Page 107 of And Still Her Voice
As I wrote before, a storymust begin somewhere. But it doesn’t have to end. Mine began long before I stabbed my father, long beforeI died on the way to the hospital.
I rememberpraying, ‘Please God, I don’t want to die. Please, I just need more time.’ I can tell you, asyou die, it isn’t only your life you seeflashing before your eyes, your regrets will haunt you duringyour final brief period of time. And, in the momentsI had left, my life played out from my beginning. Memories slowly filled the spaces where blood had vacated; wherethe cracks and fissures had broken away.
My greatest regretwas that I’d never get to meet you, Dylan. My heart spilled over with so many things I wantedto say to your father. I didn’t get tosay goodbye. I hadn’t told him that day howmuch I love him. I hadn’t said goodbye tomy own family. Told them how much I love them.
But I had no fear. I wanted to stay, untilI heard your distant cry. I felt my grandmother’swarm embrace before she let mego and receded intothe light. My heart broken in two, losing that partof me. I came back alone with a single consciousness—to be your mother.
I woke up in the hospitaland opened my eyes to see your daddy holding you. He told me he would have died if I hadn’t made it, but I’m sure after he heldyou, that would no longer be true. I felt somuch lighter, like I had so much more vacant spacewithin, but there was no gap in my memory.
Beforethis moment, all of the red flags had been waving: the headaches, blurred vision, all the sort of symptoms I’d grown up with, and then the swollen face, handsand feet. But then, after the latest move and thestress of the new baby coming, and the worry abouthow, when, and what would I tell your father aboutmy history, and then the loss of my best friend, I’d ignored the warning signs. Apparently, I’d suffereda seizure called eclampsia. But here I am to writeto you.
Little Dylan, son of the sea, this isthe beginning of your story. I don’t know whenI’ll give you this letter, certainly not before youcan read. But for now, everything is documented from thevery beginning and when you’re ready I’ll answerany questions you might still have. There will be nosecrets like what I kept from your father. I wishto only mirror and magnify your light.
Love and light, Mom.
CHAPTER 41
The Other Side
My second life began when I realized I only had one. In my room by myself, I truly knew what it felt like to be alone for the first time in my life. Grandma was gone. Rest in peace. I imagined her telling me she was having the time of her afterlife and then I realized I could still talk to her. And as twisted as that might have seemed, I told her to say ‘hi’ to my father for me and that I hoped he’d forgiven me as I had him and her, but this was now my life—let’s not forget.
Tommy sat next to me reading Dr. Spock’sBaby and Childcareand books on surfing. He acted as if he wasn’t worried about my mental state after all I’d been through. I wasn’t sure he comprehended the relationship I had with my grandmother, or whether he was just placating me, but he told me he loved me and that it would take further explanation, but now was not the time. My day nurse checked on me. She took my temperature as there was a soft knock on the door.
***
After about a week, I received my first visitors. Maggie, Patty, and Mom bounded in with balloons and a bouquet of flowers. Maggie had flown in from Arizona. Tommy hugged them andthen left the room to let us women catch up. They stepped up one-by-one to hug me, this time, more than a sideways hug.
“Josie’s outside watching my kids,” Patty said. “I’ll only stay a minute and then go relieve her.”
“And Michael’s sorry, but he’s in the middle of finals,” Maggie added.
“Oh, I know. He called to say he’d see us all for Thanksgiving.”
“How are you feeling? I heard it was a tough labor?” Patty said.
“You mean beside the part where I died?”
“What?” Patty asked. “You’re kidding. What was that like?” My sister apparently had no problems in the baby delivery department, the latest one having been born at home without a single cramp.
“She doesn’t remember too much. Let’s talk about that later,” Maggie said, pulling up a chair.
And it’s not true. I remembered everything, but I still needed some time to process the whole death experience. I didn’t want to rush through with the details while the nurse was here.
“Shall I bring the baby in?” the nurse asked.
“Oh, yes!” Patty clapped. “So, I heard your water broke up at the old house.”
“Que? What were you doing over there?” Mom asked, taking a seat at my side.
“Grandma Phoebe wanted to pay a visit.”
Mom’s eyes grew huge behind her glasses. She crossed her arms across her chest, blowing air out her nose. “Por supuesto.”
Maggie leaned in, peering into my eyes, searching. “Hi Grandma.”
“She’s no longer with me.”
“De veras?” Mom asked, sitting straighter.
