Page 5 of Delilah
When the person the camera is attached to pulls out a gun, I know exactly who this is.
I’d recognize those self-harm scars anywhere. I remember tracing over them one night before bed and my father telling me thatlovesaved him.
He puts that gun to his head, and I have to quickly pause the video as a familiar feeling of dread and horror washes over me. I put one hand to my chest as I try to catch my breath, bracing myself with my other hand on the desk.
My fingers grasp a cream-colored envelope covered in a layer of dust.
But under that dust, is a name.Myname. A single tear slides down my cheek as I lift the envelope, stiff and stained with years of neglect just like everything else in this mansion.
The envelope isn’t even sealed.
Inside is a letter written on the custom embossed parchment Dad used to let me use as coloring pages. I pull it out, and as soon as I see my father’s handwriting, my chest feels like it’s being ripped open.
Chapter 4
Caroline,
I’ve restarted this letter a dozen times and it never sounds right, so I’m just going to get straight to the point with this one.
I wrote your mother a letter once telling her that I was at peace with the idea of being alone and the idea of death. I didn’t think I was afraid of anything. I had this idea that I was untouchable…invincible.
But then I met Elena, and I realized that the reason I didn’t fear death was because I feared being alone more. I feared losing her and the love she so willingly gave me, even when I didn’t always deserve it. I still don’t think I deserve it, and yet here I am, with the two best things that ever happened to me.
You should know that in the time you spent at the orphanage, I was always considering giving you a home. I was convinced that the money would make it easy for me to give you the life you deserved, and I suppose in a way, it would have. But looking back on it now, I’m glad I met Elena first.
When I fell in love with your mother, I had no idea how much commitment it would take to build a life with her. Until she came into my life, the only way I knew how to live minewas through anger or by throwing money at my problems until they went away. But that’s not love, and I know that now.
So when we adopted you, I made you a promise that you’d always be the happiest, most loved girl in the universe.
Little did I know you’d turn that around on me and become the best four-year-old manipulator the world has ever known. I know you know what I’m talking about–because on the rare occasion that I have to tell you the word ‘no’ (usually when your mother is in the room), you always counter with, “but it would make me the happiest girl in the universe”.
There are things I won’t put in writing for your safety, but I want you to know that I will always take care of you, and I promise you’ll always have the means to make this world a better place.
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you or your mother found it digging through my belongings after I’m gone. If that’s the case: I’m so sorry for whatever I might miss, whether it’s as small as going through a car wash for the first time, or something as big as your wedding. I’ve already missed the first four years of your life. I hope I never miss anything else, but I’m nothing if not prepared.
If something happens to me, I want you to go to Jason Lockhart. That’s our attorney from when we adopted you. He’s keeping something safe for you there, and if you find yourself stumped, I want you to remember that your mother is the best thing I never deserved.
Now that my life is as close to perfect as it will ever get, I need to confess something to you. I’m not a good man Caro. I’ve done terrible things. I’ve done things to your mother, the love ofmy life, that are unforgivable, and I suspect that my sins won’t stop anytime soon.
So if they catch up to me, I offer you this:
Be better than me. Do good in this world. Be selfless and passionate and never let go of the way you choose to see the best in everyone.
The way you chose to see the good in me, even when I knew I didn’t have any.
I love you, Caroline. Forever.
Tell your mother that I’ll be waiting for her on the other side, yeah?
Love,
Dad.
Chapter 5
The tears don’t stop falling for three straight hours.
Not even because this letter broke what little was left of me, but because we had so little time together that he didn’t even get to seal the envelope.
