Page 41 of Domino
“I will. And thanks, Miss. You really are the best.”
She tips me a wink. “Yeah, I am, aren’t I?”
She collects the glasses and takes them back inside as I head for the guest house. I enter quietly and close the door softly. After that, I walk to the back and look in on Cole. He’s curled up with his blankets pulled tightly around him. His breathing is slow and even, and he is just the picture of perfection and innocence to me. What strikes me the most is that he seems at peace.
Back in Erwin, he was usually plagued with nightmares, and he never slept peacefully. Whimpering and crying out in his sleep was commonplace. But seeing him sleeping now, not a whimper or sound to be heard—nothing but the steady, even breath of somebody truly at peace—fills my heart with love and happiness. It also reinforces the belief that I did the right thing by taking him out of Erwin and away from Ryan. That bringing him out here was the best thing I could have done for him.
Softly shutting his door, I head into my room and close the door most of the way, then start getting myself ready for bed. I’m just putting the toothpaste on my toothbrush when my phone rings. I sigh, already knowing who’s going to be on the other end of the line.
I could ignore the call, but Ryan will keep calling back and firing off text messages. He’ll continue pestering me until I answer him, so I figure it’s best to just bite the bullet and get it over with. As much as I’m tempted to cancel my phone and get a new one, cutting him out of my life entirely, the fact of the matter is that Cole is his son, and I don’t want to be that cruel. Even though I think I have every right to be, given the hell he put me through. But despite it all, I want to give Ryan every opportunity to become a better man.
Setting the toothbrush down, I walk into the bedroom and answer the call. “It’s late, Ryan. You need to start calling at a decent hour.”
It’s after ten here, which puts it after one there, but I’m deliberately vague about what time it is, just because I don’t even want him knowing what time zone I’m in. It’s a long shot since I don’t think he knows Missy lives in California, but I’m not going to take any chances. I don’t want him figuring out where I am.
On the other end of the line, he sniffs loudly as if he’s been crying again. I harden my heart, not wanting to waver again like I did the other night. It’s not too hard to do, as I recall how quickly he turned on me. How quickly he went from being sorry to threatening to kill me. I remind myself again that being out here and away from him is what’s best for my son. And for me.
“I miss you, babe,” he says, sniffing again. “I miss you and I miss Cole. I’m nothing without you guys.”
His voice is thick and he’s slightly slurring his words. He’s drunk. Not that it’s surprising, but you think he’d be able to hold it together if he’s going to be calling me and offering up an apology. But he didn’t, proving that this is all just pointless.
“Maybe you should have realized that sooner, Ryan.”
“I don’t know how many times I can tell you that I fucked up and that I’m sorry before you believe me.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late for any of that now. It’s time for you to accept that this is over. That I don’t want to be with you anymore, and I will not let my son be raised with somebody like you. I won’t have him learning that hitting a woman is ever okay.”
“I promise I won’t do it again, Ash. I just… it’s the pills. And it’s the pain I’m constantly in. It just hurts so much, and I know I shouldn’t take it out on you, but I just get so mad. I shouldn’t be in this shitty little town, working my shitty little job. I should be a star. I should be playing in the NFL. I should be giving you and Cole a good life—”
“I didn’t care about any of that. I never needed money, or cars, or anything. I never cared what we had or didn’t have. All I cared about was you and Cole, and the life we were going to build together. I didn’t need you to be a star. I only needed you to be a good man and a good dad. That was all that mattered to me.”
“I can still be that.”
“No. You can’t. Not with me. Maybe you can use the lessons you learn from this in your next relationship. Maybe you can be a better man for somebody else.”
“That’s not fair. None of this is fair. I got screwed over by life, Ash. I had some bad breaks—”
“Life hands all of us shitty cards now and then, Ryan. It’s what we do with them that reveals who we truly are. And now that my eyes are open and I see who you are, I want nothing to do with you. Nor will I let my son be anywhere near you.”
“He’s my son, too. I have a right to see him. You can’t keep him from me.”
I draw in a deep breath and let it out slowly. It’s time to offer up the secret I’ve been keeping from him all these years. He’s going to hit the roof, but maybe this will stop him from calling me.
“You have no rights, Ryan. You were gone when Cole was born. I was at the hospital alone. Do you remember that?” I ask.
“I was on a hunting trip. It’s not my fault I wasn’t there.”
“You chose to go hunting with your buddies knowing I was on the verge of giving birth, but that’s not your fault? Oh, okay.”
“How was I supposed to know?”
“Whatever. Anyway, since I was there alone, when they asked me the name of the father to put on Cole’s birth certificate, I left it blank. I said I didn’t know. You are not legally his father; therefore, you have no rights to him.”
There’s a long silence on the other end of the phone, and I bite my bottom lip as I hold my breath. The story is true, though. I remember that night all too well. I remember the way the nurses looked at me when I told them I didn’t know who the father was. They looked at me like I was the lowest piece of filth on the planet. Like I was just some slut running around spreading my legs for everybody, and like I was some whore who lacked any sense of basic morality.
I bore the weight of their judgment, though, because somewhere deep down, I knew this day would come. I didn’t list him as the father knowing it might come to this. Knowing I might want to get away from him someday and not wanting all of the legal entanglements of a custody arrangement. It would only get ugly.
The problem is, I don’t know the ins and outs of paternity law. I don’t actually know what his rights are, since I didn’t list him as Cole’s father. And I’m banking on the fact that he doesn’t know either. He was never very interested in things like reading or learning. He’d put all of his eggs in his football basket. More than that, I’m hoping it’s so complicated, he loses interest in going through all of the legal wrangling and maneuvering it would take to find out.
