Page 4 of Monk
I’m thankful to that judge for her leniency, but I doubt she could have foreseen or would approve of where I’m at and what I’m doing. I’m thankful she threw me into that support group, otherwise I never would have found Cosmo or the Dark Pharaohs. And if I hadn’t, if I’d continued flailing around on my own, disconnected from the world and always so angry, I shudder to think where I’d be.
The MC is made up of a lot of combat vets, and in them, I found the sort of brotherhood I was missing when I rotated home. And when I met Cosmo in the support group, he recognized that emptiness I’ve been struggling with, took me under his wing. And for as long as I’ve known him, Cosmo’s always seemed to know what I need better than I do.
“I’m serious, kid. It wouldn’t kill you to make some friends. Find yourself a woman,” Cosmo presses.
“I’ve got the MC. You guys are all the friends I need.”
He shakes his head. “Nah, we’re not. We’re your brothers, yeah. And you need that. You need to be around guys who’ve seen what you’ve seen. Been through what you’ve been through, share that bond only people who’ve seen combat have,” Cosmo goes on. “But you need more than that to keep yourself grounded.”
“So, what are you saying? I should go join a book club?”
“If that’s what floats your boat, yeah. Where do you think Poe goes on Thursday afternoons?”
“You’re shittin’ me. Poe belongs to a book club?”
He nods. “None of us reads like he does. Why wouldn’t he?”
I look at him for a long moment and realize he’s serious. I try to let the image of Poe sitting around discussing literature sink into my brain and find myself having a really hard time with it. I take a long swallow of my beer and let his words rattle around in my head a bit. Cosmo leans forward, pinning me to my seat with his eyes.
“Having something that keeps you going above and beyond the MC is vital, kid. So is having some friends who aren’t us,” he urges. “If you want to stay out of trouble and keep yourself sane, you gotta have some balance in your world. Gotta have some things that are just for you.”
“Yeah? And what is it you have that’s just for you?”
“My old lady. My kids,” he says. “And you know, I’ve got my telescope. All I need is that—a tall hill and a clear night to find some balance and peace.”
I smile faintly and nod at him. I sometimes forget that Cosmo wanted to be an astronaut when he was younger. Entered the service with that goal in mind, actually. But some bad breaks and even worse timing derailed that dream for him. It’s easy for me to forget that’s how he earned his nickname—his passion for space and the cosmos.
But I’m not like Cosmo. Or even Poe, for that matter. I’ve never been the most gregarious of people on my best days. My upbringing didn’t really prepare me to be a social butterfly. It taught me the value of keeping my head down, how to survive, but not a whole lot more than that really. Making friends has never been really high on my to-do list. Or, to be perfectly honest, something I’ve ever been very good at.
“Yeah, well, I guess I never had time for hobbies growing up,” I admit. “Aside from sports, I never really found anything that really lit me up.”
“You’re young. You’re barely thirty, kid. You’ve still got lots of time to figure it out. And you absolutely need to do it. Having something that’s just for you that you enjoy helps keep the demons at bay,” he tells me, tapping his head with his finger to emphasize his point.
He’s not wrong. Most days, it feels like I have more demons in my head than they exist in Hell itself. Most of them come from being the product of a couple of junkies and an abusive home. A childhood like that’ll fuck anybody up. Frankly, I’m kind of surprised I didn’t turn out worse.
“You’re a good kid,” Cosmo says. “You just need to get your head on straight. Finding some friends and finding a good woman can help settle you down.”
I laugh. “You seem pretty hung up on me finding a woman.”
“Kid, if I had the looks and body you do—and hot little pieces of ass like Maggie all but begging you to bang her—you can bet I’d be knee-deep in naked chicks and panties on the floor every fuckin’ night,” he replies, a wide grin on his face.
I shake my head, still laughing. It’s never been about getting laid for me. It’s more than that. And as I think about my upbringing, letting my mind drift back through the years, her face pops into my head. She was the only solace I had back then. The only bright spot in an endless series of increasingly dark days. She had always been able to temper that rage inside me. She was special, that one.
But then, I did what I’m best at and fucked it all up and left her without so much as a goodbye. I know I had my reasons. Good reasons. But I also know she deserved better than to simply be ghosted like that. And now, here I am all these years later, having nothing but regret about it. A frown pulls the corners of my mouth down, and I push all thought of her aside.
No use thinking about her or that time now. They’re both long gone.
“You okay?”
Cosmo’s voice snaps me back to the present and I nod absently. “Yeah. All good.”
“You sure?”
I nod and Cosmo scrutinizes me further but decides to let it go. Raised voices across the way draw my attention. I see Maggie glaring furiously at a pair of guys, and one of them has her by the hand. She’s trying to pull away from him, but he’s a pretty big guy. I look over at Cosmo and see his expression darken.
“I got this,” I tell him.
“Don’t do somethin’ stupid. Those are pretty big dudes.”
