Page 21 of Reckless Abandon
I had my doubts at first. I yearned to be home and with my friends but instead was homesick for the first few weeks. Although my last encounter with Sage was a breaking point for us, I still missed him terribly and I knew I’d been the worst friend in the history of best friends.
During my time in the USAF, I’d made mistakes that I’ll take to my grave – ones that had life and death consequences. College would have been easier, less complicated and led me into a completely different life, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Nor would I trade my other proud accomplishment. While the reason for his birth is somewhat of a mess, there is nothing I would change about bringing my son into the world. Taylor is the best thing that ever happened to me and the light of my life. He came into the world at a time where I had let love go and didn’t want it again. Another reason I chose to stay with Lisa. It was safe to be with her because I didn’t love her, nor did she love me.
But having a child and holding a newborn in the crook of your arms for the first time does something to a man. His cherub face, pouty lips, and the sweet coos that he emitted while asleep reached into my ragged and torn heart and rebuilt me. Restored my faith in mankind and love.
And through the years, it helped me to come to terms with the love I had buried deep inside me for both Sage and London. It helped me recognize some things about myself that I’d never allowed myself to think before then.
But there is still that low point in my life that will forever fill me with regret. And I need Sage to know how sorry I am for the way I treated him and the things I said before I left.
I ponder all of this as Sage and I sit outside on the huge patio overlooking his property and the huge infinity pool he has in the backyard. I’d returned to the bedroom after speaking with Sage in the hallway to find London awake and getting ready to go out to the stables. Sage had bought her a quarter-horse a few years back and she wanted to go for a ride this morning before breakfast.
Sipping the cup of strong, Italian coffee that one of his house staff poured for me, I stare off over the lush green valley of his property, toward the horse barn out in the back acreage where London went off to ride. Blows my fucking mind that he has the kind of dough now, considering his poor upbringing. Knowing where Sage came from and where he was raised, I never in a million years expected his life to turn out this way. A bigtime recording star and celebrity with a million-dollar estate. It’s insane and so incongruent with who he was the last time I saw him.
“You’re sure living the good life and have it made here, man.”
Sarcasm drips from Sage’s tone. “For a fuck-up, ex-con you mean? Or for a kid who once had nothing and now seems to have it all?”
Shaking my head, I take another sip from the hot mug and remain silent. He’s been raring for a fight since last night and I’m not about to give him cause to kick me out. Not yet, anyway. I came here at London’s request to get Sage some help. And hopefully make amends. I’m not about to fuck it up by losing my patience and falling for his bitter attacks.
I try the lighter approach. “Nah, for a guy who sucks at guitar playing.”
Sage knows I’m joking because his lips quirk up at the corners in a smile and he flips me the middle finger.
“Hardee-har-har. You’re so funny for a dumb ex-jock.”
The air turns a little lighter with the humor injected in and we watch London off in the distance riding around in the penned corral. I want so badly to bring up the topic that still mars the space between us, but I’m not sure where to begin.
From the looks of it, Sage hasn’t lost any sleep over it.
I steer the topic to something less brittle for the moment, hoping to save face and ease into our conversation and the apology I need to make at some point.
Over the years, once I realized and hashed out my feelings toward Sage, I’d rehearsed over and over again what I would say to him when the time came. When I got up the courage to tell him that I’d screwed up all those years ago and never meant to hurt him.
But there was always something preventing our reunion from happening. I’d be back stateside for only brief moments while I was enlisted and only had time to visit my parents. And then when my enlistment period in the Air Force was over, I moved to Georgia for a while with Lisa and then decided to go to the smokejumper academy for forest firefighting. I was stationed in several locations until I returned to the Smoky Mountain area.
This career decision was a huge source of contention for me and Lisa and was really the last straw in our marriage. It really didn’t matter what caused it, because the relationship was bound to end sooner rather than later. The only thing that mattered now was making sure Taylor was loved and cared for and we could figure out the co-parenting shit.
And figuring out a way to repair and salvage the relationship that I once had with Sage.
“You’ve stayed close to London,” I hedge, checking out his reaction with a side glance over the rim of my coffee cup. “I’m glad you two could remain together.”
Sage makes a loud scoffing noise. “You’re such a liar, Cam. Get real. You’re fucking jealous that we’ve had a thing all this time and it’s had nothing to do with you. And I bet you’re dying to know whether I fucked her with another guy who wasn’t you.”
I inhale through my nose, counting to ten like I learned so many years ago in my special ops training when working underwater. It helps you to remain calm and in control of your anxiety and fear. Or in this case, my anger.
He’s just trying to get under your skin.
I lift the corner of my mouth in a smirk, rolling my eyes.
“You’re so wrong it’s not even funny. I’m not jealous, Sage. I’m relieved.”
My comment seems to throw Sage, whose mouth gapes open wide in surprise. His face scrunches and tightens in disbelief.
Quirking my eyebrows, I turn in my seat to face him.
“I’m serious, man. I walked away and left her hanging. I was an asshole of epic proportions. And I’m glad that once you got out, she had someone who was there for her. To take care of her and be there for her through everything.”
