Page 71 of Sweet Girl
I can see the movement of a shoulder shrug, but can’t see his entire body in the phone frame. He’s too broad and the camera angle is tilting up to his face.
“I miss you.” I blurt because it’s so hard to be away from him for so long. Even though if I were in Phoenix, I’d still not be able to see him when he was on the road, but it’s just really difficult.
“I miss you too, Ky. All the damn time. The last few days, especially. I haven’t gotten to talk to you as much when we’re on the road. It sucks.”
“Can I ask you something?” It’s out of morbid curiosity that I want to know the answer to this question. I probably shouldn’t ask, but I’m dying to know.
He brings his head to his ear, his dark eyes narrow on me. “Of course. What is it?”
Now I’m on the hook and I’m scared to ask for the truth. “Was it...well, was it like this when you were with Lyndsay?” I swallow down the ball of fear that’s lodged in my throat. It shouldn’t matter what he felt when he was with her, but it makes me feel guilty for putting him in the very same predicament that he was in with her. Another long-distant relationship that creates more hardships than benefits.
Van closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, the tone of his voice a warning. “Ky...”
“Never mind. I don’t want to know. Forget I asked. It was stupid.” I wave at the screen and then cover my eyes with my hand, trying to avoid his gaze.
“I swear to you, Ky, this is nothing like what I was in before. Honestly, now that I have distance and space to look back at it, I think the reason Lyndsay and I stayed together as long as we did was because it was safe. Going away to school was scary. Dealing with changes in our lives. Stress and pressures of college and sports. And then for me, there’s Dougie and the challenges that brings my family. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that with Lyndsay it was familiar. Easy, maybe. But over the last year, we just realized that safety net was pulling us down rather than lifting us up.”
I consider what he’s saying, and wonder if that will happen to us. “I’m thinking about transferring.”
Van’s head snaps back against the headboard like a rubber band, nonplussed. “What? Why?”
My face crinkles up because I thought he’d be happy to hear that. I’ve actually put a lot of thought into it over the last few weeks. Being back at school, after spending time at home over the holidays had me reassessing the whole going away to school thing. Even though Van is a factor in my consideration of a transfer, I was homesick well before we got cozy together. A few nights ago, over pizza and Diet Cokes, Sienna and I had had a conversation and she actually pressed me to seriously consider it.
“A lot of reasons. For one, I’m homesick, Van. I’m not made to be far from my family. Although Kady is in Colorado, my mom, my dad, Cade, Gramps – they’re all in Phoenix. I don’t like being so far away. It’s been really rough on me this year. I tried to make it work, get out of my shell a little more – because I knew I needed to experience being on my own for once. But I realized it’s not for me and I don’t like it.”
My voice shakes with diffidence as I continue. “And of course, there’s you.”
The words hang out there in the ether between us. At first, I’m so nervous that he’ll think I’m a flake, and a naïve girl to consider a decision to move back because of a guy. I mean, we really haven’t talked about it, so who really knows if this thing has legs and will go the distance. But I don’t think my moving back will cause a problem. Even if we don’t stay together long-term, I still want to be in Phoenix. It’s what I know and I feel comfortable there.
He’s too quiet for a moment, his eyes focused on a spot over the top of the phone.
“Kylah. Wow. I don’t know what to say, or how I feel about this. It’s strange because part of me feels you’d be crazy to give up a bright future at Harvey Mudd, with a world-class science program that will only be an asset in your quest to become a leading female scientist someday. I’d hate for you to give up on a program like that.”
His voice trails off, and his eyes follow the same path, looking away from the phone. My heart plummets, falling to the floor like a dying star. Then I see a tiny smile form on his face, lighting me with hope.
“I don’t want you to make this heavy decision because of me. I don’t ever want you to regret doing something because you just wanted to be closer to me. I won’t let you do that. You know I’ll be graduating in May, and who knows where I’ll end up with a job next year.”
I want to crawl in a hole and die. Everything he says is a crushing blow. Like taking a wrecking ball to my heart. I can read between the lines. He’s prepping me for the inevitable. It’s obvious he isn’t treating this as a long-lasting thing. I’m just a rebound fling for him.
God, I feel so foolish. I just want to get off the phone now and sob into my pillow for being so dumb. All this time, I thought he cared for me with the same intensity and degree as I do for him. I’ve fallen hard for Van, but apparently, we’re not on the same page.
“Oh.” Is all I can muster.
Now I regret saying anything at all. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and never mentioned anything to him. I’d done all the prep work with my program administrator and counselor, as well as contacted ASU’s admissions department to find out more about their programs. I was so excited to share this news with him. The only thing I hadn’t done yet was tell my mom and dad. I didn’t want them to fret over this decision quite yet.
Van’s next comment has me blinking back tears...of joy.
“On the other hand, if I stay in Phoenix after graduation, it would be amazing to be able to see you all the time. We could get an apartment...”
My eyes flutter, finding his over the connection and the grin he wears has me beaming. My heart does an internal shimmy and happy dance, jumping around in elated leaps inside my ribs.
“An apartment, huh?” My mom and dad would freak, but that couldn’t stop me. I’d be staying in an apartment off campus, anyway.
“We’ll have to see about that, Mr. Gerard. It depends on how good of a roommate you are.” I give him a little wink, conjuring my inner minx. “If you leave the toilet seat up or towels on the floor, there’s no deal.”
He blushes a bright shade of red. Adorable.
“I’ll admit, I’m not the greatest with laundry and I like to leave my dirty socks laying around. But my mom always made me make my bed at home, so I’m kind of a stickler with that routine.”
