as a snake, but when we went on that adventure, it was like he was a different man.He was free somehow, and I knew that had more to do with him living wild and on the road than having his grandson tag along.The man was built to be a nomad.It was also when I realized the club lifestyle was more than just the brotherhood and clubhouse camaraderie.It was about the freedom of the open road and taking off in one direction and rolling with the punches while living life the way you wanted.
“When we found out your mom was pregnant, but that it might be a bit risky for her.Stace had a couple miscarriages after you were born.Your grandfather pulled you out of school a week before it was set to let out.The two of you left at the end of May to travel around the country together.We wanted to keep the stress of raising a rambunctious pre-teen boy off your mom to give the baby the best chance.By the time you left for the summer, she was already at twelve weeks and we had hope that she would make it that time.At fourteen weeks, she started buying all the things we needed for the baby, because if she made it that far, she figured it was set in stone.Just before you were due back, at the end of August, she was six months along.I came home to her crying.When I found her in the living room, there was blood everywhere.We had to get a new couch before you got back because it was soaked in spots.It looked like she’d been butchered.We got her to the hospital, but only just.They had to take everything.Complete hysterectomy.The baby didn’t make it.According to the doctors our little girl had been gone for at least a week.Your mom was sick, she almost lost her life, and we lost our daughter and any possibility of trying for more.”
We waited as the old man wiped away tears that fell as he told his story.
“Stace fell into a horrible depression.Even after she was cleared to resume normal physical activities, she didn’t.It was hard enough to get her out of bed let alone up on her feet to go anywhere.She wasn’t ready to have sex with me again,” he winced as he said that.“Sorry, I know that’s fucked to hear about any of your parents.I loved that woman.Would have remained a monk for her as long as she needed.When you came back, she perked up a bit, put on a good face for your benefit.Then when you weren’t around, she disappeared into that shell of herself again.
“I thought she just needed time.When we came around to the one-year anniversary of losing the baby, my dad was killed on the road in that accident.It dropped Stacey back into another deep depression.She fucking loved your pop.Don’t know why.The bastard was mean as fuck.Then again, he loved her something fierce and treated her differently than everyone else.He used to say she was delicate like blown glass.One wrong move and there would be a crack you could never fix.Any hint of gentleness in my father was poured into my wife.She was the daughter he never knew he wanted until she wormed her way into our hearts.”
His shoulders slumped and it looked like he was trying not to fall apart in front of us.That was the part I didn’t understand.The man clearly loved my mother and yet, he was in here for taking her life.
“I spiraled a bit when he died.Crutch sent me on a run to Colorado to get me away from everything.Tilly took you in during that time, since she had Travis there to keep you occupied.Lila was sent to be there for Stace.I didn’t know that’s how they worked it out at the time.If I had, I would have fixed that shit before more damage could be done.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”I asked.
“Before I ever met your mother, Lila and I had a thing.It was brief.We were just friends who fucked, nothing more, but she always hinted at wanting my patch.I almost gave in and gave it to her.Didn’t believe in love back then.Instead, I followed my gut and stepped back, told her I wasn’t ready for that kind of shit.She took it well.At least, she did until I brought Stace home to the clubhouse one day.I knew the minute I met your mother that she would be my future.Can’t explain it in a way any other person would understand, but-”
