Page 84 of Character Flaws
“I just know you’re going to be huge,” she exclaims.
And then I know exactly what she’s looking for from me. She thinks if this play becomes a hit, and I become a celebrity playwright, she can hang on to the back of my coattails. She can become my arm candy and become famous by proxy.
Not a fucking chance in hell.
“Thanks Alyssa. I appreciate it. But I’d like you to leave. I didn’t invite you back here and I need to get in character. I also have no intentions of celebrating with you. Not tonight or any night. Why would you even think that?”
I give her a look of disdain as she’s staring at me incredulously. As if she has no idea what I’m referring to.
“But Theo,” she pouts, her hip pushed out to the side and her big false lashes batting at me. “I want to be with you. I realized you’re it for me and we should get back together. You can come back to live with me. I’ve missed you.”
The bile is making its way up my esophagus like a geyser ready to go. I focus my attention on my breathing, taking slow inhales and exhales with my eyes closed. Opening them again, I stand up and walk toward her, backing against the door.
Her expression brightens as if she thinks I’ve succumbed to her scheming and I plan on falling to my knees at her feet in thanks.
Fuck her.
I reach around her waist, dodging her breasts that she pushes into my chest, and I open the door. She’s forced to move out of the way as I swing it open.
Standing there with one hand on the door handle and the other pointing out to the hallway, I say,
“Get the fuck out now. Don’t ever come back. There’s no chance in hell I want to live with you again. But I will give you credit and I didn’t ever recognize it before. I have to say, you’re actually a really great actress. Because you fooled me all this time with your conniving, self-serving ways. In fact, I’d suggest you take some acting classes and then go to Hollywood. They love you plastic, Barbie types. Now, go. Goodbye.”
It’s obvious I’ve stunned her. She looks like one of those cartoon characters that got bashed on the head with an anvil, the stars and birdies swirling around her head in dizzied chaos.
Yet she doesn’t move an inch, so I’m forced to gently push her out. Her feet shuffle until she’s just outside in the hallway. I give her one last smile, waggling my fingers like she did earlier at me and I slam the door.
“Bye-bye, Al. Don’t come back now, ya hear?”
My relief is instantaneous. I’ve literally closed the door on my past and it feels incredible. A weight lifted off my shoulders. But it hits me at the absurdity of my situation.
When in my life have I ever had three women – at the same time – wanting to be with me?
Joey, Birdie and Alyssa.
Well, maybe two at the moment. And one I need to remind of how good we can be together.
I puff up my chest and stand in front of the mirror, giving my best impersonation of my character, Chester.
“Stand back, ladies…I just grew a giant pair of balls. Looks good on me, doesn’t it?”
Now let’s just hope I can keep those cojones in place for what I have planned tonight.
