Page 133 of New Growth
Esther raised an eyebrow. “Is it awkward? Or doyoujust feel weird?”
I sighed. “I feel weird.”
“Did you talk to him about it?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why not?”
“Because he wouldn’t see it as a big deal,” I said, exasperated. “El’s so easygoing about us. It’s almost exhausting.”
“Or maybe,” she said slowly. “You’re just overthinking the hell out of it. You like him. He likes you. You kissed. These are not complex situations, E.”
“It’s not that simple.” I shook my head. “After Ryan and Jonathan, I can’t do relationships. I can’t trust myself not to get worked up. I can’t lay myself bare in front of someone again. I can’t let my guard down the way I’d need to for this to work.”
I swallowed hard. “And with his diabetes… I already worry so much. I’ve checked my phone ten times today, just wondering if he’s eaten. And you remember when he had the flu for two days, I damn near sent myself to the ER from panic attacks and—”
“Oh my God,” Esther cut in, her voice softening. “You’re in love with him.”
My cheeks burned.
“What?” I said.
Esther grinned like she’d cracked a code. “You’re in love with him.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m not. It all makes sense. Why else would you be so worked up about a kiss when you’ve slept in his bed a million times with no problem?” She pointed at me like she was making her closing argument in court. “You’ve realized you want him. Didn’t you?”
I didn’t answer.
Esther’s grin widened. “This is so good.”
“Regardless of how I feel,” I said, forcing my tone to stay even, “a relationship isn’t smart. I like the way we are now. I like our friendship.”
“Oh, you mean the part where you’re hiding out in here instead of supporting him?” she shot back. “Some friend you are.”
I turned back to the wig stand and began pressing the roots, watching the strands lay flat under the heat. “That’s not it at all. Of course I want to go. I want to support El, but…”
“But?” she echoed.
I paused, my mouth going dry.
“I just… need to focus on this,” I said, nodding toward the wig. “That’s all.”
Esther didn’t look convinced. She just watched me for a moment before nodding. “Alright. I won’t get in your business anymore. But if you finish early, you should go. You know how much it would mean to him.”
I didn’t answer.
She stretched, standing up. “I’ll see you later, then. And text me if you need me.”
I nodded, and she left, the door clicking shut behind her.
Silence settled over the room again.
I put the hot comb down and stared at the half-finished wig in front of me.
The thing was, I was ahead of schedule. If I pushed just a little harder, I could probably wrap everything up in time for the panel.
