Page 97 of Syncopation
Not the normal question he got in this situation. He risked turning his head and looking into those eyes. “Sure.” He owed Ray that, at least.
“Did someone hurt you?”
“What?” He sat up slowly, and took a better look at Ray. There was so much worry in his face, and Zavier didn’t knowwhat to make of it, because what lay there wasn’t disappointment or sadness. “No. What do you mean?”
“I mean, did someone break your heart? Use you or—” He waved his free hand. “I just want to understand.”
“No.” If anything, Zavier had been the one to break hearts and use people—not intentionally. “What exactly do you want to understand?” Because suddenly it felt like they were havingtwo different conversations.
Ray scooted himself up to sitting, and leaned back against the headboard. “I know you said, when we started fucking, not to expect romance or a long-term commitment or anything like that.”
Zavier nodded, though part of him cringed at the wordswhen we started fucking. Yes, that was what they’d been doing, but it sounded so—cold. And the part about long-terma little foolish. He’d never managed more than a few months with any given partner, unless they were people he occasionally ran into at clubs. But that wasn’t a relationship.
“Seems like we’re beyond ‘no strings’ now, especially if you’re talking about the future.”
He had been, hadn’t he? “It’s—we’re friends.” He wasn’t sure what they’d been when they’d started, other than bandmates. “Ienjoy your company. I think you like mine, so I don’t see why anything would have to change when the tour’s over.”
Ray chewed his lip. “So, this is still friends with benefits? With kink on top?” His brow remained furrowed.
“Yeah.” Was that so wrong? Why was that always so wrong?
“But you’re not in love with me. Nothing beyond a friendship.”
And there it was. Very much two statements,rather than questions. Zavier pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I’m not in love with you. I’ve never been in love withanyone, Ray. I don’t fall in love. I don’tgetlove. I—” He shook his head. “I can’t explain it. All the romance shit—doesn’t makesenseto me.”
Of all the bedmates he’d had, he’d never felt as fucking torn up as he did now. People came and went in his life.Most of the people he’d fucked were exactly that—someone to fuck. Ray, though...they’d becomefriends. Good ones. He was comfortable with Ray. Enjoyed his presence and everything about him. They were compatible inso manyways.
“I’m aromantic.” He wasn’tbroken—he knew that, even during moments like this, when he felt shattered, everything waswrong. Why was the world this way? He’d neverunderstand. “You probably don’t even know what that means.”
That strange silence again. He expected hate or anger orsomething, but when Zavier lowered his hands and watched Ray, none of those emotions were there. Concern, and that worry from before, yes. But no resentment.
Ray spoke carefully. “I know whataromanticmeans, Zav.” He nodded. “Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”
Heat andcold danced across Zavier’s skin in waves. Rayknew. He knew? He fuckingknew?
Zavier was breathless, and all his control vanished in a tumult of emotions he couldn’t channel. “Whatmakes sense?” His lungs tightened and he fought back the tears, because what damn Dominant ever cried in bed? “Fuck.”
“It’s okay.” God, Ray’s voice was even beautiful when he murmured. “Everything now. I getit—as much as I can.”
“Get what?” Zavier repeated. “Me being an emotional mess right now or me being aromantic?”
“Both,” Ray said. “Though the emotional mess is kinda freaking me out a little. That’s usually my thing.”
Zavier laughed. He couldn’t help it. Their roles had switched up a little. “Yeah, well. Call it shock. No one’s even known the word before.”
“I do, though.” Raywas so damn serious.
“How?”
He shrugged, and his embarrassment blush crept up from his chest. “We have a lot of queer fans. Get mail and tweets and stuff. Sometimes people used words I didn’t know and I realized I didn’t think that much beyond ‘gay’ and that was pretty shitty of me. So I did research and learned what I could about other identities.”
That was completely consistent withwhat Zavier knew about Ray. Everything came back to the band and everything with the band came back to the fans.
“You’re not disappointed?” If Ray knew whataromeant, he’d know that the chances Zavier would ever fall in love with him were very,verylow. Especially since he wasn’t demi or gray or...well, attracted to Ray in any romantic way. Sex, sure. Friendship? Yes, please. But hold theroses and the candlelit dinners and all that.
“Disappointed? With you? Fuck no. Last night you tied me up, beat me, then fucked me until I couldn’t think. I’ll never be disappointed with you.”
“Really?” He didn’t quite believe that.
