Page 56 of Sweet Little Lies
Chapter 21
Lance
“I’m surprised to see you here. Aren’t you heading to the gym for a scrimmage or something today?”
We walk together our hands entwined around each other and I swallow down the lump in my throat. I came to tell her something that I feel guilty about, but I can’t get out of it.
I lie with ease, without a stutter or a blink of an eye. “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna workout with some of the guys and maybe play some ball. So, I probably won’t be coming over tonight. We’ll see, but it might be late.”
I glance at her from the side, gauging her expression and reaction. We were scheduled to study tonight and then, well, you get the gist. I’ve been staying at her place as much as possible recently, ever since we started getting serious.
She’s good at refraining from complaining or voicing her displeasures, unlike a lot of girls who whine about anything and everything. That’s what I love about Mica. She’s just naturally easy going. She doesn’t get jealous. She’s understanding and good-natured.
But I can tell she’s disappointed about tonight, and that’s what I feel guilty about. I’ve lied to her about the reason and where I’m going. And it makes me a douchebag.
Since we’ve been together that last three months, Mica hasn’t pressured me for more than I can give her, which makes me feel both glad and guilty as fuck. Because a girl like Mica should be swept up and claimed. She is one hundred percent girlfriend material. And I’m just a loser boyfriend who can’t commit to anything but a good fuck.
I’ve tried really hard to be what she needs me to be. I’ve doted on her, shown her PDA, taken her out, made her feel good, complimented her – because she’s hot as fuck and that’s easy to do. But I haven’t told her the truth. About anything.
About how much I love her. I would tell her if my head wasn’t so fucked up.
Lying to her makes me feel lower than shit. But what am I supposed to tell her? “Oh, hey, by the way. Instead of coming over tonight to be with you, I’m gonna go get my fix from my dealer.”
Yeah, that’s not exactly something you’d want to tell your girlfriend.
Since this summer, my life has been spinning out of control, I just can’t deal anymore.
I’m messed up in the head. Imbalanced. On shaky ground.
The only thing that makes me feel better about myself and who I am is when I’m drunk or high.
I tell myself that it’s not become a habit. I don’t use every day…well, mostly.
The problem is, I ran out of the pills I’d had stashed in my drawer. So when that happened, knowing I couldn’t get a refill from the doctor that prescribed them, I called on the one guy I knew could take care of me. I hit up Dodi. The guy from my old neighborhood. The drug dealer from my crew.
I’d only been using them to level me out a bit – especially after the incident with Mica’s nephew and the fight and run-in with my dad. And then after spending time with Carver when he was in town, instead of making me feel better about things, it sent me in a tailspin.
Compared to Carver and Cade, I’m just a loser fuck-up. They are an NBA star and a brilliant engineer. And what am I?
I’m a fifth-year senior without a plan for the future.
My dad is right. I am worthless.
And to make matters worse, Mica says all the right things to me, but has yet to formally introduce me to her family, which says to me that she believes I’m not good enough for her, either.
In fact, as far as I know, her family still thinks she’s headed down the aisle with Alberto.
Mica squeezes my hand and stops walking to look up at me. The disappointment is written all over her face, but she gives me a genuine smile.
“Okay, that’s all right, I understand. I suppose I should really spend some time over at my parents’ house. I haven’t been around them much lately and they invited me to dinner tonight.”
The perfect opening to see how she truly sees me.
“Well in that case, I’d love to come with you if I can finish up early.”
She averts her eyes and then she looks down at the ground sheepishly.
“Oh, well…it’s nothing special tonight. I was just going to pop in and say hi. There’s no need for you to come with me. You go ahead with your plans.”
