Page 40 of The Holidays with Dr. Mitchell
“I didn’t realize I had anger issues until I spent two nights shitting in a hole thatI personallydug for myself in the banana tree forest, then ate fucking grass and braided?—”
I stopped when I heard Jim’s explosive laughter and waited impatiently for him to catch his breath.
“Oh, fuck, man,” he said. “I swear to Christ, I thought you and Collin would get out of there after the first night. I’m still shocked we got you guys all the way to the end,” he laughed again, and I narrowed my eyes.
I was done being upset about this. My wife and I had seriously had the best sex of our marriage because of this whole thing, although I would never tell Jim that. Maybe detoxing years of shit in my guts made way for killer orgasms, and I wasn’t mad about that anymore. However, Jim’s smug laughter only urged me to think of how I would get him back. Collin and I hadn’t had time to discuss our revenge, but it was sure to be epic after what we’d been through.
In the meantime, I figured it was prudent to keep quiet and pretend it was all water under the bridge; that way, payback wouldn’t be expected. So, fine. Jim had some spectacularChristmas trip planned for all of us to spend together, and I know my brother when it came to things like this. He sparedno expense. He would probably fly Santa himself in from the North Pole if it meant the kids would have an unforgettable Christmas. My brother had always been one happy little fucking elf during this holiday, and so I knew he went all out.
“Are you still there?” Jim questioned my silence.
“I am, and you know what? You’re right. Collin and I had all that shit coming. We’ve done all of you dirtier than you did to us,” I lied.
“That’s what I hoped you’d conclude,” Jim answered.
I rolled my eyes.
“I know, and I’m sure you also want me to admit that your stupid bullshit was worse than our pranks on you idiots?”
“Well, yes, but that is unnecessary,” he said.
I glanced over to Ash, still sleeping soundly, her auburn curls neatly spread over my pillow where I was once lying fully relaxed in an after-sex, drunken stupor. We had to get our asses up and to Jim’s jet if we wanted to see the kids, whom I missed terribly. Bullshitting with Jim and getting into these ridiculous pissing matches was doing us no favors in the time department.
“Listen, we’ll tally the score later. I need to wake Ash. We’ll meet you guys in the lobby of this place,” I answered.
“All right. And, hey, the Hawk Brothers said that you and Ash are free to come again to visit their five-star retreat here anytime you wish,” he said, taking another dig at me.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I answered. “See you guys in about thirty minutes.”
“Hey, Jake?” Jim said.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let Ash in on the whole trip just yet. This part is Avery’s gift to everyone, and she wants the ladies to be surprised.”
“How adorable,” I mocked.
“It is, and when you see the train I rented and had decorated to look like the North Pole Express, you’ll agree when I say it was worth every penny,” he laughed.
“How much money did you pay to rent and decorate a fucking train?”
“Let’s just say your brother isn’t a successful businessman because I’m a fool,” he answered, “because after we’re done enjoying the damn thing, I convinced the company to give me a percentage of what they charge others to ride on it for the holidays.”
“You went into the train rental business, eh?” I asked, confused.
“Don’t work yourself up trying to figure it out,” Jim laughed. “Just meet us in thirty minutes in thewelcome center. That’s what it’s called, by the way. The welcome center, not the lobby.”
“Thanks for correcting me on that,” I said. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been here all week. I’ve been shitting in the woods.”
That was enough of Jim for now. If we were all flying to Switzerland for the holidays, I would have enough time to talk with him on the way to our destination. I needed to wake my wife and get ready to enjoy her excitement, knowing that she was about to embark on a wonderful Christmas surprise that her best friend had planned.
CHAPTER 22
Jake
When we boarded the train that would bring us to our destination, I couldn’t help but laugh at all the shit that had gone down up to this point. We’d officially gone from some whack-as-fuck meditation retreat planned by my brother and his buddies to riding on some remarkably decorated Santa Train and headed to St. Moritz in Switzerland.
This train was a sight to behold with all its elaborate Christmas décor. Red velvet seating was encased by ornately carved, rich mahogany wood with brushed gold accents in every nook, and freshly cut evergreens were fashioned into thick, fragrant garland. It felt like the train had ridden the rails straight out of the North Pole and brought its whimsical magic through Switzerland and the Swiss Alps. The ambiance was ideal, keeping everyone filled with holiday cheer and saving my brother’s ass from my inevitable retaliation. He was lucky I was in such a festive mood.
