Page 75 of Sweet Little Lies
Great, now he doesn’t even want to touch me.
It seems like a lifetime ago that we sat on this couch together. That morning last summer when he came to ask me to be his Spanish tutor. The morning we made out and got hot-and-heavy because we were two magnets that couldn’t resist each other. Because our chemistry was so explosive that any time we were near each other we would detonate.
A lifetime ago.
Yet it feels like no time has passed at all. That feeling is as strong as ever. I still the intensity of it, even if he doesn’t.
When I glance up and our eyes meet, I notice a softness there. In the past, Lance had two speeds. Intense and extreme intensity. Now it seems like some sort of calm has taken its place. A peacefulness that has my heart fluttering with happiness.
“You look good,” I say to fill the silence. “You’ve gained some weight back and your color looks better.”
It’s a funny thing because I hadn’t really noticed before how thin he’d become and how his skin was pale and sallow. But now that he’s clean, he just looks healthy. Vibrant. Virile and so very hot.
He chuckles. “Funny what a healthy lifestyle can do for a guy. Thanks, though.”
Lance tips his head and stares down at the cushion between us, but when he returns his gaze to mine, I see the determination there.
“Mica,” he begins, his voice shaky. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what I’ve done to you and what I put you through.”
Reaching out my hand, I entwine my fingers between his but remain silent. I know he has to get through this before I can jump in.
He sighs heavily. “Fuck, this is harder than I thought. Had you not called me that night, I could’ve died.”
He stands abruptly but doesn’t move. He lets that hang in the air, a bomb that’s been dropped but not detonated.
“Okay, so here goes nothing,” he turns back to me. “I’ve lived with the knowledge that I killed my brother when I was twelve.”
This startles me and I jolt back against the couch as if I’ve been shocked by a live wire.
“What?” I ask incredulously because surely, he’s making this up.
“The thing is, I blamed myself for his death all this time. And I know my dad did, too. It was an accident, what happened to Landon, but I was responsible. He ran out after a ball I threw over his head and was hit by a truck and killed instantly. I watched it happen with my own two eyes and as you can imagine, it molded me into who I am today.
“For years, that bitterness grew between my parents, they both drank heavily. They were alcoholics. My mom, she loved me, but her grief sent her to her own death. My dad just allowed the hatred to confiscate any love that he once had for me. And well, I turned to booze and pills to make myself feel better. To numb all that self-hatred I had.”
If my heart hadn’t already been broken over Lance, it was now broken and bleeding for him.
Tears sprout in the corners of my eyes, but I remain quiet. Listening to him speak. His eyes glisten with unshed tears, as well. I knew this had to be difficult for him, but I didn’t realize how devastating.
“Mica, I’ve hated myself for years and hid it from everyone. When I met you, I started to feel differently about life. For a while, everything was perfect.Youare perfect. But then something inside me went haywire. Maybe it was after the lake incident. It drudged up old feelings of inadequacy and failure. I may have helped save Alvaro, but I couldn’t save my own brother. And then after the fight with my dad, well, he cut me off. And this thing with you – our relationship - you were – are still – too good for me. I couldn’t believe that someone so perfect like you could love someone like me. You’re an angel and I’m this monster. Deep in my heart, I knew that given time, I would ruin it. I would hurt you with my lies and my self-destructive behavior.”
I hold my hands out and wrap both around his just so I can feel him and comfort him with my touch.
“Ironically, I ended up screwing everything up and hurting you anyway. That’s the only path for an addict. We can’t keep juggling things while using. Eventually, all those balls we have in the air will drop and we hit rock bottom. Or worse, die.”
Standing up in front of him, I move my hands to his face and cup his clean-shaven jaw.
“Don’t ever feel ashamed about what happened. It happened for a reason and you’re alive for a reason. You’ve been given a second chance and for that I’m so eternally grateful.”
My hands drop to my sides, but he takes them into his.
“I can’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope you will. Mica, my life going forward is never going to be easy. Once an addict, always addict. Every single day for the rest of my life I will have to fight to keep on the straight and narrow. To keep those negative feelings of inadequacy at bay and to fight the urge to use again.
“I didn’t want to see you while in rehab or even after because I wanted to give you time. Time to see that you could have something so much more than I can offer you. I understand if you don’t want me in your life after all this, even as a friend. But I’m hopeful, given time, things between us will eventually…”
I bite down on my lip and will myself to stay in place because every part of me wants to kiss him everywhere. I’m practically shaking with need and restraint.
“Lance, when I said I loved you, I meant it. That’s not something that can just disappear. Yes, I’ll admit, I was so hurt when you left me like you did and when you didn’t want to see me in the hospital. But I was hurtingforyou, not because of you. I just want to be in your life in whatever capacity you’ll have me. No matter how hard or difficult things get, I want to be the one there for you. Always.”
