Page 25 of Off the Stick
“I’m fine, sweet pea.The water was just cold on my foot.”I lean down and dab at the droplets with the orange duck-hooded towel, replacing it on the hook on the wall when I’m done.“Ten more minutes, my little duckie.”
She giggles at this.“Mama, I’m a baby seal tonight.”
“Oops, that’s right.I forgot.You do look like a little sea lion.”I give her wet nose a bop with my fingertip, and she giggles some more.“Do you remember what the sign we read today said about sea lions?”
Lenni’s forehead wrinkles and furrows in concentration.We’d stopped at every sign along the path, and I’d read aloud each one, educating us both on the various lives of marine life in the bay.
She holds up the rubber seal toward me, wiggling it in her now pruning fingers.“They aren’t fish, but I don’t ‘member what they are.”Her lips form into a pout.
“That’s right.They aren’t fish.They’re called mammals.They’re warm-blooded, just like you and me.Fish are cold-blooded.And, because they’re mammals, they don’t lay eggs like fish do.They have babies.”
She grins, showing off a dimpled chin that immediately conjures Dane’s image in my mind and has me itching to read the other texts that came in.
Instead, I focus on Lenni.My priority.
“Just like you had me at thehospital?”she asks.
I nod.Most of the information I share may be too much for a four-year-old, but anytime I have the chance to provide her with educational lessons, I do.The more I can expose her to tidbits about life, the smarter she’ll become.Which is why I read to her every night, and we watch YouTube videos and get Google to answer when she asks questions that I can’t.
It’s sometimes daunting the sheer number of questions that float around that tiny head of hers.I often wonder what parents did before the internet came along.Did they have to carry around an encyclopedia everywhere they went to feed their child’s hungry brain?
And I can never get away with admitting I don’t have the answer.Lenni will simply push until she’s satisfied she understands.When I try saying, “I’m not sure, baby.I don’t know,” her immediate retort is, “Yes you do, Mama.”
She thinks I’m a quiz-show contestant with all the answers.
Don’t I wish.
The scariest question that she’s yet to ask—though I know it’s coming at some point—is, “Why don’t I have a daddy?”
As if right on cue, my phone pings again.
I swallow down the hard lump in my throat and shift my body away from Lenni, my knees bumping into the cabinet door of the vanity.I let out a grumbled curse under my breath and pick up the phone, using my body to covertly read the messages.
It’s ridiculous that I’m hiding the screen, considering she can’t read yet.But the secrecy involved with who it’s from instinctively has my body shielding to protect my daughter from the implications of the texts.
Taking a deep breath and allowing the sweet song about sunshine that Lenni sings calm my nerves, I look down at the phone and read through the three back-to-back texts Dane just sent me.
Hockey Boy: If this is still you…
Hockey Boy: I need to talk to you about something important.
Hockey Boy: And I need you to be honest with me.
It appears there’s a fourth coming, but right now it’s just ellipses on my screen.I try to look away—hoping to avoid what is surely coming.The question that has been left unanswered for over five years now.
The answer to which I never thought I’d have to explain.
My palms sweat, my breathing accelerates, and my eyes prickle with unshed tears that are likely to pour out.
This is the moment of truth.The moment I’ve been dreading and avoiding yet also quietly waiting for all these years.
The issue remains that I still don’t know if I want Lennon to find out who her father is.
It’s not that I don’t think she deserves the truth.It’s that I’m not certain if Dane deserves her, which sounds so cruel to say.
Dane has never been a bad guy.
In fact, he was always incredibly sweet to me.He was extremely considerate during my first time.He was patient and thoughtful.He wooed me with his charm and charisma.Dane probably would’ve made a good boyfriend.
