Page 35 of Domino
“Babe, please,” he interrupts. “I’ll do anything to fix this. I’ll go to counseling with you if that’s what you want. I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you and Cole back here with me.”
There’s some small part of me that wants to believe him. That wants to take his apology at face value. There’s a piece of me that still loves him. It’s that piece of me that remembers what he was like when we were younger. When I was a girl. He was my entire world. Ryan was everything to me, and I fell so hard and so deeply in love with him, and no matter what happens, an echo of that is always going to remain. It’s just how it’s going to be. You can’t love somebody as deeply that way and not have a shadow of it on your heart for the rest of your life.
But the fact of the matter is I’ve traveled this road with Ryan before. Many times. Every single time we go down this path, I believe him. I believe things will change. That he will change. And to be fair, for a while, it does. For a little while after we have one of these blowouts, Ryan does change. He’s more thoughtful and loving. He’s more attentive and kinder.
It usually lasts a couple of weeks. Then, like a cancer, his callousness and abusiveness creeps back in, poisoning everything it touches. After that, it’s not long before he’s making his cruel, cutting remarks. And lately, it’s not long before he’s putting his hands on me again.
It’s that stark realization that stops my backward slide. It would be so easy to fall back into things with him. It would be simple to go rushing back to him, falling back into Ryan’s arms and pretending that everything actually would change. It would be so easy to go back to the life Cole and I knew back in Erwin.
But I’m not the same woman anymore, and I’m seeing things differently. You can probably say I’m seeing reality for the first time. I know, on a fundamental level, that if I went back to him, all I would be doing is pretending. Nothing would change. Not permanently, anyway. Like I said, things would change for a little while. He might even go to counseling… for a time. But I’m not delusional, and I know that the natural order of things, as Ryan sees it, will eventually assert itself again and go back to how they’ve always been.
I’m not prepared to go back to that. I’m not prepared to put Cole back in that sort of a situation. Out here, I’ve seen him happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. He enjoys being out here. He enjoys spending time with the twins. I enjoy being out here as well. More than anything, I enjoy seeing Cole so happy. The only things that matter to me are Cole’s safety and his happiness. And I can guarantee those things better out here more than I can back in Erwin.
“I’m not coming back, Ryan. Please, let’s be done with this. It’s time we part ways and move on with our lives. I want you to be happy.”
“Ash—”
Despite what I know, I feel myself waver anyway. It’s that girl I used to be calling out once more, her voice echoing in my head. I ruthlessly quash her voice though, silencing her. I’m not that girl anymore, and the woman I am now refuses to fall back into that pattern. The woman I am now refuses to be a victim any longer. I’m tired of living my life in fear and living a life under the thumb of a man who thinks it’s acceptable to slap me. A man who thinks that’s the example he should be setting for his son. No, I’m done with that.
“I’m done, Ryan. This is over. We are over. Sign the papers.”
When he speaks again, his voice is hard, and I know that if I were there in the room with him, I’d see his face turning red. His nostrils would be flaring, his eyes narrowing, and the veins in his neck would be standing out. But I’m not there. And I never will be again.
“Don’t you fuckin’ do this, Ash. Don’t you fuckin’ dare,” he spits.
“Sign the papers. And if you’re going to call again, please be respectful. Be mature about this, Ryan. It doesn’t have to be this way.”
“You’re not gonna keep me from my son.”
“If you can’t behave like an adult, if you can’t learn to control your temper or realize that you don’t solve your problems with your fists, then I will most certainly be keeping Cole out of your life. I will not have him growing up thinking that your behavior is acceptable.”
“I’m going to fuckin’ kill you—”
I disconnect the call and drop the phone, feeling the tremor of fear pass through my body. Logically, I know he’s a thousand miles away, doesn’t know where I am, and he can’t actually hurt me. But I can’t lie… the pure hatred in his voice has rattled me. Regardless of whether or not he can actually follow through with it, the fact that he hates me so much, that he might actually murder me, is chilling.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I let it out slowly, trying to calm my racing heart. I am safe. Cole is safe. Ryan doesn’t know where we are, and he can’t actually hurt us. I try to take heart in those words and put them out of my mind, but I can’t keep them from echoing around in my mind, anyway.
My life is out here now. I’m a new woman in a new place, starting a new life. It’s a life full of possibilities. It’s a blank slate and I can do whatever it is I want to do. Free and unencumbered. Free of the abuse and torment that used to be a part of my everyday life with Ryan. I can do whatever I want to do and be whoever I want to be.
Things aren’t perfect right now, and there are still a lot of questions left to be answered. There are a lot of things that need to be done to get to where I want to be. But for the first time in my life, I know where I want to be, and I’m taking the steps I need to get there. It’s going to be a slow, arduous process that will be full of stops and starts, but the point is, I’m heading down that road. It’s a thought that fills me with excitement, joy, and optimism.
For the first time in my life, my future is wide open, and I’m excited by the sheer prospect of what’s to come. Of being the woman that I want to be. I can even be a woman who uses a man like Max for my own personal pleasure if I want to.
It’s a thought that brings a smile to my face as I walk back to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Chapter Fourteen
Domino
“Jesus Christ, didn’t we talk about this the other day?” Ashley says with exasperation in her tone.
I give her a wolfish smile. “What can I say? Y’all make the best breakfast food in town. I’ve become addicted.”
She rolls her eyes and looks at me. “Seriously, why are you here?”
“I’m here for breakfast. Same as all these other fine folks.”
“Yeah, well, all these other fine folks aren’t here, like, stalking or pestering me.”
