Page 56 of Lone Wolf in Lights
“You liked seeing him protect?” Dr. Thorne said, leaning in slightly.
Willow nodded. “I’ve always felt safe with him.” She drew in a long, deep breath before she continued, “But right after, when the chaos was over, it felt like my brain just...shut off. Everything went blank. And now it’s like I’m frozen, standing outside of myself, watching everything happen around me. It’s like I’m proud of Eli, and totally understand where his anger came from, but I just feel...empty. And I don’t think it’s fair to bring someone into that, you know?”
Dr. Thorne folded her hands in her lap. “That sounds incredibly difficult, Willow. Shutting down is a response to stress that many people experience. When you feel overwhelmed or threatened, your mind is trying to protect you. It’s a survival mechanism that you had to use to endure what happened with Niko.”
“Is it really?” Willow asked.
“Yes, it’s a very common response,” Dr. Thorne affirmed. “In those moments, your body decides that the best course of action is to conserve energy and minimize potential harm. It’s an instinctive, automatic reaction that you’ve developed over time.”
“So, I’m not broken?” Her voice hitched.
“Far from it,” Dr. Thorne said warmly with a gentle smile. “Your reactions have been a form of self-protection. Now we work toward understanding them better, so you can start to feel more in control when they happen.”
Tears began to pool in Willow’s eyes, the realization washing over her. The walls she had built, brick by emotional brick, weren’t necessary shields any longer. They were remnants of a past self who had to put them up to protect herself.
“Though it is okay to start working on letting those walls down again,” Dr. Thorne said gently. “You’re safe here.” Her voice was a soft hum, comforting and familiar. “Let yourself feel whatever it is that’s trying to surface.”
The tears flowed over, and a sob caught in her throat.
“Embrace what you feel,” Dr. Thorne encouraged, handing her a box of tissues. “It’s the path to healing.”
Willow dabbed at her eyes. She hesitated, her thoughts snagging on Eli—Eli with his piercing eyes that seemed to see right through her defenses. Eli, who always seemed intent on protecting her. His touch that made her feel so safe and alive again.
“I don’t know what to do about Eli,” Willow confessed. “We have this...connection. It’s sweet and wonderful and—if I’m honest, it scares me.” She dabbed at her cheeks with the tissue. “It’s like when this happened with Buck, I just felt weak all over again, and told him we need space.”
“Because you’re afraid of getting hurt?” Dr. Thorne prompted.
“Partly,” Willow admitted, playing with the tissue in her hand. “But also, because I do care for him. I realize now how pretending was just a way to experience him with all the safety nets. I want that closeness, that realness he offers. It’s just—” She paused, her sob breaking, “I’m scared of losing myself again. Of disappearing into someone else’s shadow.”
“Your fears are valid, of course they are, Willow. But remember,” Dr. Thorne said with gentle firmness, “you’ve emerged from that shadow. You’re standing in your own light now, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.”
Willow absorbed the words, letting them seep into all the broken parts of her heart.
“None of this is easy,” Dr. Thorne began. “Healing isn’t linear. It weaves through our lives at its own pace. You’ve taken incredible strides, but it’s okay to take your time to understand what you’re feeling. And if Eli truly cares about you, he will understand this.”
“Okay,” Willow said with a sniff.
Dr. Thorne smiled gently. “It’s okay to be unsure, to have days where you feel like you’re moving backward. It feels uncomfortable in this state that you’re in because of what happened with Niko. It’s all part of the process. What’s important is that you prioritize yourself, your well-being.”
“Can I...just let things unfold?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” Dr. Thorne assured her. “You don’t have to rush or force answers. They will come to you in time, and you’ll know what to do when they do. Just let yourself breathe, Willow.”
Inhaling deeply, she let the air fill her lungs, let it reach the deepest parts of her where fear and hope danced. There was a release in the exhale, letting it all go, feeling lighter, freer.
“Let things be,” she said aloud, tasting those words. It was so easy to forget she didn’t have to have all the answers to her trauma and how to move forward.
“Let things be,” Dr. Thorne repeated with a kind smile. “And don’t forget, you are doing the work and strengthening your soul because of it. You have the power to shape your own future. It’s in your hands, not anyone else’s. You’ve already taken back so much of what was wrongfully claimed from you.”
The air around Willow seemed to shimmer as she took in the truth of those words.I have the power to shape my own future.
Eli’s grip tightened on the reins as he led the new colt he was training back to the paddock, the horse’s hooves crunching against the snow. The sun hung low, casting a golden glow over the ranch, but the beauty of the afternoon couldn’t ease the turmoil churning inside him. Thoughts of Willow spiraled through his mind, fierce and unbidden, threatening to break wide open.
He could feel her in every part of him—her laughter echoing in his ears, her warm eyes haunting his dreams. But with those thoughts came the reality, sharp and relentless. He was a man who had ridden bulls, faced down danger without a second thought, yet the idea of hurting Willow left him feeling unsure in his steps forward.
“Eli,” Jaxon called out as he and Gunner approached, his eyes narrowing with concern. “You look like you’ve just gone ten rounds with a grizzly.”
“Feels like it too,” Eli muttered, releasing the horse into the paddock. He watched the colt trot away before turning to face his friends. Jaxon leaned against the fence, while Gunner stood beside him.
