Page 60 of Sweet Disaster
Chapter 20
Kady
Except for a few toiletries I’d taken out to use this morning, my bags are packed and ready to go by the door, waiting for my departure.
A numbness takes over as I slowly and silently roll out of bed. I’m careful not to disturb Gavin, who lays naked on his stomach, the sheet barely covering the swell of his perfect ass. I stand there a few moments admiring his athletically fit body. His back is a work of art. The corded, ropey muscles flexing even in his sleep as one arm is pulled up over his head haphazardly, the other down by his hip.
My eyes trail down the valley of the trim and tapered V of his waist and the curving slope of his ass. I smile to myself when I see that his butt cheeks are still a little red from where I clawed and grabbed last night in my impatience to get off.
He’d been on top of me at the time, teasing me in a way that was both infuriating and a turn on. I’d cursed him for taking his time, as he slowly entered me, inch by incredible inch.
“Goddamn you, Gavin. Stop teasing and fuck me,” I’d wailed, my nails digging into the taut flesh of his ass.
But he just smiled cockily, taking his own sweet time and toying with me every step of the way.
That’s what I like most about Gavin. He shows the world a bad boy image with his cocky swagger and tatted body. But on the inside, and when you get close to him, you find out he’s a teddy bear at the core. He gets along with everyone, has an easy-going manner and he cares deeply.
Which scares me, especially when he got close to saying those words last night.
Maybe it was all in my head. But he’d turned so serious when we were dancing together. When he brought my hand to his chest – his heart – my throat swelled tight and I could barely swallow.
I just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t open myself up to him like he wanted me to. So, I did what I do best. I diverted his attention with physical love.
And that worked for a little while, until we were curled up in bed, the warmth of his chest cocooning me inside his arms. He whispered sweet, endearing nothings in my ear, telling me how beautiful I was. How much he would miss me. How lucky he was that he answered Cade’s call a week before.
Honestly, I didn’t expect it would be this hard to leave. It feels like a crack in my chest, an open wound that pulses and throbs with raw pain. Because I’m weak and pathetic, and know I won’t be able to keep myself from falling apart, I’ve made the decision to leave before he wakes up.
I’ve convinced myself it will be best for both of us. To avoid the awkward goodbyes. Or worse, the promises he’d make to keep in touch with me. I know my heart couldn’t handle that. It’s already too exposed as it is.
In fact, at one point last night, he’d begun discussing the future. How the season would be over soon and that he’d be working with his agent to get drafted back in the states. And if he gets picked up as a free agent on a team, then we’d work out a way to see each other.
It prickled across my skin like nettles. Not because I was scared, but because I wanted to believe him. I want it to happen, even though I know it’s impossible. It’s an unrealistic and unattainable pipe dream.
The problem is, I’ve fallen for Gavin.
Somehow over the last week, his calming force has tamed the wild and free spirit within me. Gavin’s presence quieted and stilled the tumultuous waters that always break within me.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met Gavin. I’ve never needed a guy to make me happy. I’m like a kite – freely flying where ever the wind takes me. And Gavin is the kite string – securing me from flying too wild – keeping me grounded and tethered.
I don’t want to be tethered, do I?
This plan to leave unnoticed was much easier to implement in my head, though. It should be such a simple endeavor to say goodbye and walk away. But now as I stand at the edge of the bed, the crack of morning light streaming through the heavy drapes, my legs quiver and my breath is ragged.
A part of me wants nothing more than to get into bed and snuggle underneath the covers with him. To listen to his soft snores, punctuated by deep, heavy sighs, waiting until he awakes from sleep - groggy and drugged from his dreams - his body hard. To open myself for him to move over me, slaking his morning need by using my body, as he pushes deep inside me while I squirm for release.
Instead, I worry my lip and dig my nails into my palm to hold myself back. Decision made, I move to the bedside table and begin to write him a note. It’s short, to the point, and leaves no room for argument. I’m determined that once I’m gone – out of sight, out of mind – he’ll move on. He has plenty going for him and doesn’t need me to complicate things for him.
Moving toward the door, I pick up my bags and turn to look at him one more time. Everything about him in this moment is etched into my memory bank. Why is it that every man looks so damn sweet and lovable when they sleep? Gavin is no exception. Maybe it’s the vulnerability – his features soft, yet still masculine – while in slumber.
I blink back a tear and take a composed breath, opening the door as quietly as possible. And then, before I can think twice about it, I pull out my phone and turn to take a photo of Gavin in his sleeping state. I have plenty of pictures of him from our time together, but this one will remind me of what I left behind.
The first selfie Gavin and I took together was the day we went to the armory. Colorful flags waving in the air behind us, cheesy smiles across our faces. Gavin’s eyes were cross-eyed as he smiled goofily at me. My tongue is stuck out in direct opposition to his sweet playfulness.
God, that was a good day.
I’m certain if I stayed with Gavin longer, we’d have plenty more good days together. But I know myself. I would’ve found a way to ruin it eventually. I always do. My personality and Sagittarius zodiac sign dictates that I have a tendency to burn relationships at both ends. Burn ‘em and churn ‘em.
It’s for the best, I reason. I’m saving Gavin from having to experience the emotional drain and fatigue that I surely would have given him. Truthfully, sometimes I even tire myself out.
