Page 24 of Breakaway Heart
“And that’s who? Randy Jackson, the hockey player?”
“Nope, that’s not Randy. When I’m playing hockey, I’m at peace. When I step out on the ice, in my head I think of myself as The King. And The King is invincible, Lucy. He’s the best. All he cares about is the game. Everything else disappears.
He flashed a look at me, “The only other time I feel like that guy is in the bedroom.”
I felt my cheeks redden just at the idea.
“So who’s the real you then, Randy?”
“The real Randy is the one who gets hives when he has to meet people, who can’t look a girl in the eye, who stutters and folds under the slightest bit of pressure. Who feels sorry for himself and heartbroken all the time when he thinks of his mom and what he put her through. I can’t be him, or I don’t think I could make it.
Seeing him this open and vulnerable was probably a shock to us both. His goofy expression now had color and emotion. It was real,hewas real, and it wasn’t what I’d expected.
“So the Randy we all see isn’t you. The way you talk, the things you do. You’re doing what’s expected of you, playing up to what they all think you are.
“I suppose so, yeah.”
“I know you have a heart in there, you’ve just hidden it away where no one can get at it. It’s like there’s this asshole stood in the way, so no one can really get a good look at you. But Randy, I want to see you.”
He looked back at me, unsure.
“Seriously, Lucy, I don’t know how people do it. How do you make yourself that… That fucking vulnerable!? Without it all coming crashing down. The way I grew up, you show any inch of weakness and they come for you.”
“I get it. But you’re not that scared little boy anymore. You can say what you feel. It’s one thing putting on a show, but you have to be a real person when you’re not pretending to be all this.”
“Half the time I don’t know what I feel.” He took a long, sad breath and looked at me in earnest. “I mean, right now? Hungry. Horny. Maybe it’s love?”
“Hah! Randy, I don’t think you even know what that means.”
This strange jerk of a man. He was suddenly right there.Not a cartoonish caricature of a person, but an actual person. With emotions that bubbled and rippled with the pain of existence.
“You know,” he smiled. “This is odd for me. To have a normal conversation with someone. To beme. You have no idea how long it’s been since I didn’t have to put on this face. And you don’t pretend either, you just call me out on all the bullshit.”
“Oh yeah, I’m a real cold bitch,” I joked back.
“Sometimes all I really want is a hug and to hear it’s okay.”
“That’s what we all want, Randy. Someone we can show every doubt, every flaw, every mistake, knowing they won’t try and use it to destroy us. But that takes trust. And trusting you… Well, you’re not safe.”
“But you are.”
“I’m not your savior, Randy.”
“Why not?”
“Because… Because you’re, well,you.”
“Got it. An unloveable jackass that you’d probably fuck, but not love.”
I tried to ignore the fucking part. Could he possibly know about those thoughts I’d had about him?
“Well, look. You don’t get to just say the words and it’s all done. You have to show what those words really mean. Especially you. You’ve got money, fame, girls desperate to be close to you. How can you trust someone like that? The moment it gets hard…”
He snickered, and I rolled my eyes.
“…The moment it gets hard, you can just move on to the next thing that entertains you.”
He shook his head, “You’re wrong. I know hard. I never backed down.”
