Page 42 of Sweet Girl
Chapter Fourteen
Van
Christmas at the Gerard household can be a crazy, chaotic time. My parents have always gone all out in celebration, inviting family and friends from their church over for big, elaborate dinners.
Tonight is no exception. My mom has the ham in the oven and I’m chopping up celery to add to the stuffing. Dougie sits at the table playing a video game, while Christmas music wafts from the Bose speakers. My brother loves holiday tunes – and although he can’t sing along with them, he bangs his hands against the table in time – his own way of toe-tapping. I glance over my shoulder at him and smile, turning back to see my mom at the stove smiling, as well.
My parents are devoted members of their church and are very big believers in practicing what they preach. I can’t recall a time when our Christmas dining table wasn’t filled with at least three or four people who had nowhere else to go. Whether they had no family in the area, were going through hard times, or were recovering addicts – it was irrelevant. My parents welcomed them with open arms.
It made me proud that they cared for people in that manner. They could have turned into very cynical and angry people after Dougie was diagnosed. It’s not been easy for them to watch their firstborn son go through the horrendously debilitating disease of cerebral palsy. Dougie is now completely confined to a wheelchair, has limited mobility with his hands, and requires round-the-clock care to ensure he’s fed, bathed, clothed and his bio needs are handled. He requires assistance for caring for himself in every way because his motor functions are so lacking – ways in which others take for granted. Where I am able, he is incapable. Life isn’t fair.
My mom’s voice reaches me over the sound of the music and Doug’s raucous noises. “How’s school going, Donavan? How’d your finals go?”
I finish chopping the rest of the stalk and throw the pieces into the pot of melted butter, wiping my hands on the dishtowel next to me.
“Good, I think. It was a pretty easy semester, honestly.” I shrug, returning to the pot on the stove to stir the contents.
“I’m glad,” she says, drawing in a deep breath. “I know you were going through a lot that last month with Lyndsay. I was worried about you.”
My parents obviously know that we broke up, but they don’t know the entirety of the situation. No one else knows Lyndsay cheated on me and is pregnant. When we broke up, she begged me not to mention it to anyone. She hadn’t decided what she was going to do or when she’d tell her parents, so I promised I’d keep it under wraps. And aside from Cade and Kylah, I haven’t told a soul.
My mom stops what she’s working on and turns to me, looking up at me with concern.
“We always liked Lyndsay, don’t get me wrong, Van. But we thought you both were too young to commit to each other so fully. I think it’s a good thing you have some choices now.”
I know the underlying message is about sex. My parents, while not naïve, do not approve of premarital sex. Lyndsay and I were always careful not to fool around at my house, and I took great pains in keeping the details of our sex life under wraps. My dad was much laxer about it, since he was the one who had to have the ‘talk’ with me when I was sixteen. He didn’t go into the actual details about sex, but discussed his expectations that I should always respect my partner. That sex should only happen when love is present and a commitment has been made. And outside of that, abstinence should be observed.
Which winds my thoughts back to the other night with Kylah.
There’s a pang of guilt for letting things go that far with her. I don’t want another relationship this soon after my break-up. For that reason alone, I had planned to avoid anything sexual and remain friends with Kylah. But when I saw how distraught she was over her mom, and how she broke down in my arms, I couldn’t help myself. Believe me, it wasn’t out of pity that I did what I did and kissed her. I’ve wanted Kylah for months. My resolve be damned.
Honestly, I was elated to finally let her know just how much I wanted her. It felt like the weight of a thousand-pound boulder was lifted off my chest when I wrapped her in my arms. Once I kissed her, there was no turning back. Screw our friendship. Fuck the fact that we’ll have to hide this thing from Cade. I wanted her so badly, I would’ve sold my soul to the devil just for one taste.
The problem now is that my thoughts are consumed with her. Wanting more of her. We didn’t have sex with penetration, but we crossed the line and there’s no turning back now. I know it’s just a matter of time before things progress further.
And there lies my conundrum.
Do I let it continue? Do we start dating in secret so her brother doesn’t find out?
Or should I squash my feelings for her and end it before it even starts? Before I do something to screw it up and she gets hurt.
I’m so confused and torn over this. What I definitely don’t want is for her to think she’s a rebound fling. If I wanted a rebound, I would have fucked a hoops hunny without a care in the world. But that’s not who I am. I care for Kylah more than anyone and just want to protect her.
Well, fuck her. Then protect her.
So that leads me back to my mom’s concerns over my well-being.
“Everything’s cool, Mom. Don’t worry about it. I’m in a good place right now.”
I’m not ready to divulge anything about Kylah, especially to my mom, who’d be curious and would start poking me with questions. She is right about one thing – I do have choices now. My path, however, seems to veer toward Kylah. This connection we share is so strong – like some sort of Jedi mind trick – with a pull like the tractor beam on the Death Star. It’s been leading me toward her since we first met. Even before I knew I liked her.
We finish getting dinner ready and I help serve our guests, as everyone around the table talks and chats amiably. I sit next to Dougie and help him with his dinner, giving my parents a break to enjoy their own meals. My heart is full, but I’m missing something. I want to share this with someone I care about. Someone like Kylah.
She’d mentioned that Christmas Eve they’d spend at their dad’s condo, but she didn’t think Cade would be joining them, so it would just be her and Kady. I guess the rift between Cade and Mr. Griffin hasn’t been fully healed yet – although I know they’ve been working on it. She mentioned that out of the three of them, Ky has remained closest to her dad after the divorce.
As I spend time with my parents tonight, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have them separated. How different and lonely it would feel not having them both in the same room – hearing their laughter and enthusiasm for the holidays as they share it with others. I’m a very lucky guy and they’ve set a find example for me to live up to.
We have great family dynamics, despite the fact that Dougie is the way he is. Regardless of the workload that goes into caring for Dougie, none of us would have it any other way. He’s a beautiful part of this family. I wish I could be more like him, because nothing ever gets Dougie down.
