Page 43 of Venus
Not because I want to, but because I need to if I’m going to survive this heartbreak.
Chapter 23 | Venus
It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen Carter. Two weeks of pretending our distance was mutual, that it was chosen by the two of us and isn’t something I’m trying to hide behind.
We ended things clean, at least from my view. No dramatics, no screaming, no tears. We simply acknowledged it wasn’t working for us, even though it was for entirely different reasons.
What we had was supposed to be fun, and it was never meant to be more than that. I can’t necessarily blame him for catching feelings. If I’m being honest with myself, we really did get along and spending time together was thrilling and memorable. I suppose this was inevitable, but we still agreed not to take it too far.
I didn’t want to steal his dignity by having that kind of conversation in public, and I didn’t want him to get up and chase me. So I didn’t leave the door open for him to follow. I simply ended things.
Two weeks later, I still tell myself it was the right call. I pat myself on the back for walking away when I did.I still respect him for being honest with me even though it didn’t work out for us in the end.
I fill the days with work, picking up extra shifts when I can to keep my mind occupied. We didn’t technically break up, but it sort of feels that way when I catch myself scrolling through our old messages just to reread his bad jokes that made me laugh.
On a random Wednesday, I check my phone after missing a call from my dentist to see that he texted me hours ago and I didn’t notice.
Carter.Just his name showing up on my screen makes my stomach flip.
Carter: Hey. We’re going to be at Schooner’s tonight. I thought I’d ask if you and some of your friends wanted to come.
Carter: I miss hanging out with you. We were good at that part.
I stare at my screen and I can practically feel him staring back, waiting for my little chat bubble to signal that I’m typing a reply. I hesitate for a long time before responding.
Me: Maybe. I’ll ask them. We’ve had a busy week.
Carter: No pressure. Just let me know.
I consider for a while just waiting for an hour or two and then giving the overused excuse of being tired, and I even type it out on my keyboard, each letter chipping away at my heart.
I delete it as soon as I finish.
Me: Okay. We’ll come. See you soon.
Schooner’s is the same as it’s always been. Same people. Same sticky floors. Same Christmas lights that haven’t been taken down since 2004. Nothing’s changed. The pool balls are still cracking against each other. The bar seats are peeling up vinyl. It smells like stale beer and cheap cologne.
It makes my heart squeeze, because this was ours once. Carter and I met here. Whatever we have—or had—it all started in this very bar. Before the tension and the silence and the awkwardness, this was ground zero. It was neutral territory before I started rebuilding walls I don’t actually want to live behind, but too afraid to leave.
Callie is with me. She’s the only one who was game for it. I don’t think she came for the fun and the drinks though. I think she came for me. To watch over me. To look out for me. To stop me from making any more mistakes.
I find myself searching for him, feeling an ache in my ribs where he used to kiss me there.
I see him, in a corner all by himself. Hoodie, jeans, and boots as if he’s trying to hide himself. He looks wrecked. Not like the Carter I knew before…us.
And this is exactly what Jackson was talking about when he said I broke him, but Carter doesn’t have the strength to leave me behind.
The moment he sees me, he gives me that goddamn smile, doing a really good job at pretending he’s okay. Like seeing me fixed his world instead of ruined it. I give him an Oscar-worthy smile back and slide into the booth across from him.
“Hey,” he says, eyes crinkling in the corners.
“Hey,” I say back. Too casual. Too calm. Too normal.
“I’m uh, honestly surprised you came tonight.” He chuckles like he feels ridiculous. “Thought for sure you’d back out.”
“I thought about it,” I admit.
“What made you change your mind?”
