Page 175 of New Growth
As we walked back toward the house, the silence started to stretch too long.
“El?” I prompted, brushing my arm against his.
He didn’t look at me right away, he just kept walking. I turned to face him, the oranges starting to warm in my hands.
“Peanut,” he said finally. “I wanna make sure you completely understand what you’re getting yourself into with me.”
I blinked. “I understand, Puddin’.”
“No. I mean… really understand.” His gaze finally met mine. “I’m older. I can be stubborn. You know that. My illness limits me. It always will. And as I get older, it’s gonna limit me more. I won’t always be as energetic or productive as you’re used to. I can’t promise I’ll be strong every day. And you… you’re young. You still have a whole life ahead of you.”
I opened my mouth, but he cut me off.
“You say you’re okay with everything now, and maybe that’s true. But what happens if one day you wake up and want kids? Or something—something I just can’t give you? Ever. You sure that’s something you want?”
I stopped walking, and he followed suit. Everything was still except for the wind in the tree branches behind us.
“Why are you saying this?” I asked, my voice thinner than I wanted it to be. “I knew what I was getting into.”
“Yeah, but did you?” he asked, more gently now. “I don’t want you to look back one day and realize I held you back from something better.”
“You’re not holding me back.”
“El—”
“Elliot,” I snapped, stepping closer. “Stop. I’ve made my decision. You don’t get to talk me out of it.”
He exhaled hard through his nose. “I just want you to understand the gravity of it. You are everything to me. But I may not be what’s best for you. I wish I could be selfish, Ellie. I wish I could just let myself have this. But I care about you too fucking much to not give you a chance at something easier.”
I didn’t let him finish.
“Well. You should’ve thought about that before you made me fall in love with you.”
His expression cracked, just slightly. His throat bobbed, and he looked at me like he’d heard the words but wasn’t sure he believed them.
“You love me?” he asked.
“Of course, I fucking love you, El. I love us. I love our life. I love waking up in your arms and falling asleep on your chest. I love the way you always reach for me, even when you’re tired or hurting. I love that you make me feel like I matter. And I will continue to love you, no matter the cost.”
He swallowed hard, and his eyes softened as he stepped forward.
“I love you,” I said again, quieter now. “And I want to close this chapter of my life so we can move forward. Okay?”
The breeze rustled the leaves above us. The neighbor’s street lights flicked on behind El, casting his shadow across the grass. And for a long moment, neither of us moved.
He looked at me like I was everything he ever wanted and nothing he felt he deserved.
But he reached for my hand anyway.
“Let’s go inside. I want you to rest, it’s been a long day.” I pushed.
He just nodded, and I squeezed his hand gently, pulling him towards the house.
Finally, he cleared his throat. “You gonna survive tomorrow?”
I smirked. “I’ll try not to start a fight.”
“No promises?”
