Page 130 of The Wicked
“No one should ever stop themselves from feeling what they want to feel, Upper. You’re one of the best people I know; you couldn’t even ruin a family if you tried.”
He went silent for a long moment before he swallowed and said, “I could.”
“What do you mean?”
“I did it… almost ruined a family… a big one. It’s the reason why I’m in this bloody country. Away from everyone that I—” He stopped, the thickness of tears in his voice blocking his next words from coming through.
I rubbed his back. “Hey, I know you. Whatever happened, I’m sure it’s not your fault. I’m positive it’s not.”
He smiled. “I want to believe that. But you should have seen how I was packaged like an abomination. All that happened when they didn’t even know my sexuality; imagine how they’d treat me if they knew.”
“Upper—”
“I can’t stay, Zahra,” he blurted, and my hand movement on his back stopped.
“What are you talking about?”
He worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “I can’t stay here… with Street. I—not after what happened; it’s too fucking close to home, and I know I shouldn’t tuck tail and run, but that’s how I was able to stop my family from breaking apart the first time.”
I dropped my hand, frowning. “Upper—”
“I will go after we get the gold, and I’m not saying this because I need the money or anything like that. We started the mission together, and we’ll end it together. After that, I’m leaving Street.”
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “You don’t have to leave, Upper.”
“I know, but I want to. I need to.”
“Is this because of Devil? Do I need to knock some sense into him?”
He shook his head quickly. “No, no, don’t—don’t tell him anything. In fact, don’t tell anyone anything.”
“That’s—”
“I’ll tell them after we get the gold so it will seem as if I was selfish, and now that we have gold, I want to leave. That narrative suits me.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“I’ll make it suit me.”
“Upper.” I stopped him. “Is this because you like Devil, and he won’t return your feelings? I can talk to him. Maybe he’s just conflicted.”
He shook his head. “Me and Devil, we’re very impossible. I like him, yes. I really do, I more than like him, but it’s not going to happen.”
I frowned. “How long has this been going on between you two.”
He sighed. “The dare happened four months ago, and the other stuff just—happened along the line, we didn’t generally hook up, just like—three times, and that’s it. It was nothing.”
“Did you tell him that you liked him?”
He shook his head again. “There’s no point. I mean nothing to him. And that’s okay. I think he really does love you, Zahra. I confused him. On his behalf, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” I held his face in my hands. “None of this is your fault. It happened because it was meant to happen. Do you believe in reasons, Upper?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, believe in them. Because there’s a reason this is happening, and whatever it is, I’m sure it didn’t just push you into Devil’s path so that you could force yourself out of it. Maybe Devil loves me in his own weird way, but I am certain that he feels more for you than he does me.”
“I don’t think so.”
