Page 79 of Character Flaws
Chapter Thirty
Theo
Dealing with exes and sex-crazed co-directors
The technical crew has conducted all their lighting and sound tests, and the set designers have completed all the sets. Today is the day we began our cue-to-cue rehearsals, which is tedious and exhausting, but necessary to ensure that all the tech staff get the lighting cues marked for each actor and scene.
I’m just trying to get through today’s rehearsals before the final dress rehearsal scheduled tomorrow. The nerves and stress are finally breaking through, tensions between the cast, crew and technical staff are definitely coming to the surface.
Although most everyone in this production is a novice, in my experience, professional actors tend to show their true colors during this aspect of the production. Some turn into bitched-out divas and become difficult to work with when they get nervous.
While the cast seem to be holding things together, the crew is at each other’s throats, their voices and words terse and strained.
Dealing with that is to be expected. What I wasn’t planning was the awkwardness that exists between me and Joey.
That shit’s worse than being caught jerking off in the laundry room by my mother when I was fourteen looking at my first porn mag. Uncomfortable doesn’t even cut it.
Especially the kissing scene.
We’ve been through the scene five times during the Q2Q rehearsals, and she’s stiff as a board. All I want to do is bring her into my dressing room, lock the door and show her exactly how sorry I am.
Kiss her senseless until her knees buckle and she falls limp into my arms, as I spew my undying love and ask for her forgiveness.
Instead, she won’t even make eye contact and just responds with a “uh-huh” or “got it” when I give her feedback and direction.
And goddammit, it’s all my fault.
This is exactly why I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her prior to the end of the performances. But I couldn’t resist her.
Sadly, even though this creates some trouble, I don’t even regret getting involved with her and wouldn’t change a thing if I could.
Scratch that.
I would change how I reacted this past weekend.
And I would’ve apologized sooner for my stupid behavior. But the more time goes by and the weight of the stress related to the play on my shoulders, I haven’t had the time or the opportunity to do what I need to do.
It’s just a poor fucking excuse for my cowardly fear.
I’m afraid she’ll reject me.
As a struggling actor and playwright, I’m used to my fair amount of rejection. It’s part of the job and comes with the territory. You put yourself out and your work is bound to receive negative reviews.
In love, you put yourself out there in hopes that your affections will be returned and your heart won’t be broken.
But it was when I was with Alyssa and now I’m protective of my heart. Worried that I’ll meet the same fate and get involved with someone who can easily toss me aside.
Actually, now that I look back on it, I don’t think it was even love to begin with. It was intense. We were either hot or cold. It wasn’t the even steady comfort that I feel with Joey. That easiness of being with her made me feel whole.
And I miss it.
I miss her.
Even though she’s right in front of me on stage, it seems like she’s a hundred miles away. Unless the line requires it, she won’t look me in the eye. There’s no furtive glances or shy smiles like there was over the last few weeks. No secret touches or brushes of her hand as she would walk by in the hallway.
It’s driving me insane. But I can’t do anything about it right now without alerting the media.
And oh fuck, the critics. Niles has already sent out the press release and we have theTribuneand three other local entertainment critics coming to opening night.
