Page 54 of Lone Wolf in Lights
He leaned against the fence, silence stretching out between them.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night,” Willow said, staring out at the pasture. “I just... It was a lot to process, you know?”
He nodded. “Don’t worry about it. I understood.”
She turned to face him. Her gaze soft but distant. “I need you to know—I’m grateful for what you did. For protecting me against Buck.”
That distance ate him up. “Willow, I—”
She shook her head, cutting him off. “And I know you, Eli. You’re not violent. You were just... It had to remind you of what your sister went through. I understand that.”
Words lodged in Eli’s throat, a tangled mess of gratitude and regret. He wanted to tell her everything, lay bare his soul, but now was not the time. Instead, he let her words wash over him. “Thank you for seeing that,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
She glanced to the horses off in the distance and sighed. “I’ve been trying to sort through my thoughts. After what happened with Buck... I’m a mess, if I’m being honest, and I don’t even know why. My head is just jumbled, and I don’t trust myself.”
“It’s hard, I’m sure,” he admitted, “to see violence again. It must take you back too.”
“It does.” She wrapped her arms around herself, as if holding together the pieces of her composure. “I don’t know if it’s from the trauma, or what, but it’s like my mind has gone silent. I don’t feel anything, and I just feel like that can’t be a good thing. I can’t trust my judgement and sometimes not even my thoughts. So, I have to be really careful when this happens.”
He nodded, a heavy sigh escaping him. “I understand I’ve got my own messes too. My sister...her murder... I have so much anger about that. When I saw Buck over you... I had no control, no thoughts.”
“I’m sure you didn’t—that’s understandable,” she whispered, her expression softening.
He met her gaze. “We’re both a little broken, aren’t we?”
“Seems like it,” she said with a small, sad smile. “Maybe...maybe that’s okay too. Maybe we just need to give ourselves permission to be a mess for a while.”
“Maybe,” he agreed.
She watched a few of the horses run from the barn back to the herd—Maia with them—before addressing him again, “I just hate how I’m feeling right now. I feel...weak.”
“You’re not weak, Willow,” he said firmly. “You’re anything but that.”
She held his stare. “You’re not either, no matter what you think that anger does to you.”
Of course she understood him. He understood her too. “I’m sorry if my actions made you feel this way,” he told her.
“It’s not you,” she said. “It’s my trauma, and it’s a battle that I will always have to face.”
“I get that,” Eli said. “I face a very similar battle.”
She turned to him, wiped a tear off her cheek. “I know you do.”
It took all his strength not to wipe those tears away. Not to take her into his arms and make them both feel better. But this was her battle to fight. And while, he felt relieved he hadn’t hurt her by his anger, he didn’t trust himself either. Not anymore. He needed to trust he couldthinkwhen faced with a situation like that again, not see red and lose all control. And Willow couldn’t help him do that. He needed to do that alone.
They fell into a silence as heavy as the snow that blanketed the ground around them; even the air seemed to hold its breath.
Willow finally broke the silence, and when she spoke again, her words were deliberate. “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you. I’vereallyenjoyed the passion we share. I know we said our agreement was to New Year’s Eve, but I just can’t pretend anymore.” She paused, met his gaze. “I can’t pretend that I’m not ready for a relationship, no matter how much fun pretending was.”
The suggestion struck him hard in the chest, but he couldn’t deny the wisdom in her words. There was no going forward as it was. To deserve her, and be right with himself, he needed to fix his anger. “I care about you, Willow,” he said, the statement laced with reluctance at letting her go. “That was never pretend for me.”
She gave him a gentle smile. “I care about you too.” Her chin quivered before she controlled it. “But we owe it to ourselves to heal completely. I’m not there, and I don’t think you are either. To continue on like we are, or make anything official, will only become messy.”
He bowed his head, breathing deep. He hated it, but knew she was right. “It’s not anever,it’s just ano for right now?” Lifting his gaze, he met her soft stare.
“Exactly.”
His jaw clenched. Once. Twice. “All right,” Eli conceded, the agreement bitter on his tongue. “Back to just friends?” His question hung in the air.
