Page 24 of The Holidays with Dr. Mitchell
Unsurprisingly, Gustoff seemed to be losing his patience with the two men. Laney and I could only cover our mouths to hide our smiles at what Spencer, Jim, Sebastian, and Alex had arranged. Sure, they had sent us on a love retreat, but for Jake and Collin, it was like trying to get two hyper kindergartners to meditate. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jim had cameras everywhere to watch the guys’ meltdown in real time.
Honestly, I was a total yogi who tried to meditate every day, but even this seemed like it might be an extreme version of what I thought was normal. And what I thought was normal was equivalent to being a full-blown hippie to everyone else I knew, so I couldn’t imagine how this was going to go for the guys.
“It’s easy to see you are not fully aware of how our intimacy sessions work here,” Gustoff said.
“All I saw was the hut I would be staying in with my wife,” Jake said.
“We refer to those as our overwater bungalows,” Gustoff corrected Jake. “Your wives will be staying there while going through their meditations and personal masturbations.”
“Excuseme, what?” Collin said. “What is happening?”
“I truly hope we can achieve ego death with you both,” Gustoff said, eyeing them skeptically. “If not, you will not rejoin your wives in your designated bungalows.”
“Understood,” Jake grimly answered. “How long,sir,does it take for, let’s say,” he pointed at a man in a business suit, staring at him with irritation, “anormalguy like him, who doesn’t curse or even speak up, to achieve ego death?”
“Five to seven days,” Gustoff answered, prompting Jake and Collin to shut their mouths and follow Gustoff’s lead. “For you and your friend, I’m concerned. It’s not impossible, but much detoxification must be done.”
“Jesus God. They’re turning us into monks for a fucking week? Iwillmurder my brother when we get home,” Jake said to Collin.
“You have much to heal, young man. You speak of murder and frame it as a joke, mocking spiritual people. You have no shame.”
Jake’s jaw clenched tightly, and it took all my strength not to burst out laughing. I felt Jake’s pain because this seemed ridiculous, especially for a nonbeliever who thought he had nothing to gain. I knew those boys well enough to know it was taking every thread of energy they possessed not to unleash on Gustoff.
“I gotta be honest here, Gus,” Jake said. “I’m just a little pissed the fuck off at this very moment. I thought this was a sex retreat, not a goddamnsituationwhere I’m being judged for saying things my drug-addict mother taught me.”
“That is interesting. We will discuss the culprit for your anger issues in one of your therapy sessions tomorrow,” Gustoff said. “Ladies, join Hammond, would you please? Gentlemen, follow me.”
That’s all that was said before Jake and Collin were led away with the other men. Jake didn’t even look back at me to say goodbye, which was a relief because I wouldn’t have been able to hold in my laughter if he had.
“I can’t even imagine the shit Jake and Collin will give that group,” Laney said with a laugh.
“You know I’m all about this stuff, but I think we’re at extreme levels here,” I whispered.
“No shit. That’s why I wish I could be a fly on the wall with whatever the men will be going through.”
“I have a feeling Jim had to have set this all up to be like this?”
“I wouldn’t doubt it,” Laney said. “I imagine everyone who had a hand in sending us here helped create this environment.”
“Well, hopefully, we’ll smash through this ego death thing quick and be lounging in our bungalows when the men return, detoxed and refreshed.”
“Knowing Jake and Collin, they’ll probably just sneak over to us at night for a quickie without getting caught,” Laney said a little too loudly.
“The men are being shuttled further inland. They will be miles away from the bungalows,” Hammond said in a soft and soothing voice. “There is no way they will be able to escape the destination where they are being taken.”
I laughed out loud. “My husband will find a way, especially since you just used the wordescape,” I said in complete disbelief at where we’d all ended up. “We shall see.”
“That we shall,” Hammond said with a smile. “Now, allow me to bring all of you into our first session room, where we have raw vegetables and fish to eat to begin your detoxification process.”
If this didn’t bring Jake and me closer together intimacy-wise, it would surely expedite the divorce process.
CHAPTER 13
Jake
Collin and I had no other option at this point but to shut our fucking mouths. I had no idea what to think, say, or do anyway, so watching the ocean—which we flew twenty fucking hours to get to—disappear in the distance was about all I could do.
I would’ve loved to call my brother or one of the bastards who were behind this and lay waste to their asses; unfortunately, part of this fuckery was to confiscate our cell phones before we loaded up in this caravan of pathetic husbands who spent way too much money to find the spark in their marriages again.
