Page 1 of Off the Stick
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Ax
“It’s an undeniable fact that women love hockey butts.”
The entire locker room erupts in loads of uproarious laughter at the comment made by Cale Costa, our team’s captain.It’s in response to yet another ridiculous and off-the-wall question asked by Tanner Rossco, one of our defense men.Rossy, as he’s nicknamed, is notorious for bringing up the oddest topics post-practice and -game, when we’re all sweaty and gross and in need of showers.
Last week we had an assortment of oddities, including why do fish taste “fishy” and why are there funny terms for hockey hair and mustaches but not beards.He has a point—I’ve spent way too much time trying to think of another word for beard.Can’t do it.
But tonight’s question to the boys is why women watch hockey, and that one’s resulted in a host of responses, including one from Wyatt Pedergast, who happens to be our only openly gay player on the team.
He stands up from the bench, turns around, and twerks his towel-covered ass.“I’d also like to point out that some men appreciate ‘em too.”
This produces a few more hoots from the guys as they chime in to indicate their agreement on the topic.Someone bellows, “It’s not as good as mine, Pedey!”
Now, as a naked Duncan Brewer walks in from the showers with a towel draped over his shoulder, he shakes his head—and his dick—and offers up another response in this absurd conversation.“Nah, bruh.We all know why women love hockey players.”He stops smack dab in the middle of the room and cups his junk in his hand.“It’s obviously because of the way we handle our sticks.”
A few dirty towels are thrown at Brewsky, and he ducks out of the way with a deep cackle of a laugh.
I smirk at my fellow forward.“Can they even find yours?”He grabs at his crotch again with a grin and flips me off.
“Guys…it’s not why they loveplayers,” Rossy bellows in a frustrated tone.“It’s why they lovewatchinghockey.”
“Same difference,” our backup goalie, Deiter Volmer, offers.“They like to watchus.”
Bending over to remove my shin guards, I toss them into a pile on the floor as I listen to the boys add more ideas to the mix.Each one increases Rossy’s frustration and gets him even more riled up than he was.
I finally join in with my two cents, only because I like to push Rossy’s buttons and he’s always a good sport about it, dishing it back with his unique retorts and chirps.“Come on, eh?We all know the ladies come to see the fights and sick action on the ice that account for our sexy toothless smiles.”
To prove my point, I lift my chin and demonstrate the power of this boyishly charming grin that has had more than a few women swooning.Raising my finger, I tap my front tooth—the fake one that replaced the cracked one.I got that injury when I took a puck to my mouth from an off-the-stick shot during playoffs last season.It’s one of the hazards of playing pro hockey.Thank God for health insurance and great dental plans.
“No, no, no,” Rossy objects, wagging both hands like a ref to signal his disagreement.“I just read an article inSports News Todaythat mentioned a survey where hockey was listed as the top sport women love to watch.It’s because of all the social media attention and this thing called BookTok or something.”
He rolls back his shoulders, looking overly proud of himself for this next fact.“Sexy hockey romance books are all the rage and have caused an insurgence in female viewership.”
Raising my eyebrows, I peer up from unlacing my skates and shake my head at his word choice error, then go back to my task.
“Rossy, I’m never sure exactly what the fuck you’re talking about because you’re an idiot, but I’m fairly certain you meanresurgence, notinsurgence,” quips our Harvard-graduated six-foot-six center, Oli “Thorny” Thornquist, in that soft-spoken manner of his.“Two very different meanings.”
The guys all light up in laughter—even though half of them probably didn’t even catch the error.
But Rossy doesn’t seem to care that he was just called out in front of his team.He just shrugs it off and gives the double bird to Thorny.“Whatever, bruh.Youknow what I meant.”
The locker room fills withnot really, dude,not a clue, andyou’re an idiot, bruh.
Being one of our D-men, Rossy has moved up the ranks and assumed the line position Ballas Keeney vacated when he recently moved into the role of team GM.There is no denying that Rossy is a fucking great player, but no one has ever accused him of being the brightest bulb in the box.
“The bigger and more pressing question here,” Costa adds as he slathers on some aftershave, “is, who knew you could even read, Rossy?Thatis news.”
Rossy scoffs and throws a towel at Costa’s head but misses, the material falling on the ground in front of Cale’s skates.Nils Lungren walks by, carrying his freshly sharpened skates, and bends over to pick it up, throwing it back to Rossy, who snatches it in his hand.
“Dude, I’m not as dumb as I look.”The statement hangs in the air for a second and then the entire locker room explodes in more laughter.Rossy shakes his head sputtering out in laughter himself.“Wait…wait.I meantyou.I’m not as dumb as YOU look.”
But the damage was already done, and there’s no coming back from that one.Rossy can be relied on for two things on the team: one, he’s one of the best shot blockers and brings a physicality that’s unmatched in the league.Second, he’s the team’s goofball and funny man—a natural class clown borne out of his wacky comments.
Case in point: today’s conversation.
All in all, this group of guys, including Rossy and our rookies, have meshed together well throughout preseason workouts and practices.We have a talented line-up with a great mixture of new and old guards.I’m probably considered one of the old guard now that I’ve played in the NHL for nearly five years, two of them as the Vikings’ starting right winger.
