Page 20 of Heart to Heart
Memorable. The last thing I have ever wanted to be was memorable. All throughout high school, I strove to blend in, to avoid being labeled a superlative I would never live up to. It would appear all my years of hard work had been in vain. I was now the Cookie Monster onesie-wearing weirdo in a sea of polished perfection. And the whole country knew it.
I took a good look around the bar, noticing the glances in my direction exchanged here and there, along with whispers I knew were about me. The scrolling through phones, undoubtedly inspecting the giant nerd in oversized pajamas honoring a children’s television icon, was enough to make me want to call it a night early. There would be no blending in anymore. I would forever have a chocolate chip cookie hanging over my head.
“Here you are ladies.” Ryan set shots of something red down in front of the four of us. “These shots are compliments of the ladies at the end of the bar down there.” He pointed to a group of girls who looked like they could all be students. They gave us a small wave when they realized their generosity had been outed by Ryan Reynolds-Gosling. “They’re bigHeart to Heartfans.”
Swell.
“This doesn’t smell like wine,” Lauren proclaimed, scrunching her nose in disgust.
“That’s because it’s Jägermeister,” Ryan explained, needlessly. “Also, this will be the last drink for you tonight.”
I picked up the shot, stealing a glance at Kiki and acknowledging the group of women by holding my glass up in the air and mouthing a thank you. After everything that had transpired and continued to transpire, I needed this drink almost as much as I needed oxygen. Without further fanfare, I tossed it back, earning applause from the women at the bar.With any luck, I would have their votes as well. Otherwise, my public humiliation would have all been for nothing.
Kiki, Lauren, and Gretta followed suit, each throwing their shots back and plunking the empty glasses down on the table. Before long, more drinks appeared: vodka tonics, with Lauren’s being water dressed up as a vodka tonic.
“Ladies,” Kiki proclaimed, jumping from her stool, drink in hand. “I believe we officially have a party on our hands.
“Not literally on our hands, Lauren,” Gretta sighed, helping an inebriated, hand-inspecting Lauren from her stool.
I followed the three of them to the dance floor, my self-consciousness fading more and more with each sip of the vodka tonic and the never-ending steady stream of free drinks being sent our way by die-hardHeart to Heartfans, perhaps looking for a story to tell their friends once the season started.
The rest of the night vanished into a blur of alcohol and dancing. Oh so much dancing. Dancing with each other, with Ethan—who was kind enough to hold onto my heels for me after I decided I’d had enough—and at the end of the night, with Ryan Reynolds-Gosling, himself, who’d casually slipped a napkin containing his phone number in my hand before he left at the end of his shift. All this amid more curious glances, cell phones capturing my every move, and the occasional camera flash.
CHAPTER 10
AVERY
The driveto the Detroit Metropolitan Airport was largely silent, save for my mom periodically asking me questions just to drown out the sound of our tires traveling down the interstate. Next to me, Josh watched YouTube videos on his phone, blissfully in his own world. This would have been a normal road trip for us, if not for my clipped responses to my mother’s questions and her hesitancy in asking them, like she could feel the tension radiating from me in waves. She wasn’t the only one who noticed. Whenever I answered her questions with a one-word, unenthusiastic response, I caught a glimpse of my father’s eyes looking back at me in the rearview mirror.
They’d taken the news of my being onHeart to Heartthe way I had expected: with a lot of confused glances in each other’s direction and the expectation that I was going to tell them I was joking at any second. I’d break out in a fit of laughter, with them following suit, and we would then continue on with our Sunday dinner like usual.
Except, that didn’t happen, and it took a few minutes for the anticipatory silence to subside and the shock to wear off before I was hit with aWe’re happy for youfrom my mom, followed byaWell, if this is what you want, you have my support, from my dad. Reliable Josh had just looked up from his phone, uttered, “That’s cool,” and then proceeded to return to whatever it was that was keeping him occupied nowadays.
And that was that. We hadn’t spoken of it again until we were loading my luggage, including garment bags filled with the formal gowns I’d found at thrift stores and on clearance racks, into their SUV, and even then, it was my mother who’d done most of the talking. She’d binged the last two seasons ofHeart to Hearton Netflix, which had done nothing to assuage her concern that her introverted daughter had utterly lost her mind.
When she couldn’t hold it in any longer, she’d turned to me as she was shutting the tailgate. “Is this about Guy?” she’d asked. “Because I know he was your first serious relationship, but there will be other guys out there. The Parker boy down the street is graduating with his MBA next spring. I hear he’s single. A little socially awkward, but that’s the thing now, right? No social skills? A bit of a halitosis problem, too, but nothing you couldn’t work out.”
“Mom.” I put my hand on her shoulder. She tended to ramble whenever she was nervous. “I assure you that Guy has nothing to do with me going on this show. I mean, you know how much I’ve always been a fan of Tristan Tate. I had posters of him in my room and watched all his movies. Now I have the chance to shoot my shot, so why not, right?”
She’d knitted her brows together, her bullshit meter no doubt going off. Claire Martin was good at detecting all the bullshit. But instead of calling me out, she sighed, draped her arms around my shoulders and drew me in for a hug. “I just don’t want to see you hurt again, you know.”
Damn, she was good. “I know, Mom.” It was a struggle to hold back tears when she had her arms around me in a motherly way, like I’d fallen off my tricycle and skinned my knee. Therewas something wrong with her child; she could sense it. “I’m not going into this with the anticipation that I’m going to ride into the sunset with Tristan. I’m going in with the hope of finding myself and, you know, the experience. I won’t be young forever.”
I hated lying to my parents, even if it was only a half lie. But the truth was something they couldn’t hear. Not yet, anyway.
“We’re here,” my dad announced, as he did every time we arrived anywhere.
I looked out the window, allowing reality to hit me all at once. It had been easy to deny that any of this was real before today. Plans change, shit happens. Maybe my selection had been a mistake; a joke. The studio would call me, and I would return to life as normal, where my social media wasn’t blowing up with posts tagging me or with messages from people I’d barely said two words to in high school.
Not surprisingly, Guy hadn’t been one of those people. I hadn’t heard a word from him at all since the day he broke up with me. I imagine he was probably sitting at some bougie restaurant with his new and improved girlfriend, laughing at my onesie-clad self. Unlike me, I was willing to bet he wasn’t regretting any of his life choices right now.
“Bug, can I talk to you for a minute.” My dad pulled me aside after my luggage had been checked in.
“Sure.” I smiled at my mom and brother as I turned to follow him to an open area a few feet away from security. I think I’d known this had been coming. My father usually never spoke up unless it involved an issue he was passionate about or the Toronto Maple Leafs. My dad didn’t fuck around when it came to the Toronto Maple Leafs.
He smiled a small, tight smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair, something he had always done right before he had to say something that was out of hisemotional comfort zone. “You know, you can back out now, right? You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“I know, Dad,” I nodded. “This was my choice. I want to do this, I promise. I’m just—nervous. I’ve never been on TV before, let alone trying to date someone with all of the country watching.”
