Page 59 of The Devil in Blue Jeans
“I’m not angry at you,” she agreed. “But through all this, I’ve just realized that I’m not ready for a relationship. I never should have let this happen.” Her heart bled at this realization. That even if Jaxon was a good thing, she was too emotionally damaged to even let that happiness in. For herself, she felt sad. “Honestly, I don’t even think I’m over the last one I was in.”
His hand tightened around hers, and she saw the shift in his expression, the relief that had been there fading fast. “We don’t have to rush anything. We don’t even have to label it. Can we not just continue getting to know each other?”
She shook her head firmly. “No, because now that I see the hot emotional mess I am, I can’t unsee it. I need to figure myself out again. I need to find my way back to the woman I was before Marcel’s betrayal, and I can’t do that with you there.” She paused, drew in a shaky breath before continuing, “When I moved here, I promised myself that my focus would be on the bar, to see it succeed, to make it something the girls and I would be proud of. And somewhere along the line, I forgot what I wanted.”
He cocked his head, rubbing his thumb over her hand. “You can still have all of that with me at your side.”
Part of her wished she could believe him, but that part was the part of her that always ended up getting hurt. “That’s where you’re wrong,” she replied softly. “I need to focus on me without a relationship getting in the way.” She released his hand and added, “I feel fragile...vulnerable...and I can’t trust my own emotions or that you’re fully who you say you are, and that’s not fair to either of us.”
He hesitated, and she wondered if he wouldn’t own it.
Though he surprised her, and offered, “I was that ass who went to Billy in fear that my bar was being ruined,” he said. “I was also that guy who thought he could win you over and get you to see where you went wrong. But I’m also the guy who changed after spending time with you.”
She wasn’t even sure why she was indulging him. Her mind was made up. She needed to go back to plan A:focus on her bar, not on a cowboy. But the question rolled off her tongue. “How did you change?” she asked.
His gaze lifted to hers and held. “I wanted you to succeed.” His voice was barely a whisper now. “I still want that.”
Her heart squeezed tight, wanting so desperately to soften for him. “Thank you for being honest, and for wanting that for me.”
The air around them felt heavy with tension.
Until he broke the silence, then an uncomfortable sadness drifted in between them. “I’m sorry, Charly, so damn sorry for hurting you, and for being such an asshole.”
“You weren’t an asshole,” she told him. “You were fighting for something you worked hard for, and honestly, I understand that.”
His gaze held depth that she wanted to cling to. “This doesn’t have to be the end of us,” he said gently.
“I’m afraid it does,” she told him firmly. “All this just reminded me I’m not ready for anything this serious, where I care if another woman is in your arms. After what I went through with Marcel, I want fun. I want laughter. I don’t want a broken heart. Especially when I feel like my heart is so raw a very little thing could break it.” To put this conversation to bed for good, she said, “You know how you felt when you gave up your bar for your dad—that you had a duty to see something through. That’s how this feels to me. I need to stay focused. I can’t do this with my emotions all over the place, and they are when I’m with you.”
The tenderness in his gaze once would have weakened her resolve, but not tonight; things had shifted between them too much. She rose and began to back away from him, taking a couple steps down the porch steps. “I’m sorry that I can’t continue this,” she told him quietly, “and I’m sorry if my actions led you on in any way.”
Jaxon’s arms trembled as if he was fighting against jumping up and taking her back into his arms. He shook his head firmly. “You’ve never misled me,” he insisted softly. “If there is any fault here, it’s all on me.”
He finally rose and stepped closer to her and embraced her one last time. She both hated and loved how much comfort she found in his arms.
Her eyes shut as he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I want to use the wish you owe me,” she said, taking a step away off the porch steps.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. His voice rough. “Name it.”
“That you’ll stay my friend.”
He went statue still, before his expression softened. “You’ll always have a friend in me, Charly.”
“Good, I’m glad.” She smiled in return, before forcing herself to move away, no matter how right it felt being in his arms. Her emotions swirled around her, a mix of sadness and confusion, but she headed for her car before she talked herself into going straight back into his arms.
He stared pleadingly at her like that’s exactly where he wanted her to go.
Not again. Never again.
She could never forget again that she had to come first. Her dreams mattered. She was building a new life for herself, and she needed to build that life before opening her heart again.
“Goodbye, Jaxon,” she called before getting into her car. She didn’t hear his reply past the rapid beat of her heart rate in her ears. But as she drove off, she saw his shadowy figure in the rearview mirror. She knew she was making the right decision, despite her heart begging her to go back.
Eighteen
The flames from the fire Jaxon had built crackled as he perched on the log, the mountains at his back, surrounded by thick evergreen trees. The silence of the wilderness enveloped him with the air carrying a hint of pine scent that mingled with the scent of the campfire’s burning logs. Tonight’s plan for a night with Charly was long gone now. This very location had been the hot spot during his teenage years. It was the perfect place to hook up, when he held parties with a bonfire and did too much underage drinking, but now, in his thirties, he came here for the quiet.
As he sat, Thunder chomping on the grass behind him, tied to a tree, Jaxon felt the legend of the wilderness surround him:I brought her to you...and you threw her away.
