Page 111 of New Growth
Guilt was a funny thing. It didn’t matter how many times I told myself it wasn’t really my fault, how many times I reminded myself that I had done my best—there was always a voice in the back of my head whispering:But what if you had tried harder? What if you had just done more?
It didn’t matter that I’d been working overtime, stretching myself thin to make sure the bills got paid. That I’d laid out his meds every night, tried to coax him into eating healthier, and begged him to take care of himself.
It didn’t matter that I had done everything I could. Because, in the end, none of it had been enough.
And Ryan knew that. She knew where to stab the knife.
“And where was all this concern when he was alive, Ryan?” My voice was tight.
“Stop this,” Ma warned again.
I ignored her. “Where was all this care when he invited you over for barbecues, movie nights, or even just to catch up? You remember those calls, right? I was there when he made them.”
“I said that’s enough, Ellie,” Ma snapped.
Ryan sighed. “I was busy with school.”
Something in my chest cracked. “Busy, huh. That’s why you didn’t check on him? Why didn’t any of you check on him? Why did it fall on me? Why does everything always fall on me?”
Ma slammed her hands on the table. “That’s enough, Elliot. Damn it, I said it was enough.”
Ryan’s eyes glistened, but she held firm. “We all cared about Daddy. We all feel the loss. Not just you.”
My throat tightened. “But I’m the only one to blame, right?”
They both got quiet and stared at me.
“You don’t think I feel guilty enough? That the one day I didn’t check his pressure, the one day I was in a rush, the one day I made a mistake—”
My voice cracked momentarily. The mask slipped, and the jagged edge of grief slipped through, raw and unfiltered. I fought it back, but it was like trying to hold back an avalanche with my bare fucking hands.
“I’ve spent every damn day since then hating myself for that one mistake,” I continued just as fragile as my composure. “I should’ve done more. I could’ve done more. I should’ve caught it, should’ve checked, should’ve…”
I wanted them to see it, the burden that gnawed at me every day since. But all I felt was the distance between us growing wider. I hoped for some comfort, some reassurance. A firm hand on my shoulder to say,“I don’t blame you.”
But it didn’t come.
And that hurt more than I ever expected it to.
Swallowing hard, I wiped away the single tear that had managed to escape and straightened, forcing the mask back into place.
“I don’t even know if it would’ve made a difference, anyway.” My voice was quieter now. “The man was stubborn. He’d eat whatever he wanted while I was at work, he’d drink, he’d forget his medicine even though I laid it out right next to his bed. I loved him, but he wouldn’t take care of himself. He wouldn’t come to terms with his new limitations.”
My heart beat against my ribcage like a wild animal desperate to escape as I spoke the words I’ve only let play in my mind briefly before I shoved them down. They were cruel but honest.
“The accident changed him. We all knew it. The truth is, Daddy died in that accident. What came back was a shell of his former self, too busy indulging in vices and reliving the glory days to waste time on self-preservation.” I said in a defensive tone. “I think he’d been wanting to die for some time now.”
“Don’t say that,” Ma whispered.
“It’s true.” I met her eyes. “He was loving and warm and stubborn and caring. But he was miserable. I couldn’t fix that if I tried. And none of that changes what’s happening right now. He’s dead.”
I turned to Ryan, “So there’s no need to bring him up every time you need to deflect from me calling you out on sleeping with my ex. No need to use him as an excuse.”
Ma scoffed. “Wow. You really are something else. To think we’d stoop so low.”
I tilted my head. “I don’t thinkyouwould stoop that low.”
Ryan straightened. “I wouldn’t either.”
