Page 122 of New Growth
“So. I’m not going to date your friend because I can’t have you. What kind of man would that make me?” His voice was firm, unwavering. “I’d never do that to you, Elliot. I respect you too much.”
I swallowed hard. “Oh.”
“Exactly.”
His words settled between us, and I shifted where I sat, wrapping my arms around my knees. “El, I’m not—I can’t give you what you’re looking for.”
He exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah. You keep saying that.”
“Because it’s the truth.”
Silence stretched between us.
Then, softer this time, he asked, “Why are you so scared of us?”
I took a breath, deep and shaky, as my fingers dug into the sides of my calves like I could anchor myself.
“I just… I can’t take on loving someone right now.”
His brows drew together. “What do you mean?”
“I mean—” I hesitated, the words catching in my throat. Then I forced them out. “I was engaged before. Three years ago.”
El sat up straighter, caught off guard. “Engaged, Ellie?”
I nodded, my throat tightening. “Yeah. To someone I’d known all my life. And he hurt me. So badly.” I swallowed hard. “He betrayed my trust in every way possible. He was sleeping with my sister the entire time. And now they’re engaged.”
El didn’t speak right away.
His jaw flexed, his fingers curling into fists. “Is that why you were so mad the other night?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I let out a dry laugh. “Because it’s embarrassing, El. I never want to live with the shame I feel from going through that. That’s why I moved to Thailand. I wanted to escape it completely.”
El’s voice was low. “But you know I’d never hurt you like that, Ellie.”
“Not in the same way. But what scares me about us is that I still can’t trust this fully.”
His brows knit tighter, hurt flickering in his eyes.
“Why not?”
I sighed. “Puddin’. You’re an amazing person, honestly, but you want to shield me from the reality of your health. You would lie to me about it. I know you would. You think I can’t handle the truth because I’ll be upset, but what actually upsets me is you hiding it.”
He shifted beside me. “It’s not intentional. I just don’t want you to feel like you need to take care of me.”
I turned to him, my voice sharper than before. “Elliot, I care about you. But if you’re going to keep hiding this stuff from me, I’ll never be able to trust you. The other night woke something up in me. My dad used to lie about taking his meds. He didn’t take his condition seriously, and look where he ended up.”
El opened his mouth, probably to defend himself, but I didn’t let him get the chance.
“I’m scared, El. Call it overthinking, paranoia, unresolved trauma—whatever the fuck lets you sleep at night. But I’m terrified that you won’t take this seriously and you’ll end up like him. Or that you’ll hide the truth from me until it’s too late. That’s why I’m questioning this. That’s what’s making me hesitate.”
His face shifted. The tension in his jaw faded, and for a split second, I saw it—guilt. Pure and unfiltered guilt flashing through his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way, Ellie. I would never do that to you, but I realize my words probably seem fickle to you now. So I’ll prove it to you.”
