Page 28 of Domino
But in the heat of the moment, when harsh words are flying, when you’re being slapped or punched and dealing with all of the immediate fallout, that degree isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. In the immediate aftermath, you find yourself finding reasons. Excuses. You find yourself justifying your partner’s behavior. Even worse, you find yourself finding reasons why you’re at fault. You look back and wonder what you did to touch off such an event.
That sort of thing naturally starts to morph into thinking that you had to have done something to deserve it. As you justify and rationalize, you start to blame yourself, thinking that your partner never would have done something so savage and vicious if you hadn’t set them off. If you hadn’t pushed them to that point. And in the end, you realize that ultimately, you’re to blame. Without meaning to, you start to feel ashamed of what you did to push them to a point where they felt they had no options but to lay hands on you. You start to feel ashamed of yourself.
That train of thought, blaming yourself rather than the one who hit you, is insidious. And once you find yourself rolling down those tracks, it becomes easier and easier to justify the fact that your partner beats on you. It becomes easier to blame yourself, rather than your abuser. The cycle of domestic abuse is pervasive and it’s humbling to know I let myself fall into it, parroting all of the old clichés and stereotypes. It’s especially galling given the fact that counseling victims of domestic abuse is what I’m planning on doing.
But if nothing else, it at least gives me first-hand knowledge and experience for when I do start counseling these women. That has to count for something, and I’m going to make sure that it does.
“I’m so sorry Ash. I had no idea how bad it was. I mean, I knew something was going on, but I didn’t know how bad it got for you. I wish I did because I would’ve insisted on you coming out here long ago,” Missy says, sounding utterly miserable.
“It’s not your fault. I didn’t start talking about it until somewhat recently. Not until he actually started putting his hands on me. After that, I talked to Maggie about it, and she kind of coached me up. She’s the one who gave me the final push I needed to pack up and get out of there,” I say.
“Good. I’m glad.”
“I only did it for Cole. I’m pretty sure if it had only been me, I would’ve stayed, thinking that he’d change or that I could somehow change him.”
“You know how foolish that is now, don’t you? Guys like him will never change. They only get worse.”
I nod absently. “I do know that. I think even before I left, deep down, I knew it, but I wouldn’t let myself do anything about it. There was some small part of me that felt like I deserved it.”
“You do know better than that, don’t you?”
“I do now,” I say, the ghost of a smile touching my lips. “But if it hadn’t been for Cole, not wanting him to grow up with that kind of an example, and not wanting him to turn out like Ryan, I might’ve never found it in me to leave.”
“You’re a lot stronger and have way more courage than you’ve ever given yourself credit for, honey. It’s always been that way with you.”
I look down at the top of the table, unable to say anything at the moment. Everything in my head is so jumbled up and confused that I don’t even know where to begin sorting it all out. The tentacles of abuse, thick and strong, still have me wrapped up tight. And though I have moments where I believe I’m a strong, independent woman, the truth is, those moments are fleeting. They’re gone almost as soon as they come on, leaving me feeling even weaker than before. I’m a hot mess, and like Humpty Dumpty, I have no clue how to start putting myself together again.
“Well, whatever the reason, be it for you, or for Cole, you did it. You got out. And you’re safe here,” Missy says.
“I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am, Miss,” I say.
She waves me off. “We’re family, babe. I would do anything for you.”
Her words strike a chord within me and my eyes sting as I feel the tears well up within them. I wipe away the tears that roll down my cheeks and blow out a frustrated breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m just an emotional wreck right now. I cry at the drop of a hat lately,” I say.
“It’s understandable, given everything you’ve gone through. And you never need to apologize for anything.”
Reaching across the table, I take her hand and give it a squeeze, taking a few moments to let the emotional tide ebb again. Slowly, the tears begin to dry and the trembling in my body eases.
“It’s not all gloom and doom today,” I tell her. “I got the job down at the Golden Gate. My boss is a kid younger than me, but at least I’ll have some money coming in. It’s not much, but it’s a small win. And right now, I’ll take all the wins I can.”
“That is great, Ash. Congratulations. I’m so proud of you,” she squeals.
“It’s a start.”
“You’re well on your way. Things are going to turn around for you quick. I’m sure of it. You and Cole are going to build an amazing life out here.”
I bite my bottom lip, a small frown on my face. “Speaking of which, I hate to ask you for another favor, given all you’re doing for us already, but—”
“Of course I’ll watch Cole,” she tells me.
“Really? I hate to ask.”
“Please. Cole is an angel. And the twins love having him around as much as I do. It gives them somebody to play with and keeps them from hassling me all day,” she says with a laugh. “It lets mama sit back with her feet up and have a glass of wine.”
I laugh along with her for a moment. “Missy, I can’t even—”
