Page 44 of Kylo
Then once I was gone, he probably went with a less complicated girl. Apparently, women ran around the house he partially lived in topless. In front of everyone. I couldn’t compete with that kind of extroversion and ease.
“Can I ask you something?” Traeg asked as he handed me yet another coffee. I shouldn’t have taken it. My nerves were jangling. And the worst part of every month was upon me. Still, I took a long swig, hoping it might chase away the exhaustion.
“Sure.”
“I want it to be clear this is coming from a place of love and support.”
Uh-oh.
This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this speech.
“Okay.”
“Are you sure it’s just the adjustment period for your new meds that’s putting you in a funk?” he asked. “I’m just asking because I was really depressed in high school, back when I was coming to terms with coming out and not being accepted by my grandparents and one of my uncles. And this just reminds me more of my actual depression than the meds I used to curb it.”
That wasn’t an invalid concern.
My history of depression showed a cycle. First, pressure. From the pressure, came the anxiety. As the anxiety progressed, the panic started. Then as the panic seemed to be taking over my life, I started to feel hopeless. Life got bleak and small until I was completely without any motivation to even get out of bed in the morning.
I was clearly just barely holding on through the panic stage. And with the way my thoughts had been going the past few days, it did seem like depression was circling around me, threatening to close in.
That said, Ididhave to give the new meds at least a few weeks to see if they were working. The hint of depression I was feeling could potentially just be my body adjusting.
“I see what you’re seeing too,” I said. “I think I do need to give the meds some time before I jump to any conclusions, though. But I appreciate the concern. And if you see any signs that you think things are getting worse, I would also appreciate another call-out.”
Traeger nodded at that. “I know we have danced around the topic in the past.”
Right.
When I’d been a bit delirious with exhaustion after we’d had a pipe leak and had to stay up for ages trying to sop up the water, rip up the floors and pull out the walls, so we could put new ones down. And I’d casually mentioned my ‘slippy sock vacation.’
Traeger had the grace not to bring it up again when I didn’t.
“I just want to make sure it doesn’t go that far again,” he added.
“Trust me, me either. So I’m really happy that you’re calling me out.”
“Not out. In. I’m calling youin. And asking you to let me in, if that is what you need.”
“God, you are wise beyond your years,” I said, walking over to give him a quick hug. “Thanks, Traeg. It’s really good to be seen. Even if what you are seeing isn’t the prettiest right now.”
“You have never been anything but absolutely stunning,” he insisted.
“Thank you. Now, git. You have friends waiting for you.”
“I’m going. I’m going. Are you sure you don’t want help closing up?”
“Positive.”
The last thing I wanted was for him to get tangled up in the awful web I was hopelessly wrapped up in.
By my best estimate, I only had about forty-five minutes before the truck showed up. After that, the cars and SUVs would arrive. And the men who would spill out.
Even just thinking about it made the coffee I’d just sipped threaten to come back up again.
“Alright. I’m going. Don’t work too late, okay? Get extra rest while you’re adjusting.”
“That is the plan,” I agreed.
